Just stumbled upon this gloriously easy and delicious recipe.

1. Get a big ass back of dried (not canned, never ever fucking canned) black beans.
2. Scoop out a cup and toss them in a strainer and rinse them shits off for a bit.
3. Dust your slow cooker, put that fucker on the counter and pour those goddamn beans in there.
4. Pour in 8 cups of water (I tried this with beer, but water works better in my opinion).
5. Toss in 1 chopped white or yellow onion, 3-infinity cloves of minced garlic, a couple of chopped chilies (choose whatever heat you are comfortable with) a heaping tablespoon of cumin and salt, 2 teaspoons of oregano (add some coriander, cayenne pepper and chili powder if you feel like it, I don't give a shit) and lastly, mix in a couple of tablespoons of tomato paste.
6. Set it on high and walk the fuck away.
7. Come back 3-6 hours later and spoon it over eggs, toasted bread, a penny loafer, etc.

An additional note:

If you remove the beans from the cooking liquid and mash them up a bit you can make some excellent vegetarian tacos. Just cut up some red cabbage, green onion, cilantro and toss it in a bowl with some olive oil and either lime juice or red/white wine vinegar.

Get some flour or corn tortillas and spoon out some of the mashed beans on to the tortillas. Fold them over after a minute and brown on both sides. Spoon out some of the cabbage and put some feta or queso fresco. Eat it motherfucker.

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Sounds like a recipe written by that dipshit Burneko on Deadspin.

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Does he also write his recipes after a bottle of wine?

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Probably

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Just cook the goddamn beans and enjoy yourself.

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I make a lot of stuff from scratch, but I will use canned black beans when the quantity needed is small or time is an issue, and only if they are being heated again to get rid of the metallic taste. Having said that, if you like Chipotle's black beans, here is a reasonable approximation of them:

2 cans black beans, 1 drained and 1 undrained
1 tsp. chili powder
1/2 tsp. cumin
1/8 tsp. allspice
1 garlic clove, crushed
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. sugar
Cooking Directions
{Step 1} Pour the beans into a small saucepan.
{Step 2} Stir in the other ingredients.
{Step 3} Heat over medium heat until hot. Makes about 7 servings.

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I don't remember half the time if I'm hiding or I'm lost

I will have to give that a try. Canned black beans work incredibly well for a quick lunch/dinner. I'll rinse out a couple of cans then put them in a bowl and add cumin, cayenne pepper and salt. Mush them up a fit and heat the whole thing in a tortilla on the stovetop. I've added chopped anchovies to the mixture in lieu of salt in the past but they don't seem to fit as well there as I'd hoped.

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I have it on good authority you should never, ever use canned black beans.

Looks like I just got lawered. What I meant to say is never put canned black beans in a slow cooker (which is probably self evident), in other contexts they are fine.

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