by unpopular non-request, i present to thee ANATOMY OF A DICKHEADED DOUCHEBAG: THE DAVID KAPLAN STORY, a little diddy i wrote back in april 2010 for the intarwebs. i think it gets to the meat and potatoes of the issue rather nicely.

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WARNING: TL;DR LURKS. HIDE THE WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND EASILY IMPRESSIONABLE, DISTRACTED, OR ANNOYED. THIS IS ACTUAL WRITING THAT DOES NOT STOP AND TAKE INVENTORY OF THE STANDARDS OF COLLOQUIAL INTERNET MESSAGEBOARD BASED CONVERSATION THEREFORE DO NOT ENGAGE THE PROCEEDING POST UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO, GASP, ENTER THE REALM OF A MAN WITH AUDACITY LEVELS SO BOUNDLESS THAT HE WILLS 500+ WORDS INTO EXISTENCE AS IF HE WERE SOME SORT OF A MASOCHIST THAT WISHES TO MAKE YOU SUFFER.
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Saturday, April 24th, 2010
6:56 pm

the anatomy of a dickheaded douchebag: david kaplan

i don't like david kaplan. this guy is a douchebag, trust me on this one. it's painfully obvious when you look up his wikipedia page (http://en.wikipedia....lan_%28radio%29 ) which is basically a dump of his gleaming wgnradio.com bio, no doubt. even though wikipedia warns you :This article may require cleanup to meet Wikipedia's quality standards. Please improve this article if you can. (June 2009) --- This biography of a living person does not cite any references or sources. Please help by adding reliable sources. Contentious material about living people that is unsourced or poorly sourced must be removed immediately. (June 2009)" nobody has dared mess with david kaplan, so you get treated to such nuggets as....

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"Raised in Skokie, Illinois, David attended Hamline University in St. Paul, Minnesota where he received a Bachelor of Arts in English and played both football and baseball. He also earned the “First Decade” award for the most outstanding performance by a Hamline alum in their first 10 years out of college. Kaplan was also named “Father of the Year” by the Illinois Fatherhood Initiative."

father of the year? how the fuck do you award that? how many great fathers are out there without a radio show to propagate their.... father of the year-i-ness? yeesh. speaking of his radio show, he literally has people lining up to blow him for it:

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David Kaplan joined WGN Radio as a sports reporter in April of 1995 and is currently the afternoon drive sports reporter and host of Sports Central, heard weeknights from 7 to 9pm. Kaplan he has earned six Achievement in Radio (A.I.R.) Awards, including three for best sports talk show and two for best sportscast. The Associated Press named him “Newsfinder of the Year” for breaking several major stories. In addition, he was awarded the prestigious 2005 Silver Dome Award for Best Local Broadcast Team, an award given by the Illinois Broadcasters Association.

In January of 2008, Kaplan was named the host of Chicago Tribune Live on Comcast SportsNet. “CTL” airs live Monday-Friday from 5:30-6:30 p.m. and is a roundtable discussion of the hot stories in the sports world featuring Kaplan and a panel of guests including writers from the Chicago Tribune. In November of 2009 he and the staff of Chicago Tribune Live were awarded the prestigious Emmy Award for Best Interview Program for their work on CTL.

In December of 2009, Kaplan agreed to become a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. He and longtime writer Fred Mitchell author the award winning "Around Town" column 5-6 days per week. The column covers the happenings in and around the Chicago sports scene as well the sports celebrities that come through the Windy City.
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HELL, we don't even have to say what award/s his lameass "i saw athlete so-and-so eating at some schnazzy restaurant with friends" column in the tribune gets, i mean, EVERYTHING THIS ASSHOLE DOES IS UP FOR AN AWARD! literally, the guy has a few tricky cumshots and he's up for and winning father of the year because, clearly, this guy needs awards for everything he does.

i mention all of this because i want to give you a clear idea of the kind of over-validated smarmy asshole you're dealing with here. once again, i happened across his page today after troddling through the #blackhawks hash on twitter, where i strolled through some other tribune co writer's page who referenced something with kaplan, so i ended up on his page. this guy basically tells you what to think about sports... granted, he gets hundreds of people making stupid one-off comments or asking him questions that he gleams over, he'll respond to you if you make a little pithy insult at him, where i reckon he looks over at your page and sees that you're of average-at-best intelligence, then he'll talk down to you.

you see, when i called him "a baldheaded alien looking smarmy authoritative talking-down-to-us fuck" i don't know if he filed me under "crazy" or looked over at my page to see what kind of a world of pain he'd be entering if he tried arguing with me using words and thoughts, so he just blocked me right away, although truth be told i never looked at his page even once til i stumbled across it today after the blackhawks tough victory and i that other tribune co. writer talking to him and i wanted to cross-reference what he said. that is where i noticed the following interaction, which i have meticulously recreated for your viewing disdain >>>

@thekapman: Soriano's effort on a 2nd inning 2B that should have been a 3B was sickening. He stood at home and watched the ball thinking it was a HR. 10:03 PM Apr 19th via web

@future308 > @thekapman: sickening? Really? sickening? Hyperbole much baldy? 10:06 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

(play by play analysis: comeon, @future308, you can do much better than this. once again, i came at him with claims of being a smarmy alien asshole and he never acknowledged me, str8 to the block. he must have looked at this guy and his page and decided he's an idiot and therefore he could talk down to him

@thekapman > @future308 If you are not sickened watching a professional not hustle then there really isn't much for u and I to talk about. 10:11 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to future308

play by play: classic fallacy here. in fact i went on wikipedia and looked up fallacy and came across this:

Irrelevant Conclusion: diverts attention away from a fact in dispute rather than address it directly.

* Example

Argument: Billy believes that war is justifiable, therefore it must be justifiable.
Problem: Billy can be wrong. (In particular this is an appeal to authority.)

in this case, @future308 called out @thekapman for the hyperbole of the word sickening, with only a twinge of some ad hominem (but in this case he's correct, as david kaplan is a bald smarmy alien looking fuck, so we'll give him a pass) and as opposed to commenting on the nature of hyperbole, he tells @future308 that if you disagree with him you are not allowed to talk to him. the logic would go >>

Argument: David Kaplan believes that Alfonso Soriano is sickening, therefore it must be sickening.
Problem: David Kaplan can be wrong (In particular, this is a display of authority)

thankfully, @future308 has only begun to fight.

@future308 > @thekapman: do you have any idea how much that happens on a nightly basis? you must get "sick" a lot. come on now, stop with the hyperbole. 10:15 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

play by play: our guy @future308 reiterated his case, that for the sake of aggrandizing his media presence and once again being the arbiter of all thoughts and attempting to be "the voice of the fan" or whatever he thinks he is, @thekapman is using hyperbole to come off like a righteous douchebag. his original point stands but he is no longer content to engage @thekapman knowing the brick wall of fallacy that will be placed before him, thus leading us into....

@future308 > @thekapman: and did you really mention Z's bad year last year? Compared to Silva he pitched like Lincecum. 10:20 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

defending carlos zambrano? i can go for that. the dude is a vat of unrealized potential (hence why i can relate to the dude. even in zambrano's "bad" years he has a sub-4 ERA solid K numbers and gives out more than enough quality shots to deserve at least a few more wins than he gets.

@thekapman > @future308 I am simply pointing out how he has thrown over the past year. Nothing more and nothing less. 10:23 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to future308

play by play: OH SNAPS, YOU DONE TOLD @FUTURE308 MAN. see, once again, david kaplan is RIGHT, compounded by "nothing more and nothing less." i'm sure if i had an actual up and back debate with him, somewhere in his head he'd think "i'm david kaplan, i have radio shows tv shows and i'm a local celebrity on the sports talk scene. who is this deranged loser? I AM @THEKAPMAN AND HE IS NOBODY. once again, notice the authoritative tone, because david kaplan isn't ARGUING SOMETHING, he's SIMPLY POINTING something OUT, much like when someone tells you that you're a fat slob who should probably get into shape, they're not INSULTING you, they're MERELY MAKING A SUGGESTION THAT WOULD HELP YOU. you see, somewhere in the foundation of @thekapman's argument is that by "simply pointing out" how zambrano has pitched, he is unequivocally right.

@future308 > @thekapman: he's still a better pitcher than gorz and silva, and that's an inarguable fact. 10:27 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

before kap can get to him, he has to plug his livelihood, aka the #1 usage for twitter

@thekapman > You have to hear Lou Piniella on the post game show. Coming up right after News headlines. Tune in to WGN Radio - 720 AM. 10:28 PM Apr 19th via web

@thekapman > Please ask your friends to follow @thekapman for the best in breaking Chicago sports news. 10:29 PM Apr 19th via web

fret not, kapperoonie, i have, in my own unique way, asked my friends to follow @thekapman for the best in breaking chicago sports news. anyways, now that we've paid the bills and invited people to club kaplan to have their opinions on sports shaped by the master, let's get back to our content!

@thekapman > @future308 I don't disagree that he is a more talented pitcher but he has to start producing. How can u defend him when he fails to produce 10:32 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to future308

once again, kapman questions whether someone can even DEFEND a guy, because once again when you are presented with the irrelevent conclusion fallacy, clearly, you base the meat and potatoes of your talking down to someone around the sematics of a relative word like "produce" and then ask how someone can even dare to challenge your opinion when something doesn't meet their arbitrary semantics for an arbitrary word or terminology. KAP IS A PRO AT THIS. HE TALKS TO US MOUTHBREATHING FIRE-N-PASHIN CHICAGOANS FOR A LIVING.

before our guy future has a chance to respond tho, david kaplan is always in it for the fans

@hyzomayah > @thekapman Do I get a prize for already following the dude with the best in breaking Chicago sports news? 10:31 PM Apr 19th via web

@thekapman > @hzomayah u are the man! Please pass it along. 10:33 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to hzomayah

always, and i repeat, always reward those who kiss your ass and do your bidding. in this case, spreading the glennbeckishly-authoritative (breaking) sports views of david kaplan, to your friends. save him the work. ANYWAYS, before returning volley, our guy @thekapman manages to increase his twitter output to THREE MEDIUMS AT ONCE, the web, tweetdeck, and a weird cryptic txt message

@thekapman > U r really funny!!!!!!! Philliessssssssssss 10:34 PM Apr 19th via txt

@thekapman > Here comes Lou Piniella on WGN Radio. 10:35 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck

i have scrolled back through 5 days worth of people making comments and asking questions that will never get answered by @thekapman, and i can find no @thekapman reference to anything that mentions the phillies around the same time period

@future308 > @thekapman: you really think Silva or Gorz will outproduce him over an 162 game season? You're better than that. I'm not defending anybody. 10:33 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

now, @future308 fell off here because this is where i would personally twitslam kapman with stats that prove his technically-correct counterpoint to big daddy @thekapman, however, i can assure you that by any and all reasonable metrics used to measure the quality of a baseball player, carlos zambrano is a far better pitcher than carlos silva or tom gorzellany. seeing as carlos zambrano was just sent to the bullpen whilst carlos silva and tom gorzellany stay in the rotation, this is a reasonable comparison to make.

he was intending to defend carlos zambrano by saying "hey hey the two other guys you kept in the rotation instead of him are lesser pitchers" to be concise and under 140 characters, thus keeping the twittertarian spirit alive.

[star wars imperal march theme plays]

@thekapman > @future308 Did I say that? I don't think so. Don't forget that Zambrano won exactly 9 games last season. U think that's worth 19 million? 10:41 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to future308

can anyone else see the parenting vibes here? DID I SAY THAT?! then, of course, he answers his own semi-rhetorical question as if we'd be wrong in assuming he might have said that, thus upping the doucheometer to john mayeresque levels of douchey excellence. then, from atop his high perch of indisputable sports knowledge, he once again REMINDS US to NOT FORGET, akin to that INSULT versus SUGGESTION sugarcoating, that zambrano won nine games for $19 million dollars a year. all of a sudden, money comes into it, which means that like everything in our corporate paradise of a society, it's about the bottom line. the arbitrary stat of production has only SOMETHING to do with actual production on the baseball field, because, you know, everything is proportional to the amount of money invested in it. money is more than a tool for tools to acquire tools and services necessary to live life, IT IS THE UNEQUIVOCAL MEASURE OF ONE'S WORTH IN OUR SOCIETY! WHO CARES WHAT YOU DO ON THE BASEBALL FIELD, I SAY, I SAY </foghorn> WHAT ARE YOU DOING PROPORTIONAL TO HOW MUCH YOU MAKE?!

i'm sure kap has a little smug heh heh going on figuring that by bringing up the ZAMBRANO'S A BUM CUZ HE DOESN'T EARN HIS PAYCHECK angle, he has won the argument. however, @future308 has not yet even begun to fight

@future308 > @thekapman: wtf are you talking about? the conversation was about who to take out of the rotation when Lilly comes back. Of course Z isn't.. worth 19 mil, and I never said it was. Z>Silva/gorz. Z stays in the rotation, one of them leaves. Not hard. you get paid 4 this. 10:43 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

OOOH SNAPS!! much like i have pointed out, our guy @future308 has called out his bullshit and gotten to the core of the issue. clearly this is pertaining to his cubs-post-game-show gig, as for some odd reason the new program director at WGN radio has ended the long-running sports central program that he has been at the helm of for ~10-15 years. he made some signoff thing where he kissed everyone's ass and was i love the fans it was a privledge an honor and blah blah blah awards and emmys please.

@thekapman > @future308 I'm sure that is what will happen but quit defending Z! 10:47 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to future308

so now we're at the dismissive point. it turns out that this was before zambrano got demoted, an idea that by scrolling through @thekapman page he has evidently endorsed and liked. so once again, david only acknowledges this guy to let him know that he's wrong, and that he NEEDS TO QUIT DEFENDING Z. at the risk of being a broken record here, does anyone else notice the authoritative parental tones here? still though, our guy @future308 ain't going without a fight so despite the undertones to shut up and go away, he, with his inner troll gleaming continues on (just like i'd do)

@future308 > @thekapman: are you even reading what Im tweeting? How am I "defending" him? By sayings hes better than two horrible pitchers? My God. 10:48 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

no explanation necessary, he says what needed to be said and basically is like "wtf?"

of course, by now @thekapman has moved on to licking his comcast sportsnet buddies' asses, in this case luke stuckmeyer, no doubt.

@thekapman > @CSNStucky Enjoy your scoops! 10:51 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to CSNStucky

wanting validation for being correct and being douched by this guy, @future308 continues on

@future308 > @thekapman: Silva=REAL bad. Gorz=READ bad. Z=bad. If that's defending him, then so be it. 10:52 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to thekapman

bam. get your point across, but once again he's clarifying his semantics in the wake of an arbitrarily-pulpitted (if that's not a verb it is now) radio host who doesn't debate you on the topics, he tells you why you're wrong for not agreeing with him.

AND IF THE AUTHORITATIVELY PARENTAL OVERTONES WEREN'T FUCKING OBVIOUS ALREADY, @THEKAPMAN ISSUES HIS MASTER CONTROL PROGRAM FROM TRON TYPE "END OF LINE" STATEMENT

@thekapman > @future308 enough already. 10:52 PM Apr 19th via TweetDeck in reply to future308

and then someone else notices what i've been harping on this whole time!

@ji711 > @future308 THAT'S ENOUGH. GO TO YOUR ROOM. 4 days ago

and our hero and protagonist shares a laugh at the expense of authoritatively parental douchebag, david kaplan, aka @thekapman

@future308 > @ji711: ENOUGH 10:55 PM Apr 19th via web in reply to ji711

meanwhile @thekapman tells some guy named steve crothers (who from what i estimate is some middle aged ad exeuctive who i bet is a good golf partner) that he's wrong about somethign before RETREATING INTO THE KAPHOLE FOR ANOTHER DAY... TIL HE LURKS AGAIN

but you know what? i'm wrong and i'm a jealous hater... this guy has played golf with michael jordan. consider his life thusly validated!

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Really pushing my one scroll of the mouse wheel per thread rule.

But Kap is kinda an ass kissing dick, so it's OK

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"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

Wish I can have a TV show that I can put my bartender on and make sure all my meals are free. It makes that Bartender guy look like a clown that Kap has him sitting there like the resident Meatball.

His opinions are about as edgy and Jow O and Connor.

It took me awhile to figure out why that show sucks so much and I finally got it.

You know the SNL Schvetty balls skit and the 2 ladies need to have a comment about everything, with a 'Hmm' Yeah" Uhuh" Great....etc...that is what they do...they can volley back and forth with one word approvals or disagreements for like 3 minutes on every topic...

CONNOR:"I really think Mike Jordan was great!'
JOE"yeah"
CONNOR"Uh hum"
JOE"Gotta agree with you"
CONNOR"No doubt"
JOE"Obviousely"

_________________
"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

That and they basically have the same exact voice. I honestly have no idea who's talking during that show, not that it really matters cuz I just refer to them as Milque and Toast in my head.

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It speaks volumes that this is a board devoted to chicago sports talk on the radio and he gets almost no attention despite having a show on for the last decade. He is the guy who has taken the torch from Chet in still producing that tired format of sports radio show despite it going out of style two decades ago. i'd expect nothing less from WGN.

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Listen to Kaplan again on Tribune Live (Comcast Sports). I have ripped him on here too but I think he has improved. He actually has real opinions and might be better than I originally thought.

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favrefan said:"Chris Coghlan isn't gonna pay your rent, Jimmy."

I do not feel the hatred for Kap or CTL either. I believe CTL produces good ratings does it not? Not a real thought provoking show but not really horrible by any stretch. Guys talking sports. If it is that bad WTF is AM 670 from sun up to sundown?