Huffington Pot-
Chicago, fibland

In a mediocre twist of events, Dick Rose was pronounced dead on Monday evening, cause of death unknown. His mother and family were contacted just minutes after the discovery, in hopes to shock the initial reaction of his death in their memories forever as best as they could. The Bulls organization had no comment on the incident, stating that Rose would return as soon as he felt like it. This was the first time the Bulls have hinted that Rose WAS is in fact, Jesus, and it has caused a flood of rumors to spread across the country.

His body was found in a ditch near Highway 80, stripped of all his clothes and a #23 burned into his forehead with what apparently was done with a high powered laser, like the kind used to blind helicopter pilots. A man from a local grocery store found the body, claiming the first thing he thought was "this isn't Micheal Jordan". He was right. An autopsy revealed, through dental records, it indeed was Deedrick Rose; this clearly wasn't an MVP day for him.

Investigators searched up and down the highway but found no evidence or traces of the suspect. Further questioning of the family exposed many truths about Deerlicks life, however only personal issues; nothing that would pertain to the suspect. There was only one clue, and it was that #23. Investigators could only determine that Rose has had overexposure to hyper activity, and he simply could not handle all of the stress of making millions of dollars while working so hard to return to playing a game. The FBI has been called in to investigate the local law enforcement's involvement with the case. Stated five times really quickly, they claimed the local police sexually molested Deadlucks body before they took crime scene photos. The evidence was found by a 7 year old Scandinavian woman browsing Google Earth.

Many questions still remain, but it is certain the elephant in the room is Jesus's return to basketball. The first time he came back took so long that it hasn't even happened yet, while at the same time Dicklick could come back against the Heat like a man. The future is certainly uncertain, but one thing is for sure, Derrick Rose will become a gigantic pussy the very moment the Heat game ends without him playing even a second. He will be exposed as a scared little bitch that will never win anything. He will be a great butt role player.

This is Jim Rome for CBS, NBC, SHOWTIME, HBO, NETFLIX, AND WHOEVER THE FUCK WANTS A PLUG BECAUSE I HAVE PLENTY IN MY ASS

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"Only God knows".