A TL;DR Production...
::bigfan is posting away, while Douchebag is posting .gifs throughout the board.::
bigfan: If YOU keep this UP, SOME are going to ask me to ban you!!1
Douchebag:
bigfan: SEE YOU IN A WEEK!
good dolphin: But, Bigfan, it is the time of the Christmas. And although you are a Cubs fan who is miserable, spare him please.
bigfan: MANY want him banned!
::Douchebag is banned from CFMB. bigfan is alone at night. There's a KNOCK on his door.::
bigfan: SOME are trying to get some sleep, CHUSE!
::Through the door comes AnusfaceAKApenisbreath. bigfan is stunned.::
bigfan: I got rid OF YOU!!
AnusfaceAKApenisbreath: Fuck you fagit! You're going to be visited by three spirits. You're going to learn the true meaning of Christmas, to suck my long and thick pork sword and swallow may comings!
bigfan: OUT!!!
::bigfan goes to sleep. He is awakened by the first ghost, JORR.::
JORR: Bigfan. Wake up.
bigfan: What do YOU WANT?!??!
JORR: I'm the Spirit of Christmas past. That reminds me, back in '78, when I was with my old partner, we used to run up and down Ashland, and we had this woman bartender at the old place that would serve us until 4am. We knew a few cops that would come there, good people, mostly Sox fans, and we'd talk about how they'd take us into the '80's with a great team. One night, there was a guy who came in and was screaming about Jimmy Carter and was panicking about gas prices, when this Armenian little midget jumped up and launched at him. We were actually about halfway through our set when we realized that the whole thing was staged by the main act, called Putrid Lust. The guy that ran that band also happened to be my dad's best friend's son in law.
bigfan: WHAT DOES THIS HAS TO DO WITH ANYTHING??/
JORR: Oh sorry. Yeah I'm here to take you back to your past and show you what you were before a big idiot.
bigfan: BANNED!!!
JORR: You can't do that. I'm a ghost.
::Back to bigfan's childhood, skating on a rink of gold.::
bigfan: I liked this place. My father would drop me off here. We would all grow up pretty rich around here.
JORR: But you never gave anything to the poor, to the unfortunate. Speaking of which, this one time in '83, when I was in the
Knuckleheads, our bass guitarist was huffing glue and getting high, and all of the sudden this massive beast of a guy who used to know my former partner's daughter's cousin came busting in--
bigfan: STOP!!
JORR: Oh sorry. Here, look.
::they're now in a bar, with bigfan's dad buying rounds.::
bigfan: Ah, I REMEMBER this place. MANY times my dad took me here! He was a good man. Bought MANY drinks.
JORR: I heard you do the same, but you're an asshole to everyone too. Reminds me of my ex-wife's former partner who knew my now father-in-law. See--
bigfan: LOOK! I was happy.
::bigfan is held up by his dad and admired by the drunks.::
JORR: You were happy but you didn't take after your dad that well. And you didn't take care of him when he was sick.
bigfan: YOU are the one who deserves to be punished. Get me back to bed, Spirit!
JORR: I will. But let me tell you about Jose Quintana. Have you ever seen him pitch? He's not that--
::bigfan knocks himself out, and winds up back in bed. He is awoken again by the second spirit, Nas.::
Nas: I see you voted for Trump.
bigfan: HOVA!
Nas: No. I'm the ghost of Christmas Present. SOME would know that.
bigfan: Don't try to talk like me!
Nas: What do you care. We all look alike to you.
bigfan: What do YOU WANT?
Nas: Look.
::they go to Arizona. it's bright and sunny but bigfan mourns in a Lou's kitchen.::
Nas: This is Trump's America.
bigfan: Weren't YOU a BERNIEBRO?
Nas: I need to get started on Bernie? I never said that.
bigfan: YOU said Rex Grossman would lead the Bears to a SUPER BOWL!
Nas: He did.
bigfan: YOU said Mark Prior would lead the Cubs to a World Series.
Nas: OK. He paved the way. They did win a World Series, didn't you watch?
bigfan? OK I'm here in Arizona. I'm happy! See!
Nas: You're not happy. You left the one thing you loved because you got thin skinned. You know it. Look. You banned Douchebag. And now he's hanging out with Don Tiny.
::Don Tiny and Douchebag are sitting on a bench.::
bigfan: Don Tiny doesn't look too good. Will he make it????
Nas: SOME say he might not make it another year with how bad the posting's gotten.
bigfan: BUT HE did not do anything to anybody!
Nas: So you care so much now?
bigfan: NO. Take me home, spirit. I am tired! And I'm happy in Scottsdale. I run my own board now!
Nas: You ran it into the ground. What is it up to, 6 posters? I have more of that on my bathroom wall. All of Lovie Smith.
bigfan: I figured!
::bigfan is returned to bed. he sleeps for a while, but then the clock DINGS and now he's in a windy cemetery.::
bigfan: WHAT NOW??!!
Seacrest: Maybe you should re-read the thread.
bigfan: OH great. The Ghost of Christmas Future now??
Seacrest: Would it help you if I told you?
bigfan: Just take me to my grave! I know how this ends! I don't care. I'M HAPPY!!!
Seacrest: If you're happy, you wouldn't need me to answer your question.
bigfan: Just take me to my grave!!
::Seacrest takes him to his grave site. bigfan shakes his head, and now starts to get scared.::
bigfan: Don't throw me in there. I don't know if I believe in God!!
leashyourkids: Oh great, another one. God isn't real, bigfan.
bigfan: HOW DID YOU GET IN MY THREAD?
leashyourkids: I am the Ghost of Thread Derailing.
Seacrest: Do you need to be reminded what happened last time we had this conversation?
leashyourkids: Still waiting on your answer, Seacrest, I--
::leashyourkids is banished.::
bigfan: THANK YOU!
::he falls in the grave and wriggles around.::
bigfan: No! NO! I'M NOT READY! I don't want to die!!??
Seacrest: Are you really dying? Isn't this what you wanted?
bigfan: WHAT IS WITH YOU ALWAYS ASKING QUESTIONS???
Seacrest: Would you like me to try and rephrase them? Why not re-read the thread, and get back to me.
bigfan: I can't take it! Please, take me back to where I was! I'll be better! I'll unban Douchebag, I'll do whatever!
Seacrest: Douchebag is unbanned. Everyone is happy on the CFMB.
bigfan: CFMB???// What so that? No! Let me have my board back! Please!
::Seacrest vanishes, while bigfan begs and begs. Suddenly he wakes up, and Christmas bells are chiming.::
bigfan: It's Christmas! It's Christmas! MANY would be happy about this!!! Hey you there!
::he looks out the window. IMU is there.::
IMU: Yeah? I'm on my way to get "Dead Rising 4".
bigfan: TELL ME MY BOARD IS STILL THERE!
IMU: Yeah it's there. WE talk about the politics again.
bigfan: Oh nevermind! I just want to make sure it's there! It's Christmas! Merry Christmas!!
IMU: OK. Want to ride in my hatchback?
::bigfan celebrates with all the members, and all is well. Don Tiny is given the final line.::
Don Tiny: Oh fuck you everyone.
::CURTAIN::
