. . . I hear this is now circulating among radio stations nationwide:

REZUMAY

NAME: Michael Nort

REZIDINCE: My house.

AGE: 55, but since I stopped drinkin’, I have da body and da stammina of a young stallyun.

SEX: Yes, but not as offen as I wood like.

PUHZISHON SAWT
POZISHEN SAUGHT
PAZ
XXXX
JOB I WANT: Radio talk show host.

CELERY REKWIRED
SALRY REEQW
XXXX
MONEY I WANT: More den one millyun dollers a year.

EDYOOKASHUN:
HIGH SKOOL: G.E.D. (Dat’s not da name of da skool. Dat’s da ting I got instedd of gradyooatin’.)
COLLIGE: None.
(I did my learnin’ on da tuff, vialent streets of Rogers Park.)

PREEVIUS EMPLOYMINT:
Back in da day, I owned a hot dog stand an’ den I went intuh radio. I did mid-days an’ afternoons an’ did great sports segmints like Steak an’ B.J. Day an’ Dog Adopshuns. I am now da host an’ creeative geenious of da Mike Nort Mornin’ Show on WSCR, Chicahgo. I came up wit great ideeas like hirin’ a waitriss from my favrite restrant to be da exekyootiv prodoocer an’ talkin’ more politiks on da show. We consistintly finish in at least second place in da ratings amung mornin’ sports talk shows in da highly competetiv Chicahgo market.

HOBBYS AN’ UDDER INTRESTS:
Me an’ Tom Les (brudder of all-time NBA great, da immortil Jim Les) coaches da Noter Dame High Skool boys varsitee basketball team even dough I has absolootely no qualifikashuns for such a job. I also likes to eat at Gibsons an’ play Goldin Tee an’ I once recorded a smash hit CD, “Cawkasian Man”, witch I tink wood have been a chart-topper except dat da sales figures was flawed.

HONNERS AN’ AWARDS:
Chicahgo Radio Icon, 2008. I tink I also got sometin’ once from da Italian-American Sports Hall uh Fame. (I is only haff-Italian, so I is not in da Mafia or anyting like dat, aldough I do tink dey is pretty cool.) I wuz also goin’ to have a sofball field named for me until a bunch of over-sensitiv Chinamen an’ liberuls stuck dere noses in my bizness.

REFRINCES:
Pleez contact Mr. Fred Huebner, WSCR, Chicahgo. He will tell you what a great man I am an’ how everyting I says is always right. Pleez do not contact any Mexicans (you can tell who dey are becuz dey wear sombreros—exsept for Antonio Mora, but he don’t work in Chicahgo no more anyways) or Chinamen or udder minoritys. Dey has a biassed opinion of me, but I do know dis: to find out about my true feelin’s of love an’ brudderhood for all men, you may contact Mr. Fritzy Pappadopolous (or sometin’ like dat), my deer friend and former host of anudder one of my great bits, Fritzys Nite on da Town, witch by da way, was shot down by more PC do-gooders who couldn’t stand a little good-natured ribbing of dose of da Heebroo persuashun, who gets to take dere own holidays off as well as da real American holidays.

Why no mention of losing to “Corky from Life Goes On” during Retarded Jeopardy week or raising less money than that kid from the movie “Mask” in a Celebrity Bachelor’s Auction?