This "Kap" guy is too big for The Game. I think he's destined for bigger and better things, maybe something like an evening slot on WGN 720AM now that they're going to lose the Cubs and only have the Blackhawks and maybe Northwestern Football in terms of proper sports, and the latter doesn't affect the timeslot that I figure Kaplan could DOMINATE for no less than 10 years if they make the move.
I'm tellin ya, I see greatness in this Kaplan guy's future. He could even win the coveted "Father of the Year" award given, erm not necessarily given every year to fathers who display extraordinary achievements in the field of excellence by getting their kids up into skyboxes and/or into lockerrooms to meet-n-greet pro athletes. i scoff at those asswipes who give their kid a kidney or like, you know, die to save their kid in the wake of a natural disaster or something. that's all fine and good, but are you saving your kid's life so they can get patrick's sharp autograph? does their father have a picture with michael jordan to give them the confidence that they need to go forth and EXCEL? you might have saved their life, sure but what kind of a life did you save? one that's not a life with the "Father of the Year" that's for sure.
not to mention some of those asshat "selfless" (ha! if you're selfless take yourself out of the running) aka "sacrificial" fathers aren't alive so why should you waste a perfectly good award to give to a dead guy? what's the family gonna do, put the award on their mantle and have it next to a picture of the deceased and always think "man, my father was a great great man" whenever they happen to pay the mini-shrine a visit? pfffft fuck that fuck them. give the award to somebody who really NEEDS it, you know, the kind of person who'd proudly put it on their own wikipedia page so it looks like the guy can't wake up in the morning and wipe his ass after a shit without getting an award from it. that's the kind of person who benefits most from the "Father of the Year" award, and therefore that's who it should always go to. Better yet just name it "The David Kaplan Award for paternal excellence in mimicking 'Kap' , who is clearly a proper renaissance man for our time and market (pic related)
so all that's left is David Kaplan (centaur) or David Kaplan (mythological legend) or better yet David Kaplan (deity) to make sure all the bases are covered, cuz clearly there's only one david kaplan, he just has his various occupations technically listed as other David Kaplans because if the world knew that he was as great as he is (and not just merely as great as we already know he is) he might be abducted by the government and chained up in a labratory where they run tests on him for the rest of his life. to complete the ruse they'd just put a scarecrow out there with a bald head and a little pocket recorder with 20 random soundbites that say things like "I'M JUST TELLING IT LIKE IT IS" or "My sources out east tell me [information]" or "That's enough [Haugh/caller/texter]" and they can pull off a geoff from craig ferguson with the scarecrow and nobody, save the true diehards like westmont mike or whoever started this thread, will even notice.
TL;DR = way more than a stupid caricature of myself going down the tired avenue of ir/rational david kaplan hatred/jealousy/his-wife-likes-it-fine; IT'S A WAY OF LIFE! just like the coveted "Father of the Year" award that i'm never gonna let the guy live down cuz comeon man who the fuck cares about this award? you can barely find anything about it....but you can find a list of hte winners and it DOES tell you something about the nature of the award:
Illinois Fatherhood Initiative wrote:
2010 Danny K. Davis • Tony Hunter • Pat Quinn 2009 Steve Cochran • Richard Durbin • Dan Jiggetts Patrick McCaskey 2008 The Honorable Timothy C. Evans • Larry Wert 2007 David A. Hirsch• Bishop
Horace E. Smith, M.D. • Walter E. Smithe, III 2006 Max Brown • Thomas Hayward • Barack Obama
Tony Schumacher 2005 Chris Gardner • Mike Tomczak • Tom Wamberg • Eric Zorn 2004 Brig. General
David Grange • David Kaplan • Ray Vazquez 2003 Gery Chico • John W. Rogers Jr. 2002 Art Velazquez
Bishop Arthur Braizer • Spike O’Dell • Mike Singletary 2001 Marv Dyson • John Stroger 2000 Luis
Nieto •Howard Peters • Ken Walter • George Ryan • Vince Cullers 1999 Mike Adamle • Dave Duerson
Lee Richardson • Greg Sandfort 1998 Jimmy Collins • Alan Krashesky • Paul Vallas • Sheldon Young
1997 Dick Devine • Jim Mullen • Robert Jordan •Steve Zucker • Harold Ramis • Bert Hand 1996 Mark
Giangrecco • Gene Silverberg • Gary Barnett • Gene Siskel • Mike O’Malley 1995 Wayne Messmer
Richard Cusack • Kevin Matthews • Bo Jackson • Tom Hynes 1994 Steve Baskerville • Jim Edgar
Darryl Sutter • Don Gustafson • Lee Stern 1993 Ralph Campagna • Warren Flick • Matt Rodriguez
Kevin Butler • Chet Coppock • 1992 Joseph Meyer • Chuck Goudie • Paul Simon • Richard Melman • Joe
Jemsek Michael Sheahan • Warner Saunders • Jim Covert • Lucien Vincent • Carlton Fisk 1990
Walter Jacobson • Joseph Ahern • Ed Burke • Doug Wilson • Andre Dawson • 1989 Roland W. Burris • Bill
Crowley • Steve Dahl • Niel Ramo • Jim McMahon Floyd Kalber • Billy Willams • Henry Johnson
Doug Collins • Ed Vrdolyak • James Jordan • 1987 Mike Ditka • William Whitney • Alan Dixon • Moses
Moore • Tim Wiegel (Laurence agrees with this one wholeheartedly) • 1986 Neil Hartigan • Bobby Hull (sponsored by Budweiser and Smirnoff) • Michael Maggio • Larry Banks • Walter Payton 1985 Robert Page • Fred Rice • Charles W. Lake • Robert Schickel 1984 Father John Smyth Jesse White • Jerome Gore • Wayne Holsinger • Mike White • Charles “Chick” Evans 1983 John Drury Charles Doc Glass • Jim Finks • Stan Mikita• Richard LeFevour • Sam Karol • Richard Brzeczek
Adlai Stevenson 1982 Jerry Faust • George Clements • Ed Brennen • Fahey Flynn 1981 Jim Thompson
Otto Wetland • John Gray • Keith Magnuson 1980 Richard Daley • Harvey Paul • Edward Baum • Tom
Boerwinkle • Johnny Kerr 1979 Ray Meyer • Bill Berg • Phillip Crane • Bill Kurtis 1978 Irv Kupcinet • Angelo
Arena • Henry Nadler • George Hallas • Wally Phillips 1977 Ron Hunter• Cecil Partee • James O’Connor
Edward Weiss •1976 Richard J. Daley
Horace E. Smith, M.D. • Walter E. Smithe, III 2006 Max Brown • Thomas Hayward • Barack Obama
Tony Schumacher 2005 Chris Gardner • Mike Tomczak • Tom Wamberg • Eric Zorn 2004 Brig. General
David Grange • David Kaplan • Ray Vazquez 2003 Gery Chico • John W. Rogers Jr. 2002 Art Velazquez
Bishop Arthur Braizer • Spike O’Dell • Mike Singletary 2001 Marv Dyson • John Stroger 2000 Luis
Nieto •Howard Peters • Ken Walter • George Ryan • Vince Cullers 1999 Mike Adamle • Dave Duerson
Lee Richardson • Greg Sandfort 1998 Jimmy Collins • Alan Krashesky • Paul Vallas • Sheldon Young
1997 Dick Devine • Jim Mullen • Robert Jordan •Steve Zucker • Harold Ramis • Bert Hand 1996 Mark
Giangrecco • Gene Silverberg • Gary Barnett • Gene Siskel • Mike O’Malley 1995 Wayne Messmer
Richard Cusack • Kevin Matthews • Bo Jackson • Tom Hynes 1994 Steve Baskerville • Jim Edgar
Darryl Sutter • Don Gustafson • Lee Stern 1993 Ralph Campagna • Warren Flick • Matt Rodriguez
Kevin Butler • Chet Coppock • 1992 Joseph Meyer • Chuck Goudie • Paul Simon • Richard Melman • Joe
Jemsek Michael Sheahan • Warner Saunders • Jim Covert • Lucien Vincent • Carlton Fisk 1990
Walter Jacobson • Joseph Ahern • Ed Burke • Doug Wilson • Andre Dawson • 1989 Roland W. Burris • Bill
Crowley • Steve Dahl • Niel Ramo • Jim McMahon Floyd Kalber • Billy Willams • Henry Johnson
Doug Collins • Ed Vrdolyak • James Jordan • 1987 Mike Ditka • William Whitney • Alan Dixon • Moses
Moore • Tim Wiegel (Laurence agrees with this one wholeheartedly) • 1986 Neil Hartigan • Bobby Hull (sponsored by Budweiser and Smirnoff) • Michael Maggio • Larry Banks • Walter Payton 1985 Robert Page • Fred Rice • Charles W. Lake • Robert Schickel 1984 Father John Smyth Jesse White • Jerome Gore • Wayne Holsinger • Mike White • Charles “Chick” Evans 1983 John Drury Charles Doc Glass • Jim Finks • Stan Mikita• Richard LeFevour • Sam Karol • Richard Brzeczek
Adlai Stevenson 1982 Jerry Faust • George Clements • Ed Brennen • Fahey Flynn 1981 Jim Thompson
Otto Wetland • John Gray • Keith Magnuson 1980 Richard Daley • Harvey Paul • Edward Baum • Tom
Boerwinkle • Johnny Kerr 1979 Ray Meyer • Bill Berg • Phillip Crane • Bill Kurtis 1978 Irv Kupcinet • Angelo
Arena • Henry Nadler • George Hallas • Wally Phillips 1977 Ron Hunter• Cecil Partee • James O’Connor
Edward Weiss •1976 Richard J. Daley
ah well, at least a perfunctory search on MY FAVORITE father of the year gives you this...
I AM SINICALYPSE, AND MY DUTY TO SHIT UP DAVID KAPLAN THREADS ON THE CSFMB IS A MISSION FROM GOD. SERIOUSLY HE'S KIDNAPPED MY WIFE AND FAMILY AND MADE ME LIVE OUT THIS LIFE OF BONKERS BULLSHIT IN ORDER TO GET THEM BACK!