denisdman wrote:
Berstine’s Career Obituary:
“1995-2025
Here lies the once glorious career of (((Bernstein))) breaking in with his signature pronunciation of “the Score”. Surviving three signal changes and reaching the pinnacle of Chicago Sports Talk Broadcasting with the legendary Boers and Bernstein show. Not even an ISDN line could slow him down.
He navigated the CTE caused by Penn State child rape and false allegations against Patrick Kane. He studied CTE and its impact on young football and hockey players while protecting his son by allowing him to only play goalie.
Dan fantasized about wildebeests, weather ladies, and boobs in a wholly unnatural way. Telehealth programs not only put coin in his pocket, but soothed these daily anxieties.
He swatted away callers’ tribal love of college sports, and rightly fought for racial justice when folks talked about how they did not like the NBA. He enlisted noted SJW Jason Goff as a patsy in these efforts and ultimately as his fall guy.
Dan stood tall, 5’5”, at RTS in Elk Grove, regaling CFMB fans with tales of Cubs’ broadcasting bonuses and sipping white wine.
He further protected his family even as they might be coming for (((us))). He managed to pick a safe neighborhood insulated from the regular people that might taint his lifestyle.
He ably navigated the shifting station pairings and congratulated management on eliminating risky McNeil talent. He also avoided the shiny new Webio object and the allusive riches of David Hernandez’ mic sniffing.
While he dreamed of Matt A’s pussy acquisition, he resisted the temptations of the flesh.
He stroked the ego of rising star and former intramural stud Lawrence Holmes. He deftly cast him aside by attacking nice guy Eddie. It was a two for one win that only a man with vast talents could accomplish. As a reward, he received a more vanilla and docile brother. And to season it up, he gets Middle Eastern spice added to the mix a few times per week.
He never had to run a hot dog stand. He never had to fight in the hallway. He never got choked out by Buffone or Kreutz. He did not go through multiple divorces. He did not slum it at Ball State. He is truly a radio legend.
And here we are at the end. (Queue the parody song “Messenger gonna Throttle” based off “Message in a Bottle”). His ego was bruised on X when he showed off his abortion rights bonafides on a bloody Northern Pike. Dr. Bernstein was simply trying to thin out the predator fish population. But he could not resist engaging in a spat with a Trump acolyte. Camp One Step out the door ensued.
After three decades of winning, he finally succumbed to a combination of TDS, Barstoolies, social media, and violations of good sportsmanship. We salute Friday Fung, Tournament of Bad, Who Ya Crappin’ and all the fun times you gave us.
This career in death will become more powerful than anyone could imagine. We await the sequel, the Return of the Jew.”
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