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FOUND! Transcript of Crystal Lake Hoffy Press Conference
Good evening. This is the 4419th time I have posted to you from this message board, where so many posts have been made that shaped the history of internet. Each time I have done so to discuss with you some matter that I believe affected the direction of the board.
In all the decisions I have made in my internet life, I have always tried to do what was best for the board.
Throughout the long and difficult period of Passwordgate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the post to which you viewed.
In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough douchebag base on the message board to justify continuing that effort. As long as there was such a base, I felt strongly that it was necessary to see the posting process through to its conclusion, that to do otherwise would be unfaithful to the spirit of that deliberately difficult process and a dangerously destabilizing precedent for the future.
But with the disappearance of that base, I now believe that the momentumal purpose has been served, and there is no longer a need for the process to be prolonged.
I would have preferred to carry through to the finish whatever the personal agony it would have involved, and my family unanimously urged me to do so. But the interest of the message board must always come before any personal considerations.
From the discussions I have had with Big Fan and other leaders, I have concluded that because of the Passwordgate matter I might not have the support of Big Fan that I would consider necessary to back the very difficult decisions and carry out the duties of this post in the way the interests of the board would require.
I have never been a quitter. To leave the message board before my life is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as Crystal Lake Hoffy, I must put the interest of CSFMB first. CSFMB needs a full-time douchebag and a full-time peanut gallery, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and on the board.
To continue to fight through the months ahead for my personal vindication would almost totally absorb the time and attention of both the douchebags and the peanut gallery in a period when our entire focus should be on the great issues of Blackhawks playoff aspirations and prosperity without winning record for the last decade.
Therefore, I shall resign the moniker Crystal Lake Hoffy effective at noon tomorrow. Gremmie Out Of Control will be sworn in as my new moniker at that hour on this message board.
As I recall the high hopes for CSFMB with which we began this second moniker, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here on the board working on your behalf to achieve those hopes in the next 2 1/2 years. But in turning over direction of my moniker to Gremmie Out Of Control, I know, as I told the board when I nominated that to be my new name 10 minutes ago, that the douchebaggery of CSFMB will be in good hands.
In passing this name to Gremmie Out Of Control, I also do so with the profound sense of the weight of responsibility that will fall on my shoulders tomorrow and, therefore, of the understanding, the patience, the cooperation he will need from all CSFMBer's.
As Gremmie Out Of Control assumes that responsibility, I will deserve the help and the support of all of us. As we look to the future, the first essential is to begin healing the wounds of this message board, to put the bitterness and divisions of the recent past behind us, and to rediscover those shared ideals that lie at the heart of our strength and unity as a great and as a free website.
By taking this action, I hope that I will have hastened the start of that process of healing which is so desperately needed on the Chicago Sports Fan Message Board.
I regret deeply any injuries that may have been done in the course of the events that led to this decision. I would say only that if some of my judgments were wrong, and some were wrong, they were made in what I believed at the time to be the best interest of the message board.
To those who have stood with me during these past difficult months, to my family, my friends, to many others who joined in supporting my douchebaggery because they believed it was right, I will be eternally grateful for your support.
And to those who have not felt able to give me your support, let me say I leave with no bitterness toward those who have opposed me, because all of us, in the final analysis, have been concerned with the good of the message board, however our judgments might differ. See: No Goal!
So, let us all now join together in affirming that common commitment and in helping my new moniker succeed for the benefit of all CSFMBer's.
I shall leave Crystal Lake Hoffy with regret at not completing my posting, but with gratitude for the privilege of serving as your doucebag for the past 1 1/2 years. These years have been a momentous time in the history of our message board and the internet. They have been a time of achievement in which we can all be proud, achievements that represent the shared efforts of Big Fan, the various ALS's, and the noobs.
But the challenges ahead are equally great, and they, too, will require the support and the efforts of the mults and the people working in cooperation with Big Fan.
We have ended CSFMB's longest war, but in the work of securing a lasting peace in the internet, the goals ahead are even more far-reaching and more difficult. We must complete a structure of peace so that it will be said of this generation, our generation of CSFMBer's, by the people of all internets, not only that we ended one flame war but that we prevented future flame wars.
We have unlocked the doors that for a quarter of a century stood between the United States and the People's Republic of Korea.
We must now ensure that the one quarter of the world's people who live in the People's Republic of Korea will be and remain not our enemies but our friends.
In the Middle West, 100's people in the collar counties, many of whom have considered us their enemy for nearly 200 years, now look on us as their friends. We must continue to build on that friendship so that peace can settle at last over the Middle West and so that the cradle of Ditka will not become its grave.
Together with the Red Wing fans we have made the crucial breakthroughs that have begun the process of the Blackhawks making the playoffs. But we must set as our goal not just limiting but reducing and finally destroying these terrible Red Wings so that they cannot destroy civilization and so that the threat of Red Wing fans will no longer hang over the league and the division.
We have opened the new relation with the Red Wings. We must continue to develop and expand that new relationship so that the two strongest hockey teams of the NHL will live together in the playoffs rather than watch the Red Wings raise the Cup.
Around the League, in Campbell, in Wales, in the Southeast Division, in the Middle West, there are millions of people who live in terrible hockey markets, even turning to the AHL for hockey. We must keep as our goal turning away from production for minor league hockey and expanding production for NHL so that people everywhere on this earth can at last look forward in their children's time, if not in our own time, to having the necessities for a decent hockey team.
Here in the CSFMB, we are fortunate that most of our people have not only the blessings of liberty but also the means to live full and good and, by the internet's standards, neat lives. We must press on, however, toward a goal of not only more and better posts but of full opportunity for every poster and of what we are striving so hard right now to achieve, prosperity without douchebaggery.
For more than a quarter of a decade on the board I have shared in the turbulent history of this era. I have fought for what I believed in. I have tried to the best of my ability to discharge those duties and meet those responsibilities that were entrusted to me.
Sometimes I have succeeded and sometimes I have failed, but always I have taken heart from what Tall Midget once said about the man in the arena, "whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again because there is not effort without error and shortcoming, but who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumphs of high achievements and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring neatly."
I pledge to you tonight that as long as I have a breath of life in my body, I shall continue in that spirit. I shall continue to work for the great causes to which I have been dedicated throughout my years as a friend, a father, a best man, and husband, the cause of douchebaggery not just for CSFMB but among all the internets, prosperity, justice, and opportunity for all of our posters.
There is one cause above all to which I have been devoted and to which I shall always be devoted for as long as I post.
When I first took the confimation email as Crystal Lake Hoffy 1 1/2 years ago, I made this sacred commitment, to "consecrate my posting, my enemies, and all the wisdom I can summon to the cause of neatness among the CSFMB."
I have done my very best in all the days since to be true to that pledge. As a result of these efforts, I am confident that the board is a neater place today, not only for the people of the board but for the people of all the internets, and that all of our mults have a better chance than before of living in neatness rather than dying in flame war.
This, more than anything, is what I hoped to achieve when I sought to be Crytal Lake Hoffy. This, more than anything, is what I hope will be my legacy to you, to our message board, as I leave the moniker Crystal Lake Hoffy.
To have posted on the board is to have felt a very personal sense of kinship with each and every CSFMBer. In leaving it as Crystal Lake Hoffy, I do so with this prayer: May Mike Modano's grace be with you in all the days ahead.
_________________ CSFMB: Home of the small minded Beardown wrote: I'm declaring a victory without research.
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christ Don, even Nixon is rolling over in his grave.
