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Saying Goodbye?
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Author:  Nas [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 4:53 pm ]
Post subject:  Saying Goodbye?
My grandmother (who is more like my mother) is near the end of her battle with alzheimer's. It's been tough seeing someone you care so much about become a shell of themselves and watch them die for 5 years. For selfish reasons I've wanted her to stick around for as long as possible and was hoping she would make it to 90 in January but I don't want to see her suffer. The doctors are saying she has weeks to months but with me being with her everyday I believe it's more like days to weeks. I've told myself I'm "okay" with it but I'm pretty sure I'm lying to myself. How have some of you coped with saying "goodbye" to someone that you knew were dying? What worked?
Author:  Urlacher's missing neck [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
I haven't seen my 2 living grandparents in maybe 8 months or so and they are mid 80's. I wish i had as close of a relationship with them as you do with grandmother.
Author:  redskingreg [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 5:05 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
I was very close to my grandmother. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in January 2002. Her husband (my "step" grandpa) didn't have kids of his own, so he spoiled us grandchildren like no other. I had a much closer relationship to him than my actual grandfather. The cancer had spread everywhere. He didn't want my grandma to die first, so he took his own life in February '02. She lost the battle to cancer a few weeks later. Hardest time of my life, by a long shot. My advice is to be there with your family, remember the good times, and know that it will get better. Cliche as it is, time heals the wound.
Author:  spmack [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 6:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
Going thru the same thing with my grandma, Nas.....we're hoping she makes it to her 84th B-day on June 30th. I believe Doug has the same birthday that's why I always remember.
Author:  notbob [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 6:33 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
i took solace in the life lessons she taught me. the privilegie (sp) she bestowed upon me to pour into me. when i eulogized her i was able to share her love and wisdom. her not knowing me in the end was hard. you are in my prayers.
Author:  Seacrest [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 6:37 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
Nas wrote:
My grandmother (who is more like my mother) is near the end of her battle with alzheimer's. It's been tough seeing someone you care so much about become a shell of themselves and watch them die for 5 years. For selfish reasons I've wanted her to stick around for as long as possible and was hoping she would make it to 90 in January but I don't want to see her suffer. The doctors are saying she has weeks to months but with me being with her everyday I believe it's more like days to weeks. I've told myself I'm "okay" with it but I'm pretty sure I'm lying to myself. How have some of you coped with saying "goodbye" to someone that you knew were dying? What worked?


She sounds like her effect on your life was profoundly positive. Perhaps you want to start there.

Take the time when you are with her to write down an extensive list of all she has done for you. The smaller the act the better. Go back to your first memories of her and work your way forward to the present day. You can sit with her and tell her all these things that you are thankful for. It may be helpful to do it more than once too. When her death is imminent you can whisper them in her ear. I learned when my mother passed 18 months ago that even though people don't respond, then they can hear you until the end.

If there are some things that need to be forgiven, mention them too. Tell her out loud. It was helpful to me.

And once she is gone, she still will be with you. I stopped by the cemetery almost every day for 6 months when my brother passed away. I would just sit down on the ground by his grave and talk to him. It was incredibly helpful to me.

Parting is sorrowful. Cry. Cry as hard as you can. If you need to, cry harder. More. It's the most effective way to deal with emotional pain. And if you pray, remember that the God is close to the broken hearted. I hope this helps in some small way.
Author:  Hatchetman [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 6:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
Try and make her comfortable, spend time with her, bring her things she likes. Both of you know the situation, I don't think you have to make any bold pronouncements or anything like that.
Author:  C_Howitt_Fealz [ Sun Apr 28, 2013 8:13 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
My grandmother deteriorated so quickly. We received an early morning phone call April 17 (last year) from the nursing. They said she had about a week -she wasn't taking food and they were pulling all medicines except for pain. I had a long day of work lined up - nine to nine that day. I thought I would go over the next morning and spend a few hours. Of course, she passed overnight. :(

I never got the last goodbye I would have wanted. So Nas, just enjoy every moment you can. Being there every day - who knows if it actually helps her. But it will certainly help you.
Author:  Hawg Ass [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 8:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
Nas, sorry to hear and she sounds like such a wonderful person. She gave you the greatest gift that she ever could and that was passing on her wonderful ways to you. Which in turn will be passed down to your children and so forth. Remember the great moments and cherish the times you have left with her. My thoughts are with her and all of your family.
Author:  rogers park bryan [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 8:42 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
I was very close to my grandma. Closer than to my mom. She was 80 when I was like 10, so my dad started trying to prepare me for her dying, she ended up living til she was 94

I just tried to enjoy every minute with her. Didnt really ever say goodbye. I feel good about it.
Author:  sinicalypse [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 10:31 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
real talk, once they got to the point where they started pulling feeding tubes and breathing assistance i had to get the fuck out of town to NYC for a week. thank god my friend in lower manhattan had the couch hookup so i went out there and just lived life whilst the inevitable played out.

sure, some of the family show showed up in her last ~4-5 waning days post-life-support were like WTF HOW COULD YOU GO!?!?!? and it's like hey now, for the last 4 years i was in the trenches sporadically, example, waking up at 2-3am cuz grandma rolled out of bed and fell to the floor shitting herself in the process. i lived with the downward spiral every day for those 4 years, so now these ppl who have a "family tradition" of not wanting to see alzheimer/y relatives in their diminishing states "to remember them as they were" are gonna start talkin to me about being an asshole for not wanting to hang out and spend hours a day watching the last wisps of life exhale from her body? fuck you.... i can't do that shit. i reckon later in life i will have to, but not then.... hell not even right now, not with my esteem so low that i can barely create anything without going back over it 30 times wanting to delete it then not talk for a week cuz whatever standards i have for myself are never met.

it sounds like you were there for her more than others/most/etc, so if the acutal process of death is something you don't wanna deal with right now, say your goodbye make it profound and then raise one in her honor somewhere where you can celebrate life and remember the good times, lest we start quoting dylan thomas and shit.
Author:  Tall Midget [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 10:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
I used to do a lot of volunteer work with Alzheimer's patients living in nursing homes. While many of them were disoriented or lacked specific memories of their past, I was always moved by the obvious happiness they experienced when their loved ones came to visit them. I agree with others who have said that you should spend as much time as possible with your grandmother as she approaches her final days. It is likely that your visits will bring her immense joy, and you should take comfort in the fact that this reaction is an indication of the happiness you have brought to her throughout your life. My wife was also very close to her grandmother, and for that reason she could not bear to spend much time with her as her condition deteriorated. She now regrets having missed out on those final, precious moments. Saying goodbye is painful and uncomfortable, but not saying goodbye in the best way you know how will probably be worse.
Author:  Regular Reader [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 10:47 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
I don't know if there's really anything you can do to get ready, or to soften the blow of the impending loss. My wife's grandmother (yeah, the one you knew) passed away a few years ago under similar circumstances. She too was at home w/family, like everyone understood to be important to her. It was at times frightening to watch, but as mentioned by many, the main thing you can do is help where you can, then remember and share the good things she did with & for you all. Everyone left is better for her life, that chapter, respecting her wishes and providing the most warmth for all of you.

God bless.
Author:  Urlacher's missing neck [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
Good song by Hawthorne Heights as well. IMU might be the only one to agree with me though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlgWpGWhhm4
Author:  Darkside [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 6:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
I always think about how it would be to not have a chance to say goodbye.
It happens all the time.
My wife's best friend died last summer, 29, 2 kids, 1 3 month old mind you.
Last time we saw her was nice. But it wasn't how you leave someone you love that you will never see again. It was a wedding and we were all loaded and we kinda faded out of the party when it was time to go.
I reflect sometimes on what my last words were to my wife when I'm out driving from call to call. Were they loving words? They tend to be, we almost always close our conversation with an I love you.

I think that's important.

Just always remember to tell your loved ones you love them because really we never really know when the last time we see them will be.
Author:  Dallas Winston [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 7:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
It's tough Nas. I've been there and I know how you feel. I had a really good friend die of cancer. It's was a long journey, and it was sad and sometimes depressing. You just don't want any what ifs. Talk real and genuine. If you're inclined to pray, I've found that helps. Good luck. I'm sure you'll handle it perfectly.
Author:  Crystal Lake Hoffy [ Mon Apr 29, 2013 7:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Saying Goodbye?
My Grandfather was like a father to me. Here was a guy who was a vet of WWII, was a cop who had the balls to walk into a one against two gun battle and came away with no wounds and both guys killed, a guy who worked his ass off officiating and remaining athletic into his 60s suddenly reduced to a shrunken mess in a year from lung cancer. I was in high school and as crazy as it will sound, I couldn't be with him as he was getting sick. For example, he wanted to ride the Metra downtown and walk around but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It hurt so much to see him that way that I avoided him because I didn't want to remember him how he was. I made sure to never forget what an idiot I was for being so selfish, but teenagers do dumb things I guess. My Grandmother was a different story. She took a turn for the worse and I had the opportunity to be with her more in the end. As Seacrest mentioned, I just sat with her and read back every good memory I could in the hope of not having her deathbed be my lasting memory. Unfortunately, that experience was very emotional and there is nothing I can do but remember her struggling to breathe while she lay there dying.
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