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NBC Chicago
Published July 27, 2019 16:43
By Matt Ecafasez
Staff Writer
Struggling Cubs relief pitcher Pedro Strop was designated for euthanasia today according to Cubs sources. Strop, who has the unique achievement of winning his second to last game despite blowing the save and actually lowering his ERA in his last start despite allowing several runs that cost the team a late game lead.
"We tried changing arm angles, discussions, healing crystals, meditation, and a sports psychologist, and we have had no measurable positive results" Cubs Manager Joe Maddon told reporters before Saturday's game against the Milwaukee Brewers, "and after a discussion with (GM Jed) Hoyer and Theo (Epstein) we determined that euthanasia was the best thing for Pedro and for the Cubs".
Epstein met with reporters immediately after Maddon left to fill out a lineup card with a Burnt Sienna colored crayon and told reporters that they first pursued a trade. "Yeah, we initially attempted to find a trade partner, I mean I thought that maybe a change of scenery would be good for Pedro, but the best offer we got for him was a 20lb bag of Milorganite. I mean, everyone knows Milwaukee is completely full of shit already and now they're just trying to give it away, and we didn't think Pedro would appreciate a trade for such a common commodity. After discussions with his agent and his family, we all decided that a lethal injection would be the most peaceful and respectful way to end his time with the Chicago Cubs."
"We will miss Pedro and we will cherish the time he had with the Cubs" commented Chairman Tom Ricketts "but this shit needs to end and needs to end right fucking now. I just can't stand watching his dumbass point to the sky after fucking up another lead. I mean for fucks sake, road leads don't grow on trees and he's giving them away like welfare checks."
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