Panther questions Ranger's ability to bring the goods at the Ozzie roast. Let's give him a few suggestions to help our friend along.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

"I can stand up here and recite the alphabet to you assholes and it wouldn't matter. You know why? Because I'm schtooping Ginger Zee."

"Ginger really gets around. I hear that she's about to dump the storm chaser and start going after Oney. So I guess you can say he will Tweet about her twat"

_________________

Ozzie is so poor with the English language the Score hired stephen hawking as celebrity translator for the night.

Ozzie was a small slight guy when he entered the league as a teenager. Now, I'm not saying Ozzie has put on weight over the years, but during a tour of Japan little kids were running up to him rub his belly for good luck.

There is a rumor that Ozzie and Ibis have been hired as the new spokespersons for birth control

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Hey Oney, Frank Sinatra Jr called and said to stop stealing his act.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Ozzie Smith is now officially the better shortstop because his sons don't screw over their father later in life. They just screw other men.

Ozzie mows my lawn.

"I remember the first time I walked into Ozzie's office to introduce myself. He called me a little cocksucker. I said 'That's what Ibis is for'".

_________________

The name "Oney" stands for "mistake" in Venezuela.

What can I say about my good friend Ed Farmer. Ed calls everyone his friend. At great length. In the middle of an inning. After pimping organ donation. 2-1 the count to Beckham. And greeting another guest, or Moose. Hey Ed, remember that night in Baltimore when you guys did the prank they did in Bull Durham with the water on the field? No one else does either. And that's ball four to Beckham.

_________________

The White Sox family is so dysfunctional Mc Kenzie Phillips refused its petition for adoption.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Kenny Williams wanted to be here, but he was too busy trying to convince Neo to take the blue pill.

_________________

Outstanding. That one would be a great addition for any roaster who reads this thread. That one will bring down the house.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Ozzie wanted to name all three of his boys after himself ala George Foreman, but he spelled two of their names wrong.

_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Matthew, Tulsi, and Don

The Guillen children are so terrible that sometimes you wonder if Michelle Smith was on to something.

Jerry was so pleased that Ozzie won the World Series in his second year, he amended his contract to "Ozzie only has to cut my grass every other week"

_________________

Looks like the economy is improving.

We were able to find 300 White Sox fans who had a 100 bucks.

_________________
You know me like that.

I don't want to say that Ozzie talks too much, but Kathy Griffin, Joan Rivers, and Mike North just tweeted "Ozzie, shut the fuck up." Speaking of tweets, you should really subscribe to twitter.com/FredoGuillen. Oney, you have the decision making ability of Patrick Kane four days after the Cup win.

_________________

What does Ozzie's mouth and his wife's vagina have in common? Every other thing that comes out of it is retarded.

The Guillen boys are so harmful Ibis' uterus has recently been registered as a lethal weapon with the FBI.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

At least Andy Reid's kids keep their mouths shut

But seriously, its great to see Oney here tonight.

In low voice : If only condoms had made it to Vensuala sooner

The Guillen offspring are the worst thing to happen to Venezuela since the Monaga brothers.

Ozney, Oney, Ibis...Ozzie must have spent his younger years in this city at the Robert Taylor Homes.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Im sure Ozzie will threaten retirement at least once tonight

Anything that comes out of Ozzie is pretty hard to swallow. Especially those things that know how to use Twitter, right Ibis?

Why did Ozzie kiss his son after winning the World Series in '05? It had been awhile since he kissed a clean-shaven face.

Oney feels confident in pointing out flaws in everyone's family relationships because he had such a strong model in his house growing up. His dad was smart, funny, wise, loving with his wife, a well respected obstetrician...oh wait, that was Cliff Huxtabell on the tv in the house while Ozzie was on the road or out drinking and whoring in his youth.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Ozzie got so fed up with Oney last month that he called Tony Dungy for parenting advice.

_________________
You know me like that.