Bears: Roy Williams reported to Bears camp fat and out of shape because that's what Roy Williams does. Johnny Knox is still the No. 1 wideout, essentially by default. Behrens says the Bears staff loves Marion Barber (it's because they haven't seen him get hurt yet), which means he'll probably steal goal line carries away from Matt Forte, which makes him a fucker. They also signed WR Sam Hurd, who sucks. TE Greg Olsen is gone, so Cutlerfucker will again be working with a limited arsenal. I'm sure he'll handle it with his usual dose of good cheer. He's a third tier starting fantasy QB. He's also a dipshit.

Dolphins: BARF. Oh God. It's like staring at a dead deer that's been on the side of the road for a fucking week. Chad Henne blows. And since he blows, Brandon Marshall will blow, and then Brandon Marshall will hit someone with a brick. Brian Hartline is the No. 2 wideout. Daniel Thomas is the big rookie running back, but Behrens has noted that the Dolphins have gone to great lengths this preseason to get Reggie Bush the ball. So it'll be a platoon backfield on a wretched team. Goody. I'd rather watch a dog die than draft a Miami player.