Dr. Kenneth Noisewater wrote:
Rarely does one realize that exact moment when their lives will change forever. Some find it when their child is born or when they land that first job. For me, it was a beautiful Spring day in early May of 2007 on a stretch of land in the Greater Crete Metropolitan Area. It was that day that I was introduced to the…..donspiracy.
don had won a contest for which he wasn’t eligible to join me for some golf, beer, and gambling. Resourceful man that he is, he said “If post count is all that is holding me back, I’ve got 551 thoughts I can post between now and 6am” and, like Sisyphus of Ephyra, he pushed that boulder up that hill. But, unlike Sisyphus, don is from the Quarry, and there is no rock that he cannot master.
We had designs on winning that golf scramble that day until don snapped his driver on the first tee and it occurred to me that today is not about winning, it’s about learning from the oracle that is donspiracy. I spent the day basking in the wisdom, working in a question when I could about NASCAR or obscure comedians or “Do you know my friend spmack?”. He was like a giant Yoda…all covered with hair…and I was his David Carradine trying to snatch the pebble from his palm before I died from auto-erotic asphyxiation. It was a strange time.
Since that time, I’ve met don at more remotes or events than any other poster here that has hair on their head. don’s NASCAR contests are legendary. I am privileged to be in the exclusive club of former Champions. At the Champions Dinner each year, it is customary for the valet to take your vehicle and go party somewhere while you hang out until long after the dinner is over. Then, we do the traditional Shit Run where we get timed running through a hallway of shit and then go do some more drinking. Then we wander around the neighborhood looking for rides home with our shit shoes. Welcome Terry’s Peeps!
Years from now, when don’s UStream broadcasts are so successful that they actual do originate from the Moon, we will all think back about the moment that don changed our lives. For you lucky few, that moment has yet to happen, and I envy you. Until that day, believe me when I tell you this, your life is incomplete and horrible. My eyes, however have been opened and the door is wide to greet don’s entrance into, not only the CSFMB Hall of Fame, but the collective World Hall of Awesome. I give you….donspiracy….
Rogers Park Bryan, Mr. Reason, Nas HOVA Makaveli, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, The Original Kid Cairo, Keeping Score, Regular Reader, fellow posters, we observe today not a victory of donspiracy, but a celebration of posting—symbolizing an end, as well as a beginning—signifying bad sports thoughts, as well as multing. For I have sworn before you and Almighty BigFan the same solemn oath our fallen mults prescribed nearly a decade and three upgrades ago.
The board is very different now. For posters hold in their clammy hands the power to abolish all forms of mult destruction and all forms of posting life. And yet the same revolutionary beliefs for which our fallen mults fought are still at issue around the internets—the belief that the rights of multers come not from the generosity of the mod, but from the hand of Ditka.
We dare not forget today that we are the heirs of the guest posting revolution. Let the one liners go forth from this time and place, to the friend and foe list alike, that the torch(!) has been passed to a new generation of mults—born in this decade, tempered by flame war, disciplined by a hard and bitter snarky comments, proud of our creepy heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those multing rights to which this board has always been committed, and to which we are committed to the Indian today on the board and around the internets.
Let every poster know, whether they wish us well or ill, that we shall pay any price(like a $5000 suit), beardown any burden, meet any board member, support any mult, oppose any troll, in order to assure the survival and the success of the board being better in two years. This much we pledge—and more.
To those IS0P allies whose multural and shit stirring origins we share, we pledge the loyalty of being faithful board members. United, there is little we cannot do in a host of cooperative multings. Divided, there is little we can do—for we dare not meet a powerful challenge of the moderator and be split asunder.
To those new posters whom we welcome to the ranks of the icky, we pledge our word that one form of moderator control shall not have passed away merely to be replaced by a far more iron paper bag head. We shall not always expect to find them supporting our wrong opinions. But we shall always hope to find them strongly supporting their own multing rights—and to remember that, in the past(like two years ago), those who foolishly sought attention whoring by riding the back of the panther ended up inside.
To those posters in the threads and sections across the message board struggling to break the bonds of bad sports thoughts, we pledge our best efforts to help them help themselves(like getting a speel cheeker for kujoe), for whatever period is required—not because the CircleJerkers may be doing it, not because we seek their votes in a poll, but because it is right. If a free message board cannot help the many who are stupid, it cannot save the few who are smart.
To our brothers and sisters from north of the AM 670 frequency, we offer a special pledge—to convert our good thoughts into good threads—in a new drinky alliance for progress—to assist free mults and thread free sections in casting off the chains of corporate plutocracy. But this peaceful revolution of CJH cannot become the prey of hostile powers. Let all our fellow board members know that we shall join with them to oppose ignorance or Steve In Elmhurst anywhere in this message board. And let every other radio host know that this message board intends to remain the master of its own domain name.
To that board assembly of posters that do not race bait, the Balck Lodge, our last best hope in an age where the instruments of bigotry have far outpaced the instruments of well thought out posts, we renew our pledge of support—to prevent it from becoming merely a forum for dumb-ass crackers—to strengthen its shield of basic multing rights and the weak—and to enlarge the threads and sections in which its posting may run free.
Finally, to those other message boards who would make themselves our adversary, we offer not a pledge but a request: that both sides begin anew the quest for flame war, before the dark powers of common sense are unleashed, for science(!) and engulf all message boards in planned or accidentally getting permanently banned.
We dare not tempt them with trolling. For only when our posts are sufficient beyond doubt that we can beat a Boliermaker Rick argument, and that they will never be employed.
But neither can two great and powerful groups, like The Crew or the IS0P take comfort from our present course—both sides overburdened by the pressure of typing something funny on a regular basis, both rightly alarmed by the fact that panther hasn’t been banned, yet both racing to alter that uncertain balance of multing that stays the hand of the boards final flame war.
So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that multing is not a sign of weakness, and a neat time and is always subject to troof. (Like being racist for a steak dinner)Let us never post out of fear. But let us never fear to post.
Let both sides explore what problems unite Chicago baseball fans instead of belaboring those problems which divide Chicago baseball fans.
Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals for the inspection of Wrigley Field and its future—and bring the absolute power of winning the World Series to the north side and under the control of Cubs nation.
Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of sabremetrics instead of its terrors. Together let us explore the playoffs, conquer the pennants, eradicate St. Louis and Detroit, enjoy October baseball, and encourage the old and stupid to keep rooting for their team.
Let both sides unite, to head to the corner of Clark and Addison, hear the command of Theo—to "undo the heavy burdens of 105 losing seasons... and to let the pennant be raised.”
And if the bleacherbums of the outfield may push back the jungle of 35th and Shields, let both sides join in creating a new kinship, not a new balance of who’s better, but a new Chicago baseball World Series Championship, where the smart are just and the dumb secure and the pennant preserved.
All this might not be finished in the next 162 games. Nor will it be finished in the next few seasons, nor in the life of the long time diehards, nor even perhaps in our lifetime of this message board. But let us begin.
In your typing hands, my fellow posters, more than in mine, will rest the final success or failure of our beloved baseball teams. Since this message board was founded, each generation of posters has been summoned to testify to its regional loyalty. The graves of fallen mults who answered the call to service surround this message board.
Now the trumpet summons us again—not as a call to beardown, though beardown we do need him; not as a call to trolling, though embattled we are—but a call to bear the burden of message board posting, season in and season out, "wait ‘til next year"—a struggle against the common enemies of Cubs fans: a goat, a black cat, the Cardinals, and Cubs fans themselves.
Can we forge against these enemies a grand and regional drinky alliance, North and South side, meatballs and statisticians, that can assure a more fruitful season for all Chicago baseball fans? Will you join in that historic pennant chase?
In the long history of the message board, only a few posters have been granted the role of defending smart baseball thoughts in its hour of maximum meatballery. I do not shrink from this responsibility—I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us board members would exchange places with any other poster on any other message board. The momentum, the indescribable intangibles, the devotion which we bring to this message board will light our threads and all who post in it—and the glow from that fire and passion can truly light the internet.
And so, my fellow posters: ask not what the message board can do for you—ask what you can do for the message board.
My fellow citizens of the internet: ask not what this board will do for you, but what together we can do for the flaming of the ignorant.
Finally, whether you are members of Redacted or members of some other crummy secant rate board, ask of us the same high standards of multing and one-liners which we ask of you. With a good thread our only sure reward, with the penis gallery the final judge of our posting, let us go forth to mult on the board we love, asking His blessing and His help, but knowing that here on the board, Bigfan's work must truly be our own.
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That was gol' darn frickin' awesome. 
) That was a damned funny introduction, thank you. 
....although I did consider pledging "Skulls" during the brief period I was down there and only hit CODaniels & KAMs when my Fla. friends on the the football team would invite me to tag along. Mabel's doesn't sound familiar, but then again there were many a club/bar visited I don't recall the names of, so I'm sure we unwittingly crossed paths. Wait, was that you in the Mustang filled with locals that chased me & the brothers out of a neighborhood north of campus?!? Figures.
