Hello!!!

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What?! He's an old man! I'm confused!

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"All crowds boycotting football games shouldn't care who sings or takes a knee because they aren't watching." - Nas

Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office

Uncle Leo : Elaine . Hello . What are you doing here ?

Elaine : Leo . Has the doctor been in yet ?

Uncle Leo : No . I am going to ask him about my eyebrows .

Elaine : Okay listen Leo . Your hairless , your scared . When the doctor comes

in let me do the talking . Okay .

Dr. Resnick walks in

Dr. Resnick : Leo . I heard you had a little mishap .

Uncle Leo : It was a fireball .

Elaine : I should have never left him alone .

Dr. Resnick : And who are you ?

Elaine : I am his nurse ... Poloma .

Uncle Leo : You're not my nurse .

Elaine : He has good days and bad .

Dr. Resnick : What seems to be the problem ?

Uncle Leo : Are my eyebrows going to grow back ?

Elaine : And he's has a bit of a rash .

Dr. Resnick : Really .

Elaine : Yeah .

Dr. Resnick : Well there's been a bit of that going around lately . Will you

excuse me Poloma . I just need to get some ointment .

Elaine : I don't like this , it is too easy .

Uncle Leo : Elaine ...

Elaine : Shut up ! I think he's on to us .

Uncle Leo : Elaine what about my eyebrows ?

Elaine : Shhhhhh . Here .

Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him


R.I.P. Uncle Leo.... always a good character.

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Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami

ANSWER THAT DAMN PHONE!

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LEO: Jerry, hello! (Sits down)

JERRY: So, Leo, how's everything? You doin' Okay?

LEO: I still have the ringing in the ears. Sounds like the phone.

JERRY: (Shrugging his problems off) Yeah, yeah. But what about money? Are you strapped? Do you need a little?

LEO: What, are you kidding? I should you loaning you money! (Quickly amending what he just said) But I'm not.

JERRY: (Being frank) Leo, I saw you in Brentano's yesterday.

LEO: Why didn't ya say hello?

JERRY: Because you were too busy stealing a book.

LEO: (Giving a courtesy lesson) You still say hello.

JERRY: (Showing that it's a problem) Leo, I saw you steal.

LEO: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.

JERRY: Who, criminals?

LEO: Senior citizens. No big deal.

JERRY: You could get arrested.

LEO: Arrested? Come on! (Goes into a routine explaination for his stealing) I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Will you take me home?

JERRY: (Pleading) Leo..

LEO: Alright, alright. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.

JERRY: (Thinking he's stopped Leo's thefts) Thank you.

LEO: (Yelling out to every one in the coffee shop) Will somebody answer that damn phone?!

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Allowable Seinfeld Quotes

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"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

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"He is a loathsome, offensive brute
--yet I can't look away."

(Uncle Leo is at the front desk in Monks. He's paying for his check)

JERRY: (Getting up) Uncle Leo. Hello!

LEO: (Bitter) Jerry.

JERRY: (Trying to explain) Uncle Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't know about your.. past.

LEO: (Exiting) You mean my crime of passion? If anyone betrays me, I never forget!

JERRY: (Following Leo out the door) Uncle Leo, wait! Hello?!

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Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami

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Good-bye...

But I thought Jerry said he was in his prime?!?

Thank you Len Lesser.

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Just a few more of my favorites and I'll be done here.....

Jerry and Uncle Leo at Monk's coffee shop.

Uncle Leo: It's about time you called your uncle. We've got to do this once a

week.

Jerry (to himself): Once a week? So how's Lydia?

Uncle Leo: Ah, she's a real tiger.

Jerry: I don't know how you do it.

Uncle Leo: What?

Jerry: A man like you, limiting yourself to one woman, I don't know. But it's

none of my business.

Uncle Leo: What are you talking about?

Jerry: Well...

Uncle Leo: Look at this, I told them medium rare, it's medium.

Jerry: Hey, it happens.

Uncle Leo: I bet that cook is an anti-Semite.

Jerry: He has no idea who you are.

Uncle Leo: They don't just overcook a hamburger, Jerry.

Jerry: All right. Anyway, the point I was making before Goerbbles made your

hamburger is a man like you could be dating women twenty years younger. C'mon

Uncle Leo, I've seen the way women look at you. When's the last time you looked

in a mirror? You're an Adonis! You've got beautiful features, lovely skin,

you're in the prime of your life here, you should be swinging. If I were you

I'd tell this Lydia character, "It's been real," move back into that bachelor

pad and put out a sign; Open for business.

Uncle Leo: Believe me, I thought about it. But she is so perfect in every way,

I can't see a flaw.

Jerry: Well, keep looking.


New scene.

Jerry is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Jay: Welcome back. Talking with Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, lemme ask you, I saw

some people back there, they look like.. family? Is that family?

Jerry: Yeah, I got some family backstage. Course my family's nuts; they're

crazy. Yep. My uncle Leo, (quick take of Uncle Leo in bet with Lydia, watching

Jerry on TV. Lydia is laughing, Leo is not) I had lunch with him the other

day, he's one of these guys that anything goes wrong in life, he blames it on

anti-Semitism. You know what I mean, the spaghetti's not al dente? Cook's an

anti-Semite. Loses a bet on a horse. Secretariat? Anti-Semitic. Doesn't get

a good seat at the temple. Rabbi? Anti-Semite.




New scene.

Monk's coffee shop, Jerry and Uncle Leo are sharing a booth.

Leo: Move back with Lydia?

Jerry: C'mon, you're lucky to have anybody.

Leo: Last week you told me I was in my prime, I should be swinging.

Jerry: Swinging? What are you, out of your mind? Look at you, you're

disgusting. You're bald, you're paunchy, all kinds of sounds are emanating from

your body twenty-four hours a day. If there's a woman that can take your

presence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hang on to her like

grim death. Which is not far off, by the way.

Leo: But she's an anti-Semite.

Jerry: Can you blame her?

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Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami

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This is my signature...

UNCLE LEO: Jerry!

JERRY: Uncle Leo!

UNCLE LEO: Hello!

JERRY: Hello.

MARTY (to Jerry): So, if you or your wife want to drop by on Wednesday, it should be ready.

UNCLE LEO: Your wife?

JERRY (hoping Leo will pick up on the scam): Yeah...my wife.

UNCLE LEO: What are you talking about?

JERRY: Uh...I got married.

UNCLE LEO (shocked): You got married? I wasn't invited? Nobody sends me an invitation?

JERRY: Well, it was sudden.

UNCLE LEO: Are you ashamed of your uncle? Do I embarrass you?

JERRY: No, no, it was a small ceremony.

UNCLE LEO: Haven't I always been a good uncle?

JERRY: Yes, yes, you have.

UNCLE LEO: Who told you when you went to school that you print well?

JERRY: You did, you did.

UNCLE LEO (to Meryl): When he was younger, he had a beautiful penmanship. I used to encourage him to print.

JERRY: I'm a good printer.

UNCLE LEO: I remember your 'V.' It was like a perfect triangle. Whoa, there's my bus! <Rushes out.> Hello! Wait! <Jerry tries to catch Leo before he runs off to tell him about his "pretend marriage," but doesn't make it.>

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at Hank. Forgot about that one. Classic Leo.

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Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami

My favorite part is that he yells out 'Hello' at the bus as it is pulling away He was a great secondary character.

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Nana: Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.

Kramer: Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna happen.

Nana: This is his grandmother.

Kramer: Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.

Nana: Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.

Kramer: As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.

(Cut back to Jerry)

Jerry: -programs like Ken Burns' Baseball. And if Danny Tartabull were here, I'm sure he'd say, 'That's correct, Jerry.'

(Kramer rises in the background)

Kramer: Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.

Jerry: My Nana?

Kramer: And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars!

(Everybody applauds as Uncle Leo comes out from sidestage)

Uncle Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!

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