Joined: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:23 pm
Posts: 7415
Location: Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear
pizza_Place: Lou's, Pequod's
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http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/mis/4116337797.html I farted on our date and then you abruptly left me  - w4m - 28 (Lakeview)So here we are.
This is what is has come to. Why must dating be so stupid and difficult? Why must it be that when I meet a great guy on the Internet, and then go out to dinner with him, I blow it, literally (air out of butthole), and then blow it figuratively (chance at love)?
We went out for Italian last Friday, a nice quiet place on Broadway. The night was calm and with only 5 min into out date, I knew I was gonna let you go ATM as soon as we got to either your place or mine. Things were going good I guess you can say. And you are def funnier as well, so while you were talking about your brother passing away 2 months ago, I asked you to hold that thought, watch this, I said.....
I stood up and tried farting on the candle's flame which sat on our table and although it was a shutter fart, which sounds more or less like a person with asthma playing the trumpet, no fire seemed to erupt and set fire to the table cloth as planned. I inspected this as everyone in the resteraunt seemed shocked too. The hostess even looked at me and shook her head to indicate her disbelief as well.
'That's odd,' I said. 'I had fish tacos earlier and they can usually heat up my whole apartment. Maybe there is too much nitrogen in the air or something,' I suggested, feeling embarassed my joke sorta bombed.
'Sit the fuck down,' you snapped back at me. Your tone through me off.
'What's wrong? Did I use your joke? I'll sit down in a minute, I gotta go shit. Wait here. And order me a beer, ok?'
As I said this, you looked away at the exit and seemed to be contemplating leavings he scene, so I warned you nicely.
'Don't you even fucking think about leaving my sexy tits in the resteraunt, mister. If you walk out that door I am going to make you wish you never had a belly button. Understand?'
'The fuck does that mean?' You asked back.
'It means fuck you and stay here with my fart smell while I go shit. And order me a beer and don't be a little bitch, is what that means,' I elaborated.
By now everyone was looking at us, and as I surveyed them, I turned back towards you not noticing you used this time to grab a glass of water and through it in my face. I thought for sure when I saw the manager running towards us he was going to beat your ass. So when he ran up and kicked me In the vagina and then slapped me before kicking me the vagina once more and slapping me again, I was surprised but toughed it out. I just stood and looked at him like I was the T-1000 from Terminator 2, like it had meant nothing to me. The manager was scared as he put his hands up and stared crying, saying that he had two children. I escorted him to the kitchen by holding the back of his neck and then grabbed a handful of garlic mash potatoes and slapped in him the face before kicking him in the stomach. Immediately he threw up right on the spot and then as he walked to the phone as I just stood there, he slipped on his vomit and his head hit the tile very hard. The Mexican workers just looked at me as one held up a cross to keep my soul from evoking his. Then he called me 'diablo' as I squatted down to check the manager.
'He is dead. I have to shit. One of you hand me a bowl. NOW! DO IT!' I yelled. 'HAND ME A BOWL RIGHT NOW SO I CAN'T EMPTY MY ASS!'
As a bowl was pushed towards me with a broom handle by a guy who was using a flipped over table as shield (which wouldn't have worked on me), I grabbed it and sighed.
I pooped in the bowl and then put it on the counter as the cook offered some tears and asked me if it was Iraq or Afganistan or Detriot that fucked my brain up so.
'It was a boy. And I am going to find him. Peace be with you.'
'And also with you, seniorita,' the man said while making the sign if the cross.
I walked home and watched a movie I got from the Rebox. Have you seen 'Now you see me'?
It sucked and was stupid.
Kelly
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