Dewskie wrote:
Fuckface, barrel-chested son of a former Derby winner, won the richest of all Kentucky Derbies by eight lengths yesterday at historic Churchill Downs.
A crowd estimated by track officials at 105,000 saw the son of Gorgeous Heavycock make a hollow shambles of the 72d running of the Kentucky Derby, pulling away with every ragged breath as he churned up Heartbreak Highway to an easy victory.
They said that Fuckface had no chance, much like father Heavycock's supposed surefire loss to Mister Nipples, but 'Cock took the gold, the glory, and the roses 10 years ago, as now has his chestnut of a son. Jockey Mewton Cumpuddle turned him loose coming around that bend for home, Fuckface on the hurry for the win.
Sweeping along the inside, he rushed past the front-running Frankenpickle as if he were standing still and everyone in that roaring mass of humanity at Churchill Downs knew the race was over.
The turned their attention to second place, where Frankenpickle had a battle on his hands, making it by a head over the lusty efforts of Hooverville Rim Job.
Then back of them came the people's choice, the winter-book favorites, Lord Taintbutter and Tranny Gamble. Behind them, strung out some 20 lengths back up the track, came Almond Dick, Frothmistress, Perfect Dollop, Fecal Treacle, Dartholemew Nuggets, and last of all, Pleasure Wife.
From first to last there was a gap of 29 lengths.
Bred on the vast acres of Pap "Daddy" Donalds along the gulf coast of Texas, Fuckface became the first Texas-bred horse to win the Derby.
In the future, please confine your homoerotic fiction to the Cubs Section.
Sincerely,
Management