Alsip Barbie
This version has it all; tattoo of a snake on her upper thigh, every eye shadow shade Maybelline has ever made, a can of AquaNet, and two sets of keys for her double-wide. Optional accessories: Sidewalks and a pick up. Bumper sticker that says "My kid can beat up your honors student" sold separately.

Peoria Barbie
This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light, and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Ken's ass when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Berwyn Barbie
Big sprayed black hair with overdone makeup and housecoat, cooks up a batch of mean meatballs and lasagna. Comes with plastic covered sofas and a fridge in the basement for company.

Beverly Barbie
This talking Barbie says: "Did you know I am Irish? Irish rules!" and sings the South Side Irish song. Comes with a bottle of lite beer and U of I t-shirt. Also includes an assortment of "Kiss Me, I'm Irish" buttons and green accessories for the South Side parade. Boyfriend Ken wearing a Notre Dame hat, sister Skipper wearing McAuley uniform, and cousin Joe in his Crusaders sweatshirt sold separately.

Bridgeport Barbie
This Barbie also talks and all of her sentences include an assortment of "d's" and "doe's." She owns her own bungalow and comes with season tickets to the White Sox.

Chicago Ridge Barbie
Comes complete with a uniform from Our Lady of the Ridge and four monogrammed bowling shirts. Talking version brags of having the best handicap on the south side and of being able to drink Ken under the table. Accessories include a mitt for 16-inch league games, six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, a pack of Marlboro Lights, and an IROC Camaro with T-tops on crates in the front yard.

Cicero Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows and, my favorite, Meth Lab Ken. Talking version also speaks Spanish and includes two sons: Cesar, star of his high school soccer team; and Jose, wanted in four states.

Highland Park Barbie
This trendy homemaker Barbie is a vailable with the Lexus or BMW SUV or a suped up Hummer H2, gets lost easily, and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional: matching gym outfit.

Humboldt Park Barbie
This bee-tch of a Barbie comes with a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, miniskirt and tons of makeup.

Lake Forest/Kenilworth/North Shore Barbie:
This True Blonde shops exclusively in town. She drives a Land Rover (sold separately). She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny, Tagalog to speak to the cook, and Polish for the house painter and housekeeper respectively. Her family owns a winery in Napa , but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader Joe's. Hence the need for the rear-loading Land Rover.

Lincoln Park Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with knee-high black boots, a Louis Vuitton handbag, choice of a BMW sports car or new Convertible Beetle, Starbucks cup, credit card, a faux crocodile pill case filled with an assortment o f the latest therapist-prescribed mood elevators, and shallow Ken. A list of all of the "in" fundraising events sold separately .

Northbrook Barbie
Her authentic Coach bag is always filled with plenty of cash from daddy's bank. She and her friends from high school, including Hazelle, come complete with animal intestines, paint cans, fecal matter, kegs of beer and a video camera. Lawyer's fees are extra.

Oak Brook Barbie
Authentic Kate Spade wallet includes credit cards from Fields, Nordstrom's and Sax, and a photo of the family dog, Rex. Comes with monogrammed towel set for her mornings at the bath and tennis club, and riding pony (with real hair) for her afternoons at the polo grounds. Kitchen set provided by Crate and Barrel. Backyard runway for her private jet sold separately.

Oak Lawn Barbie
This version has relocated from the city and comes with her very own street sign to post in the back yard, and a basketball hoop to hang from the garage roof. Doctor's fees to pay for counseling when E.J. Korvette's, Shopper's World and Zayre's closed, are extra.

Orland Park Barbie
This is a grown-up version of Barbie with three kids, all of whom got straight A's in school, 36's on the ACT, and college scholarships because they were the best on the team. Includes blowhard husband Ken, who is seen and heard at every little league game; daughter Midge, head cheerleader; and son Ken, Jr., the captain of the football team. The standard version comes with a Ford Windstar, a bi-level in Brook Hills and an assortment of Coach and Kate Spade knockoffs bought at a house party.The talking version says "Not MY kid. He wouldn't do that," and "Really? My cleaning lady won't do laundry!" The deluxe version comes with faux fur and a home in Crystal Tree that will never be paid off in their life time.

South Side Barbie
Goes by the name of Barbeequa and for one low price, includes all of her sistahs: Midgeequa, Jauneequa, Sha neequa, Taneequa,and Lulu; and all of her brothers, Leroy, Willie (gold toof extra), Tyrone, George, George, and George. They all live together in her two-room ghetto apartment, furnished with the latest in leather and zebra prints. Bling-bling sold separately.

Uptown Barbie
This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair, arch-less feet, Berkenstocks, no makeup and a mutt. Or a boy haircut, brown-highlighted hair, Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt and cargos, combat boots and a pitbull.

Willow Springs Barbie:
Has a complete wardrobe for her weekends of ballroom, two-step and line dancing. Boyfriend Ken comes complete with a beautiful brown UPS uniform (shorts are extra) and a bicycle to get to work (delivery truck sold separately).

Wrigleyville Barbie
Cubs hat and tank top, bleacher tan, Kosher hot dog and overpriced Old Style in hand. Optional accessories: a wooden porch that can accommodate up to 24 of Barbie's best friends. Keg not included.

_________________
@audioidkid

_________________
"Do work, son" -Big Black

Where is the northwest suburbs barbie? Schaumburg area.

_________________

Well done, sir.

_________________
Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

muy bien, mi amigo, pero que es tagalog?
Lake Forest/Kenilworth/North Shore Barbie:
This True Blonde shops exclusively in town. She drives a Land Rover (sold separately). She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your house and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny, Tagalog to speak to the cook, and Polish for the house painter and housekeeper respectively. Her family owns a winery in Napa , but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader Joe's. Hence the need for the rear-loading Land Rover.
(tagalog?)

Not funny.

_________________
Homer: "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: I believe you, Dad.

Nice work Doug, you can damn well bet I appreciated the Orland Park one, especially with the Crystal Tree line. Touch 'em all.

_________________
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Extremely funny

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nati ... &cset=true


Bright futures were awaiting those who died
Job promotion, weddings for 2 were on horizon

By Mindy Hagen
Tribune staff reporter
Published July 1, 2003


A 13th person died Monday and six victims remained hospitalized from the weekend porch collapse as families finalized funeral plans.

The 13th victim, Kelly Pagel, died Monday in Illinois Masonic Medical Center, where five others remained hospitalized.


Pagel, who grew up in Minnetonka, Minn., worked as a consultant and had been accepted to attend graduate school at Northwestern University.

A more complete picture emerged Monday of the lives of three victims--John T. Jackson, Eric Kumpf and Katherine Sheriff. They were excited about a new job, an upcoming marriage and a recent promotion, friends and family said.

Jackson, 22, was the son of a Kansas City pediatrician. He graduated from Georgetown University with a business degree in May and had worked one week for the Chicago real estate firm Draper and Kramer, friend Debbie McCurnin said.

Until his apartment was ready, Jackson was staying with his sister, Lindsey, and attended Saturday night's party with her. Lindsey suffered a broken leg in the accident, McCurnin said.

"He was a very outgoing and hardworking kid," McCurnin said. "He wanted to live in Chicago and he wanted the job he landed so badly. His family had a lot of influence, but John wasn't spoiled. He was just a happy kid who worked hard."

Services are pending as the family contacts another sister, Lisa, who is doing research at a remote site in Honduras.

Kumpf, 30, was in Chicago on a business trip for Barclays Capital of New York, an investment banking firm. The son of a New Jersey Superior Court judge, he was to be married on Sept. 27, a family member said. Services will be Saturday in New Jersey.

Sheriff graduated from Duke University, and moving to Chicago was a homecoming of sorts. The prospect of being close to her father's family in Milwaukee and the ability to spend time with a group of close friends from Duke gave Chicago a special appeal, said her stepmother, Lauren Sheriff.

"She loved Chicago because it gave her the best of both worlds," Lauren Sheriff said. "She was just a beautiful, happy girl who was always smiling."

Sheriff, 23, majored in political science and was a member of Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority. Her stepmother said she enjoyed shopping, especially on Michigan Avenue. She recently was promoted to be a director of marketing position at a large Chicago company after working there only a year.

She will be buried Thursday in Erie, Pa.

Services for Julie Sorkin, 25, will be held at 1 p.m. Tuesday in Temple Jeremiah, 937 N. Happ Rd., in Northfield.

Sorkin, of Glenview, was engaged to be married in December. She had just finished her master's degree in social work at the University of Chicago and had been hired by the Special Education District of Lake County.

Services will be held Wednesday for:

- Kelly McKinnell, 26, at 11 a.m., St. Mark's Episcopal Church, 337 Ridge Rd., Barrington.

- Shea Fitzgerald, 19, at 1 p.m., Sts. Faith Hope & Charity Catholic Church, 191 Linden St., Winnetka.

- Margaret Haynie, 25, at 1:30 p.m., the Neu Chapel on the campus of University of Evansville in Evansville, Ind.

- Robert Koranda, 23, at 6 p.m. in the Naperville North High School auditorium, 899 N. Mill St., after visitation that begins at 3 p.m.

Services will be held Thursday for:

- Sam Farmer, 21, at 11 a.m., Christ Church on the Hill, 784 Sheridan Rd., Winnetka.

- Eileen Lupton, 22, at 5 p.m., St. Mary's Church, 175 E. Illinois Rd., Lake Forest.

- Henry Wischerath, 24, at 10 a.m., St. Rose of Lima Church in Buffalo, N.Y.

The Cook County medical examiner's office had no information about services for Muhammed Hameeduddin, 25.


Copyright © 2006, Chicago Tribune

I hope you didn't piss your pants laughing so hard.

_________________
Homer: "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: I believe you, Dad.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/US/Midwest/06/29/deck.collapse/


Porch collapse kills 12 at Chicago party


CHICAGO, Illinois (CNN) -- Two wooden porches laden with college students collapsed during a party early Sunday, killing 12 people and injuring 57 others when they plunged into an alley, officials said.

As many as 50 people, mostly college-age partygoers, were crowded onto the second- and third-story porches of an apartment building when the top porch collapsed into the second and they both fell to the ground at around 12:30 a.m. (1:30 a.m. EDT), officials said.

Chicago Fire Commissioner James Joyce said it was "a case of too many people in a small space."

"It is a tragic case of overloading the back porches," Joyce said. The commissioner expressed concern that more porches could be overloaded Sunday as the Gay Pride parade is held in the city. He urged people to "use common sense."

Heather Gillis was watching the party from a porch in an adjacent house when the collapse occurred.

"It wasn't like a delay or anything. It just went straight down," she said.

Fina Cannon, a young woman attending the party, told The Associated Press most of the guests were in their early 20s and many had graduated from New Trier High School in one of Chicago's northern suburbs. She said she was in the back kitchen and saw the collapse.

"All of a sudden I saw all these heads going down," Cannon said. "The floor just dropped out from underneath them. They all went down in unison."

Other witnesses told CNN that guests at the party gathered onto porches on three floors. As the top porch floor gave way, the flooring "pancaked" people onto the lower porches, one witness said.

"Total confusion. Total mayhem," said James Johnson, a neighbor who saw the porch collapse. "People in just total shock, not knowing what to do."

Chicago Emergency Management Director Cortez Trotter said the decking appeared to be "fairly new" but not strong enough to support the load of people. The rails of the wooden porch appeared to be intact, although the flooring was collapsed.

"We have not yet determined the number of people occupying the third floor porch, but clearly the construction could not maintain the load," Trotter said.

About 100 rescue workers responded to the call to the apartment building 2 miles south of Wrigley Field and a few blocks away from DePaul University.

Officials dispatched patients to several area hospitals to ensure that no one hospital was overloaded. Those most seriously hurt were taken to two level-one trauma centers -- five to Northwestern Memorial Hospital and 23 to Advocate Illinois Masonic Hospital.


A rescue worker evacuates a victim.
Chicago Office of Emergency Management spokesman Larry Langford said 11 people died at the scene; a hospital spokeswoman said a 12th person died at a hospital.

One woman arrived at Masonic without a pulse but was resuscitated and was in critical condition, said Dr. John Kirby. He appealed for help in identifying the 125-pound, 5-foot-5-inch woman in her 20s with sandy brown, shoulder-length hair, hazel eyes who was wearing dark jeans, an orange tank top and flats.

Four other patients were in serious but stable condition, Kirby said. Of the 18 remaining patients treated at the hospital, a handful were discharged. Of those who remained, "their injuries aren't as severe as the trauma patients'," he said.

Injuries "reflected what you would expect from someone that fell three stories," he said, citing bruises, multiple abrasions, contusions and fractures as the most common.

A number of the patients drove themselves or took taxis to the hospital, said Masonic's Dr. Sharolyn Medina. "I think all of them feel very lucky to be alive," she said.

Two men and three women, all of them in their 20s, were taken to Northwestern, a spokeswoman said. Three were treated and released and one was undergoing scans and tests. Another patient was admitted and was in fair condition, she said.

A number of other patients, all of them with minor injuries, were taken to Saint Joseph's Hospital in Lincoln Park, Saint Francis Hospital of Evanston, Saint Elizabeth's Hospital on Chicago's west side and Weiss Memorial Hospital on Chicago's north side.

Grief counselors from the city of Chicago were on hand for relatives, said Langford.

Chicagoans warned not to overload porches
City of Chicago Building Commissioner Norma Reyes said the building's owner, contacted in Canada, has hired a structural engineer to determine the cause of the failure. "We are currently conducting a thorough investigation into the history of this building as well as the cause of this terrible tragedy," she said.

The commissioner added that she warned Chicagoans last month in a news release "to be careful and watch how many people you have on the porches."

She appealed to residents to scrutinize their porches. "If anyone is out there, and you see a porch and you think that porch may be dangerous, please call 311," she said, giving the number for non-emergency city services.

Terry Hillard, superintendent of the Chicago Police Department, said the building site is being treated as a crime scene.

Detectives will interview survivors "so we can get a sense of what occurred last night, and what went wrong," Hillard said. "Thus far, there is no evidence of any criminal activity whatsoever."

CNN Chicago Bureau Chief Jeff Flock contributed to this story.

_________________
Homer: "Asleep at the switch"? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: I believe you, Dad.