Chicago Fanatics Message Board
https://mail.chicagofanatics.com/

1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
https://mail.chicagofanatics.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=91852		 Page 1 of 4
Author:  Smarmystein [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:46 pm ]
Post subject:  1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!

How To Watch Super Bowl XLIX

By Dan Bernstein

CBS Chicago Senior Columnist

The following is my updated, annual viewing guide, since everything still applies, perhaps more so than ever.

A year removed from the experience, we tend to forget that consuming the Super Bowl can be a chore if not handled correctly.

I remember, however, and I am going to make your life easier. Lucky you.

No other sports day is so demanding of the TV viewer. Not the start of the NCAA tournament, which pops you around the country in whiz-bang fashion, cramming your head with action, results and content, and certainly not any other major sport’s title games, which diffuse intensity and significance over the course of a seven-game series.

America’s largest secular holiday brings a level of size and weight to your wall-mounted plasma that requires strategy. The HUGENESS of EVERYTHING going on is something the viewer has to bear, too, and it gets tiring, particularly for a fan with no real rooting interest.

We are reminded at every turn how incredibly important every occurrence is, whether it’s the “crucial” first-quarter 3rd-and-3 or the zillion-dollar, thirty-second spot trying to sell you a car you’re not going to buy because you already forgot which one it was because the ad was so bizarre.

Here are some tips for you, if you are trying to care about the game:



Watch at home, and keep people out of your house. People are stupid and annoying, and some of them look weird and smell bad. They ask dumb questions, make inane comments, and have misguided opinions that they spout unsolicited, in artless, insipid fashion. They drip globs of guacamole on your carpet and use the wrong wine glasses.

Know the exact, published kickoff time (5:30 CST) and do not turn on your television until then. All pregame is useless, unless your goal is to become bored, impatient and angry. Or if you think you care about any of the players’ various rehabilitations, recoveries or “redemptions” from their addictions, injuries, self-made family dramas, or multiple felonies.

If you cannot keep the TV from going on wherever you are, stay in the coat closet until kickoff. If anybody knocks on the door and asks what’s wrong, ignore them. Unless you have been in there for a while and are hungry, in which case you can then ask politely for them to bring you a few of those fried mac-and-cheese bites.

Enjoy the commercials, but keep in mind that they will soon be in mind-numbingly heavy rotation for the remainder of the winter on pretty much everything that you watch. Even the clever ones will recede into the din by spring, and it will seem like the witless ones get the most play. You’d better like bizarre celebrity juxtapositions, anthropomorphism, and improperly-calibrated comic violence. The snack chips, beverages and tacos will still be exactly what they were before they were pitched to you by some combination of Matthew McConaughey, Samuel L. Jackson and somebody from Modern Family, probably with another awful, droning song by Cage the Elephant or The National.

Don’t bet on anything, since you’re probably going to lose. Give that money to a charity, instead. Try this one, for example, for kids with cancer and leukemia:www.onestepcamp.org.

Keep your expectations low for the quality of any musical performances. The national anthem will be sung by Idina Menzel, whose name was famously mispronounced as “Adele Dazeem” by a bewildered John Travolta at last year’s Oscars. Interestingly, Menzel’s name is actually Mentzel, and why that letter had to be removed will remain one of life’s unsolvable mysteries. Katy Perry lip-synchs at halftime, perhaps continuing her feud with Taylor Swift over something none of us cares about.

Realize that there is a second half coming. It’s easy to think you can turn it off after the music, since it’s, like, 8:30 already.

Don’t eat too much or drink too much. A one-pound bowl of chili or three garlic brats early on in the game will make you logy and distracted, so control yourself, fatty. Nosh a little, sip a little, but stay sharp. You don’t want to have to re-watch anything.

When the clock hits all zeroes, turn the TV off. If anything noteworthy happens, you can YouTube it tomorrow. Don’t worry — you won’t be the guy at the office on the outside of the latest cultural meme that evaporates by the end of the workday, and ends up in a late-night monologue after it has ceased to be funny.

Print this out and save it. Or wait until next year when I tidy it up lazily and run it again. Enjoy.

Happy Football.
Author:  SomeGuy [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Awful. But we knew that. He's been "writing" this crap for years...it started even before the show hit rock bottom....there were clues in his text, signals in his words.

If only the rabble had listened.
Author:  denisdman [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:50 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Anthropomorphism, or personification, is attribution of human form or other characteristics to anything other than a human being. Examples include depicting deities with human form, creating fictional non-human animal characters with human physical traits, and ascribing human emotions or motives to forces of nature, such as hurricanes or earthquakes.
Author:  Kirkwood [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Quote:
Don’t bet on anything, since you’re probably going to lose. Give that money to a charity, instead. Try this one, for example, for kids with cancer and leukemia: www.onestepcamp.org.

Such a spaz :lol:
Author:  Dave In Champaign [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Quote:
They drip globs of guacamole on your carpet and use the wrong wine glasses.


So Dan's Super Bowl menu is tortilla chips and riesling?
Author:  IkeSouth [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 1:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Dan Bernstein's 5 Steps to Make Your Superbowl The Bestest Ever

Step 1: Hate everything and everyone
Step 2: Hide in basement until everyone goes away
Step 3: Call Terry Boers and giggle with him about how stupid everyone else is in the world
Step 4: Spend 40 min on Google trying to figure out how to delete a virus thats not a virus its just adware but call it a virus so people don't think you're a nerd
Step 5: Don't forget to put pants on before you come up stairs
Author:  Smarmystein [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
AAhhhh yes..NOTHING better than Dan laughing at his own thoughts of what is funny...him..and him alone. :roll:
Author:  Smarmystein [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
This just in...SMILES get u closer to a championship!
Author:  Curious Hair [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Sounds like Dan Reinsdorf is priming the pump for Thibodeau to get fired.
Author:  Kirkwood [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Dave In Champaign wrote:
Quote:
They drip globs of guacamole on your carpet and use the wrong wine glasses.


So Dan's Super Bowl menu is tortilla chips and riesling?

Negative.

Tortilla chips and a glass of drum #22
Author:  Curious Hair [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
"So next year would be Super Bowl XLX, right?" No! It'd be Super Bowl L!

EDIT: and now John Feinstein tops THAT
Author:  Hatchetman [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
alas I am OUT on WSCR for the unforeseeable future since my new Balckberry has corporate netnanny on it.
Author:  pittmike [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Fine with Beckham but you couldn't get a bag of balls for Viciendo?
Author:  redskingreg [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:41 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Dave In Champaign wrote:
Quote:
They drip globs of guacamole on your carpet and use the wrong wine glasses.


So Dan's Super Bowl menu is tortilla chips and riesling?


I'll be drinking Surly Abrasive from my snifter, while consuming globs of ground beef without spilling a god damn drop. Sorry your gathering sucks, Dan.
Author:  badrogue17 [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
You're entitled to feel uncomfortable at work?
Author:  Scorehead [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
It's a shame that some people never figure out how to enjoy life.
Author:  bigfan [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Nothing going on here...but let me tell you what one of my NBA guys said to me today!

Image
Author:  Curious Hair [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Curious Hair wrote:
Sounds like Dan Reinsdorf is priming the pump for Thibodeau to get fired.

Now he's just flat-out pumping. Stupid populists!
Author:  badrogue17 [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Poor Bulls players . Thibs is such an ogre. They can't enjoy themselves at practice. I'll bet he took the Keurig away and suspended mail delivery too.
Author:  pittmike [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
badrogue17 wrote:
Poor Bulls players . Thibs is such an ogre. They can't enjoy themselves at practice. :lol: I'll bet he took the Keurig away and suspended mail delivery too.


:lol: Nicely done.
Author:  Curious Hair [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:02 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Who would Dan rather have coaching the Bulls? NAME. NAMES. Because the last time Bulls management exercised their right to move on from a red-ass Point B coach -- and they have that right, THEY HAVE THAT RIGHT -- they hired Vinny Del Negro.
Author:  ontherealnnow [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
badrogue17 wrote:
You're entitled to feel uncomfortable at work?


70% of People hate their job apparently

http://www.gallup.com/strategicconsulting/163007/state-american-workplace.aspx
Author:  billypootons [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Curious Hair wrote:
Who would Dan rather have coaching the Bulls? NAME. NAMES. Because the last time Bulls management exercised their right to move on from a red-ass Point B coach -- and they have that right, THEY HAVE THAT RIGHT -- they hired Vinny Del Negro.


what has it been 4 or 5 years of thibs? Why cant the best coach ever figure out that you cant run these guys in to the ground winning meaningless regular season games?

Why the hell is pau gasol playing 35 minutes a game right now? and butler at an obscene 40 min a game? How many years in a row does the team need to die from exhaustion in the playoffs before this guy gets it? my guess is he never gets it. for someone who eats sleeps and drinks basketball 24/7.... what is so hard to comprehend that the regular season really doesnt matter and you need to save these guys for the playoffs???? Every year he's been here the same damn thing... the core of this team is 3-4 years older than they were in 2010/2011. it's frustrating as a casual bulls fan that this supposed genius x/o's coach seemingly doesnt get it
Author:  Hatchetman [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
how many players that have left the Bulls criticized Thibs?
Author:  ontherealnnow [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:17 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Hatchetman wrote:
how many players that have left the Bulls criticized Thibs?


Hamilton
Author:  Hatchetman [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:18 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
ontherealnnow wrote:
Hamilton


:lol:

Exactly.
Author:  ontherealnnow [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
Has anyone else grown tired of Derrick Rose?
Author:  conns7901 [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
I love the praise of the Atlanta Hawks and their coach. If that team was in Chicago we would hear over and over how the egular season does not matter.
Author:  denisdman [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:28 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
I agree he rides them too hard in the regular season. But his genius is in being able to get often disinterested NBA players to put out a strong effort every night. Look at how many teams just sleep walk, and how many players don't give an honest effort. Also, the Bulls have had several journeymen on the roster that have earning big contracts elsewhere because they improved so much with the Bulls.

Your chance of finding a coach equal to or better than Thibs is probably less than 10%.
Author:  denisdman [ Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: 1/28 Lord...let Dan lead the way! Amen!
ontherealnnow wrote:
Has anyone else grown tired of Derrick Rose?


He could have owned this town, but he just doesn't have a personality that endears himself to fans. He's got some great stuff in his game, but yes, I have grown tired of him generally.
Page 1 of 4 All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ]
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group
https://www.phpbb.com/