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believe it or not (and i'm 35/65 on it myself) i very well just might know.
i don't want to do an eating contest not only in public, but also at a score remote and with people clamoring to videotape it. for all of the "man card" crap that you can draw up, i wouldn't want to humiliate myself in such an eminently memorable way by kicking a couple'a ~35-45 year old dudes' asses.
i realize saying things like that invokes some sort of primordial "OOOOOHHHHH" response, but the odds are i'm being entirely factual here. i'm not fullblown fat, but for the sake of euphony i'll call myself a fatlete. if i had to i could get up and jog 5 miles at a pretty good pace without any problem, just like i could contort myself into a mindset where i just plow down those mcnuggets like it's nobody's business. the actual volume of 80 mcnuggets ain't shit; last week i took the ~15-20min walk to mcdonalds, ordered 20 mcnuggets, and proceeded to walk home casually downing those fuckers at the equivalent of a brisk jogging pace and i didn't even need more than a child size cup of water or any sauce packets.
the fact of the matter is that i love mcnuggets, for roughly ~8-10 years of my life that's all i ever ordered from mcdonalds. they're downright immaterial to me as i can go through them normally, let alone charging up via fasting and drinking before consumption. so yeah, with the whole world watching, listening, taping, and kawkawwwwing i'm in the 90%+ percentile that i could win this matchup, which begs the question: do i really want to?
see i was willing to do a stupid bar bet of eating 100 mcnuggets barring any interpersonal competition.... you know, like that dude adam richman on man vs food. if the grotesque slice of humanity i was serving you was merely glutteony championed in the name of "earning" a few bucks to buy everyone a few rounds that's cool with me. i'd essentially cash in $100 worth of dignity / self-image to hook everyone up.... but a competition? fuck that. for all i know the other guys could be sandbaggers and i can envision the worst case scenario where i do indeed put on the display of competitive eating that i'm truly capable of (which is a bad thing, remember, to a guy working on imposing far stricter limits on the excesses of his life/style) and not only could it very possibly be archived and youtubed for the rest of recorded human history, it could also feature some commentary on a 50KW TORCH OF TRUTH AND SYNERGY IN CHICAGO SPORTS FIEFDOMS!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean seriously, that's the kind of shit that terry and dan would bag on ppl for doing... and while it's all in good fun and whatnot, still, there's just that nightmare of having all that attention on me when i'm doing something entirely stupid.
i'd much rather show up to hang out and drop my own $50 on spirits and hook up people with a few drinks as we watch those other guys go for the glory, legend, and ultimately the myth. honestly, my self-esteem is way too low these days to go out and do something that re-affirms the perpetually creeping doubt that's plagued me since the 4th grade: that i'm a fatass loser.
(if don tiny had a talk show right now he'd be standing up and doing his arsenio HOO HOO HOO chat. instead he's doing the lord's work, aka adding to his excel database of apropos picture links. he's actually quite good at that)
so yeah, sorry to let all y'all down and have to turn in my man card or whatever..... but it just ain't worth it to make an ass of myself in such an excruciatingly public fashion. i've done it before in the name of "punk rockedness" or "the cause" or whatever.... but i'm sick of that shit. i'd much rather drop 75lbs get my life going in a solid direction then shock the world and drop that rap EP/LP/mixtape that blows up like what you know about a sweet emcee from the 313? he called it a year before he blew up: he's never too far from revenue!
of course, there was no chance that he could have a youtube video of his fat ass downing 80 mcnuggets at the behest of a couple'a other dudes who have no idea what kind of dark forces of mcnuggetian consumption they're up against. youtube lasts forever dude.... the NO was doubly sealed when i read about the video cameras, as the first seal was seeing ~50 odd mcnuggets references all over the board and in profiles which led me to believe i was being set up to act the fool, with that $100 being waved as some sort of loserbait that conveys far more of a broader social disparity message than even the utility of dropping $100 on everyone's drinks couldn't offset.
so in the immortal words of jimmy graham, the partially-footed god of tight ends, it's been real.... but i ain't in the contest.
_________________ Curious Hair wrote: Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?
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I don't think so. How about Spaulding? You could let her eat 60, like the ladies' tees.
