MM: Celebrity line ringin’ . . . Hey, it’s my old buddy, John Dewan from Baseball InfoSolutions.com. Heyyyyy, Johhhhnnnyyy . . . !!!

[cue 1950’s-sounding computer beeping and whirring]

JD: Murph, how’s it goin’?

MM: Awww, Johnny, what’ve you got for me today?

JD: Well, I’ve been really busy this week finishing up my new book, “Player Performance Ratings on Odd-Numbered Tuesdays After Masturbating,” so I only had time to come up with a real easy stat for you today. Let’s see if you know. What was the last Chicago team to win the World Series?

MM: Hmmm, well, let’s see, I like your angle . . . that would have to be the 1908 Cubs, right?

JD: Noooo . . . much more recent than that, MUCH more recent . . .

MM: More recent than 1908? Wow . . .

JD: Remember I said CHICAGO team, Murph, not just Cubs.

MM: Well, it wasn’t the ’69 Cubs, was it? I was a Bleacher Bum back then, y’know, blowin’ my trumpet, among other things! [rimshot] Aww, remember ol’ Willie Smith, God rest his soul, hitting that homer on Opening Day . . . Man, that team was loaded, like me on those Saturday nights in Carbondale! [rimshot]

JD: No, not the ’69 Cubs. Think other side of town . . .

MM: Other side? The West Side? Hey, Johnny, what’re ya’ tellin’ ol’ Murph here? The Bulls or the Blackhawks won the World Series? You’re pullin’ my leg. Hey, speaking of legs, how about some of that delicious Brown’s buttermilk-batter chicken for lunch? Brown’s . . . it . . . tastes . . . better. Mmm, I’m thinking of some of that creamy, sticky, milky-white batter right now, kind of dripping off my mouth and my luxuriant mustache . . .

JD: The question, Murph, the question . . .

MM: Well, what if . . . (wait a minute, gotta ring my what-if bell) . . . I said the 1984 Cubs? Aww, remember that Sandberg game against the Cardinals . . .

JD: If you said the 1984 Cubs, you’d be wrong again.

MM: Hmm, well, let’s see . . . it hasn’t been since Andy MacPhail (F-A-I-L, heh, heh!) took over . . . Hey, by the way, later today, we got What’s Your Tool and Beef of the Week, or whatever they are . . . I can’t even keep track anymore of what I’m doin’ here on these two-hour Murphapaloser—I mean Murphapalooza--shows! You know how I do Compressed Columns? Now my whole damn show is compressed! Hey, Fred, how’s the voting coming on Tool of the Week? Fred? Oh, that’s right, he’s not here anymore. They take away my sidekick, my morning gig, they lop two hours off my show, they steal my chair, they pour smelly chicken soup in the sink . . . what the hell kind of a place is this? What? Oh, OK, the question. Car-phone Bob thinks he knows.

Caller: Hey, Murph you dickwad, it was the 2005 White Sox!

MM: Let the record show, the caller called me a dickwad before I hung up on him!

JD: Well, Murph, I assume he lost his chance to be Caller of the Show with that remark, but he’s absolutely right. Just last October, you may recall, it was the . . .

MM: Ah, who cares? I’m going to go home and watch This Old Cub about 42 more times tonight and damn Boers & Bernstein, too, damn them to hell, for making fun of Ronnie Santo’s missing legs and of that guy I know who walked from Arizona to Chicago. And then people wonder why I don’t do cross-talk with those sons-of-bitches! And, John Dewan, screw you and your stats, too! Screw everyone here! I’m having an on-air meltdown right now! They give me all these crappy producers to work with and all these crappy time slots to fill and I get no respect around here! And idiots are on message boards ripping me daily and MacNeil is calling me a prick and saying I haven’t evolved. Evolve this, Mr. $600,000 a year! Yeah, you’re so funny and know so much about football. Geez, what do you expect? They team you with an ex-comedian and an ex-football player, for Christ’s sake! What do they give me to work with??!! NOTHING!!! Wally Phillips did cute drop-ins for 40 years and he was King of Chicago! I do them and everyone thinks I suck! Well, take this, Chicago . . .

[At this point, Murph totally loses control and presses every sound-effect and tape drop-in button he has, all at the same time, and the studio blows up in a huge mushroom cloud. Ironically, and poignantly, the only device left working is a single tape machine, which is pitifully and mournfully playing his closing theme, “Going Mobile,” as we focus in on the charred remains of Murph and then fade out.]

(s)Murf would never go out in a blaze of anything... as soon as he ignited people would be lining up to piss on him to put him out.

and your "parody" would be hilarious if it wasn't so true-to-life

Very nice as usual Pappy's Crappy.

i think that one was my favorite so far....

"we got What’s Your Tool and Beef of the Week, or whatever they are..."

funny stuff

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@audioidkid

I liked the reference to that white batter on Murph's mustache. Very clever and funny P C.

Bravo!!

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"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." ~ H.L. Mencken

You had me hoping for a moment, judging by the subject of the thread...but nontheless, that's some funny shit; worth the read.

OUT........STANDING!!

You win a trip thru Abbey's old drawers.

Damn it! I forgot to throw in a reference to Abbey's old drawers!

Perhaps you could set up a contest when callers vote on whether (s)Murf prefers Duke's briefs over Abbey's old drawers?

THE MURPH EXPLOSION: THE AFTERMATH

[Friends--such as they are--and associates of Murph are arriving at the blown-up studio containing his charred remains to survey the scene and pay their respects. The Duke has just arrived.]

Duke (sobbing uncontrollably as he sees what's left of Murph): Murph, it's me, da Duke--you know, portrayed by prominent Chicago attorney, Joe Crispino. I can't believe you're gone. You was da greatest human bein' in da world. (Yeah, I know, I kinda sound like Mike Nort, don't I?) Year after year, I would be right around 50% on my football picks--in udder words, about da same as a chimp wit a dartboard could do, but you, Murph, you prince of a human bein', kept me on year after year, aldough I contributed absolutely nuttin' to da show. I love, you, man . . . Hey, I wonder if any of his unused yellow pads survived da blast. In da legal business, I can always use dose . . .

[The Duke is led away and now Jimmy Piersall has arrived from Arizona.]

JP: I don't even know what the hell I'm doing here. I never respected this guy's baseball knowledge anyway. Hey, everybody, I had a .997 lifetime fielding percentage, you know, and this bum never put on a jock. Plus, he'd cut me off and correct me when I got names wrong. Ah, who the hell cares, I'm on the other station now, anyway. Maybe I can steal money from them for another 14 years . . .

[Jimmy walks away and B&B arrive for their 2:00 show.]

DB: Wow, this is pretty bad. Damn it, his body is pretty much burned beyond recognition. I was hoping to get up close and identify some bones and ligaments--you know, just to further my already-extensive anatomical knowledge.

TB: Yeah, good thing we do our show from the other studio.

DB: Well . . . I guess even a couple of puds like us have to respect the dead for an appropriate amount of time.

TB: Yeah. How long?

DB: One thousand-one, one thousand-two, one-thousand-three . . . OK, I think that's enough.

TB: Works for me.

DB: You know, I'm just wondering what Alice White wine would go best with grilled Murph . . .

TB: Yeee-eeee-eeee!

Very very nicely done.

All I can add is to pay you my highest compliment.... I wish I'd thought of it

I LOVED IT. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST S--- I EVER READ

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wishin u luv peace andddddddddddddddddddddddddd soul

Good show ol' chap.

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We all have private ails. The troublemakers are they who need public cures for their private ails.- Eric Hoffer

UBER-SOLID!!!

[insert Murph slide-whistle sound effect.]