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For her epic Twitter story. Can be read @seananmcguire. Here it is:
Okay, okay, who wants to hear about the asshole camper with the lizard in his leg?
So for years, emboldened by my ability to survive my lizard- and snake-filled childhood without dying, I worked for a reptile rescue org.
Rattlesnake in your yard? Lizard in your shower? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT IT'S HISSING AND ANIMAL CONTROL SAYS NO? You call us.
Pretty much if a) it happened within forty miles, and b) it had scales, we'd get called in.
We are not talking a big, well-funded group here. We're talking two herpetologists, four herpetology students, and about six volunteers.
We get a call one day from a local urgent care. "There is a man here with a lizard in his leg." Naturally, we assume we've misheard.
But hey, the word "lizard" was involved, so we agree to come over and get the poor thing, which is probably freaked out.
We get to the urgent care. We explain that we are Reptile Rescue. We are shown to a room where a bloody man is lying on a cot.
There are like, eight people in the room with him, staring in horror and awe. Naturally, we are confused. There is no lizard. Just blood.
The lizard STICKS HIS HEAD out of the HOLE in the dude's ACTUAL FUCKING LEG and hisses at us.
Cue the following: "WHAT." "It's in his leg." "WHAT." "Please get it out." "WHAT." "It tried to bite a nurse."
So asshole had gone camping on Mt. Diablo, in an area where he wasn't supposed to be, and he didn't like lizards.
An alligator lizard got into his tent. He lost his shit, and decided to STAB THE LIZARD. While it was on his leg.
He missed the lizard. He missed the artery. He did not miss the leg.
Like most lizards, alligator lizards LOVE holes. They run right for 'em, to get the fuck away from assholes with knives.
Once INSIDE THE DUDE'S LEG, the alligator lizard had whipped around, gotten into a defensive position, and refused to come out.
We spent about five minutes discussing how best to extract a hissing, biting, angry alligator lizard from a dude's leg.
This is where my total lack of common sense comes in handy. I asked for a pair of gloves. I walked over to the dude. "Howdy." "HISS."
I stuck my finger in front of the alligator lizard's mouth. I was CHALLENGING HIM. I was A SCARY CHALLENGER.
The alligator lizard promptly bit the shit out of my thumb.
Once he was clamped down good and hard, I pulled, and like Jack Horner and the plum, the alligator lizard popped right out of the dude.
We put the alligator lizard in our carrying cage, washed my hands, confirmed that I didn't need a bandaid, and went home.
The alligator lizard, named "Bowie," lived for six years, sired hundreds of babies, and never lost his taste for human flesh.
_________________ The Original Spanky wrote: I don't like white rappers.
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