http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/4102289431.htmlOk, someone has too much time on their hands....this sounds like a WZ/Sini/Darkside collabo.
Quote:
To the gay men who banged in my stairwell while my mother was visiting (Lakeview (and you knew that))
I never thought I would have to write one of these, but after this past weekend I thought about it and I think something has to be said. So I am writing this to the two gay men that decided to 'bang it out' in my back stairwell while my mother was in town visiting this past weekend. The quotes you see are in verbatim and thankfully, soon, I will actually have the audio placed on the web for all to hear as proof that this madness has to stop. I was able to record most of this audio with my phone, but I wanted to preempt the world with the visual side of this story before I unleash the auditory evidence.
Ok, here is goes. . .
My mother flew in from a town known as 'Cleveland' which is located in Ohio and was coming to stay with me up until Monday. We don't get to see each other much, but it was really important that we would have a quality weekend together. I mean, she is 71 and has had knee problems. And yes, like all mothers, mine can be naive. And for the record, I am not gay, but I briefed her that I lived in a close proximity to where the gays like to congregate. 'What does that mean?' She asked.
I informed her that we would likely see a guy with his shirt off dancing with his shoulders somewhere in a bar front while sipping on a straw drink of some kind, some guys making out in public and grabbing their butts, and without a doubt most certainly, spot a gay man speaking passive aggressively about secular cultural trends that make up farming communities. They do this to woo others into sex, I told her. Don't worry, this isn't the South Side. We are safe.
To be quite honest though, she wasn't worried. And not only that, but we actually had a great first few days with no bumps in the road. Well, we had saw all of those things I just spoke of, but she was prepared for that and averted her eyes accordingly. I was proud of her. So then on Saturday as the night winded down, I said goodnight as she went to go sleep in my bedroom whereas I slept on my couch. We had just got done watching some Lifetime movie about a woman that has a problem and drinks Chardonnay and then there was some guy or something who was mad (I was getting my fantasy football team ready for the next day, so I wasn't paying much attention).
Both of us falling to sleep in the areas mentioned, it was then I suddenly heard some chattering outside my back stairwell. Unfortunately, that stairwell was located right by my bedroom. Even when people just walk down it at night, I hear every one of those footsteps. Sitting up on my couch, it didn't take long to infer that apparently two gay men started getting intimate literally just outside it. They will make out and go home, I thought incorrectly. Their dialog would pierce through my door, louder than the television that had just been on. So I grabbed my phone and hit record, setting it on a shelf nearby.
'Let's boner it out right here, Todd,' the one man said. 'Let's get naked and bang our butt's like you don't even know what science is.' From here, I heard what I think was an elevated high five, one that was perfectly executed, followed by some moaning, and then the sounds of what a dying cow makes on a very hot day.
I verified the penetration had already started as I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall and cringed with what was happening. I was sure of this fact, because the one man said, 'It is time to penetrate your ass right here and right now! WOOO WEEE! GET READY, BABY! YOU BITCH!' As the light under my bedroom door turned on, my mother came out asking who was doing construction this late at night and that she think one of the men on the job got hurt.
'I think you are right, Mom,' I told her as the sounds proceeded right next to my shaking door, knocking a framed picture that hung on my wall to the floor. Call it irony or whatever you like, but it was a vintage photograph of a guy getting shot out of cannon. This surely didn't help anything. Moreover, I can't prove it, but I think one of the men was using my door knob to station himself so I had to redirect my mother and fast. 'Want to watch a movie? They should be done with the. . . constructioning.. umm in like 5 minutes,' I suggested.
Thankfully, my mother obliged just as the one man yelled out something about just getting started, 'hold on tight as I bang your ass so hard, you bitch'. My mother looked at me like she did when we received news of my Father's 1st heart attack.
Thirty minutes later, sounds confirmed the men were finished. We were actually midway through a different Lifetime movie at this point. It was about a woman and this guy who was angry, and just as she was drinking a glass of Riesling, the one man from the stairwell who I was think was doing the thrusting announced he was going to explode and 'shower up the fucking hallway with love, you bitch'. And "love" in this case I think meant ejaculate. I tried to cough to cover up this dialog, but it was ineffectual.
During the explosion, my mother was quite sure one of the construction men had broken his leg and I said they just do that every time they finish working on a project due to the Union's regulations. As I walked her back to my bedroom, assuring her it was ok to go to bed, I could overhear the men getting dressed and discussing how they felt about the transaction that just took place. As the one man, who I think was the receiver was looking for a sock (his words, not mine), I heard his body slip and fall hard, then tumble down our wooden stairs. He was crying and through his ongoing shouts, I was able to confirm he had slipped on the semen right by where the stairs begin. The guy even yelled out, 'I just slipped on your dick juice you A-hole! I told you to put it on the door!!!'
'I am so sorry, I uhh, are you ok?' the other man whispered loudly. As the one who fell down yelled back at him, he continued to size up the situation and strategize his departure. 'Look, I don't you, man. My wife is expecting me home in 5 minutes, I gotta go. Hopefully someone will find you here and help you. Au Revoir and Fuck you,' he said as he bolted out the exit door. Through my window, I watched him do a hood slide across his car, before adjusting his Police Uniform by tucking in his shirt and putting on his wedding ring. It was rather twisted, but he made a sign of the cross and pointed up like he just got a touchdown, so that made me think of putting Brian Hoyer in my fantasy team because I was impressed how he had played the week before (the guy was a backup for Tom Brady. Seriously, I think he could be good for The Browns).
Several minutes later, maybe like 20 or so minutes, with my mother in her room and now actually sleeping, I opened the back door to my stairwell and observed the injured man who was lying on his back with his one leg stuck in the railing, and that leg was broken as fuck. He was trying to reach his iphone 4s which was 3 feet too far from his reach as he cried and attempted to pull up and fasten his pants and look natural. It was then he spotted me and so for a minute we just stared at each other as I stepped out of my door frame slowly. I didn't have much to say but when he gave me the middle finger I became enraged. So I stood closer towards the top of the stairs, pulled out my penis, and peed on him in silence. I thought if he had tried to get tough about it, I could get back into my apartment, call the police and save face.
Strangely, none of us spoke one word as my stream of pee landed perfectly on him and not only that, but this sick man, he did not even flinch once. As I continued to hold up my middle finger and pee on him, I felt comfortable enough to give him the middle finger with my right hand too and aim my pee using only my waist and hips. It worked swimmingly. I stared him down as remained unmoved as if my urine was just warm rain, falling from the clouds softly, like an angel's attempt to reinvigorate our depraved souls. I hit his face first then moved down to his upper torso then back up to his face before I trickled down to an end. At this point, I wondered if I still had a vitamin water left in my refrigerator. I was hoping I did.
'Is that it? Is that all you got? You're cute, what's your name?' He asked.
'My name is fuck you, and don't have sex in my stairwell. How about that?' I informed him sternly.
'Oh well nice to meet you, I'm Todd,' he said. 'We should go out sometime.'
'No. It's not nice to meet you. This isn't the South Side, there are rules here, punk. That's why I just peed on your body. I had to teach you some respect. Don't ever do what you did again, you understand me?' I asked this as I straightened out my blue lined Target pajama pants. 'You need to grow up and get your life together.'
At this point, him and I just looked each other while he wiped the sweat and pee off his forehead and eyes. A minute passed as we looked at each other in another recess of silence. I then farted really loud and then just after, nodded my head in a 'Yes' sort of motion to let him know who makes the decisions in my hood and high rise executive condo building. I then closed my door never to see the man again.
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