I'd like to welcome one and all to the First(and probably last) Annual Champions Dinner. We are here to honor Darkside for his victory in the most prestigious tournament in Chicago sports message board history. We are also here to honor Telegram Sam, and the other Final Four participants for being almost as good as Darkside, but better than everyone else.

Before we get to the hijinks and frivolity of recycled jokes stolen mostly from Comedy Central roasts, I would like to say a few words. Thank you to all that participated in the tournament either by voting or by being included in the field and then not voting. Thank you to bigfan for letting me hijack his board for a few weeks. Thanks to those who tolerated me turning the View Active Topics function into a list of posts I made. Thank you to all who participated in the contest in the spirit intended. Thanks to pittmike and a few others who helped me by PM with some vote checking. Thanks to Malzomora for existing. Thank you to those who actively participated in their own threads. Thank you to everyone who makes this tournament great. Without all the active participation it gets, I would basically be goldendomer spamming the board. On Monday, we can all return to complaining about Bernstein, Cubs/Sox debates, and sitting around waiting for America's true past time to come back. Today, we celebrate Darkside.

(takes a moment to compose myself, I'm not crying really, they can't see it, hold it together)

Let's get on with the show. Today is about honoring Darkside on his impressive accomplishment, but first we need to talk about some other people. We have many of our past winners here. Douchebag, Dr. Ken, rpb, Godfella. I'm glad they could all make it. OKC couldn't be here today, but I like to think that even when he isn't here now, that he is on some other unknown message board talking shit about all of us. Enough about that though. It's time to talk shit about people right in front of them and pretend like I'm just joking.

I always had a hard time writing takes for douchebag, because realistically what can you say about a guy named douchebag? It would be like if Seacrest was named "know-it-all science denier" or if Baby McCown was named "Guy who makes no quality posts".

rpb makes posts, a lot of posts, so many posts. He's like the Theo Epstein of the board. By sheer numbers, he posted his way to a championship, and now he is living off that reputation as other Rick Hahn-like posters surpass him. Don't worry though. rpb is planning on being great again in 2017.

Dr. Ken is an all-time great poster. If there was a CSFMB Senior Tour, he'd win this every year by beating out jimmypasta, pittmike(we all saw the picture, he qualifies), and Mr. Reason in this four team tournament. Terry's Peeps "couldn't be here tonight".

I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention unofficial board champion spmack, who was the star of the board in the days before anyone interesting was here. He never got to participate in this tournament in his prime, because you can't have a tournament with 12 people and a bunch of OG's family members. I'm sure he would have won though, so he gets a seat at the champions table mostly to keep the seating chart balanced.

Rounding out the Final Four participants, we have Bagels and Telegram Sam. Telegram Sam joins the prestigious list of past second place finishers with people like JORR, and a bunch of other guys no one remembers because second place is just the first loser. Telegram Sam is clearly the thinking mans choice which is why it is surprising he made it past the second round. I'm not saying the intelligence level of the board is low, but we have a very popular thread discussing what food you ate for lunch. There are fourth grade classes having more stimulating conversation. Now, just because I said Telegram Sam was the thinking mans choice, I don't mean that Bagels is the non-thinking mans choice. I mean, he is, but he's also the choice of NBA fans and "Music festivals with weird names and strange bands and then rappers" fans. What the hell is a Bonnaro? In all seriousness, I would have been happy if any of these four guys won. I was pretty much on the anyone but IMU, Spaulding, or Baby McCown bandwagon from the start.

But, let's wrap this up, and get to the man of the hour. Me.

Oh wait, that isn't right. Darkside. What can I say about Darkside? He runs the most popular annual offline board event in history. I always look forward to all the inside jokes that come from it. I laugh, and laugh, and laugh at how many potatoes lipidquadcab brought that one time. He went on an actual vacation with a man he met on the internet. After he went on that vacation, he decided to make a major life change which was an incredibly brave thing to do. He decided to become an HVAC guy which regardless of how it sounds, is a profession and not a lifestyle. He started to post less because of it and seemingly the reaction to him posting less has been quite positive given this win. I predict that when he finally does the 2013 YEAR END AWARDS, that they will be hilarious. All in all, he is a very good poster and very deserving of this prestigious honor. Congratulations to Darkside on your victory.

I now welcome all former winners, all the Final Four participants, and anyone else who is so inclined to raise a glass to Darkside.

(cheers)

The floor is now open to anyone who wants to say a few words, or in the case of Tall Midget, a lot of words.

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

One thing you have to understand is, in terms of championships and being great, is that I cannot be surpassed when speaking in those terms. When I was with the Machine, of course we were ensconced in greatness. There were a few factors as to why that was achieved, all of which being because of me.

First, I played second base like a champion. My glove and my abilities were, however, second...to none. I was like a Russian ballet dancer, or I was like Mozart. Simply perfection. It was my intent to be like an Olympic sprinter, with my arms being coaxial to that of a super hero.

When you win, there is no amount of accolades you can account for. You deserve all of them--I have proof, evidence, footprints if you will. There are some who may doubt that greatness, but they cannot doubt the obvious numbers that you put up. There is no mystery to solve for Sherlock Holmes or Agatha Christie--both great in their own rights. But not as great as me, if I were to choose that endeavor. I am positive I could use my innate sensibilities that a Hall of Fame second baseman has in order to crack any case, no matter how convoluted or complex.

Those in the field of martial arts achieve a "black belt" when they become champions. I have a black belt in baseball if you will. And my DNA is uncloneable. That's because you cannot copy perfection, as you copy it becomes more imperfect. My four daughters who are also scientists can vouch for that. However, you can copy greatness--it just will be imperfect greatness. That will still be better than certain other second basemen who cheat their way into the Hall of Fame. Pock marks on perfection cannot exist, but pock marks on greatness and champions happen all the time in this imperfect world.

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Second is better than first when speaking in terms of basemen, and more specifically, me.

Too much, too early

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"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”

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Combined they look like half of a Sini post.

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Be well

GO BEARS!!!

A botched celebration.

Can BRick get anything right this year?

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Elections have consequences.

I didn't vote because I don't play favorites. That being said, DS is a noted hockey gay, and I always enjoy his exchanges on this board. Well deserved.

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Hawaii (fuck) You

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Darkside and Panther teaming up for a victory... You all make me sick. I hope you all choke on your champagne!!! Infidels!!!

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Are we having Chicken McNuggets for dinner?

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2018
#ExtendLafleur
10 More Wins

no roadkill

So this is a fancy dinner.

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2018
#ExtendLafleur
10 More Wins

That's right. You have to wear a shirt with sleeves to sit at this table.

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Thank you Rick and Congratulations to Darkside!

I dont want to take up much of your time and Im not a big talker/poster, so Ill just say raise your glasses to CSFMB movin on up

It's ok. I think your posts suck too.

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

It's not ok.

I am so honored to be among such luminaries at this pretend dinner. Stay away from the panko-crusted cod, seacrest. I'd hate to see you have a gluten-related crisis of conscience in front of all these people. Good thing you're sitting next to Hawg Ass. As a special treat, redskingreg and the other beer enthusiasts have crafted a special brew concocted for this occasion. To go along with that, Regular Reader and the litigious enthusiasts have concocted a special liability waiver to be signed prior to comsumption of said beer for said occasion, ipso facto, addendum. Spaulding brought some salt. Eaglo jeff is dressed as an astronaut. Frank and Big Fan are sharing a plate of linguine a la "Lady and the Tramp."

Thanks to Boilermaker Rick for putting this together and weathering all of the ensuing weirdness with professionalism and aplomb. Get in touch with me next year, I have a few ideas on the running leashyourkids gag. Leashyourkids vs. himself, leashyourkids vs. the "Sanford and Son" theme song, Leashyourkids vs. a nice old lady, I'm just spitballing.

Someguy, stay focused. You've got a big play-in matchup against AskJeeves[bot] in 11 1/2 months.

My condolences to the guys in the garden center at Home Depot, as badrogue17 goes back hanging around complaining about the placement of actual seeds fifteen times a day.

Thank you to BD, leash, Spaulding, RFDC and Dr. Ken, all of whom I found it difficult to muster an unkind word about. Thank you to everyone who voted vor me at all in this contest. To those of you who did so because you find my posts funny, I am humbled and grateful, as there are many funnier posters here than me on any given day. To those who did it because they find my posts intelligent thank you for confusing Google with intellect.

On to Darkside. He's witty, he is a loyal friend, he doesn't mince words (well, there is all that "St. Ciprian on a Trampoline" business, but I chalk that up to folksy eccentricity), he's the good kind of weird. He is the Bizarro MWSFMB. And, to that end,

(is handed a Mariachi guitar. That big ass one the short guy usually plays)

I've cobbled together a little number in you're honor. I hope you like it.

And if the weather breaks and green grass should appear
And if you are in need of a beer
And if you're fond of people mangling '90's tunes
I'll see you all at Darkside's in the boons.


(lights big ass Mariachi guitar on fire, a la Jimi Hendrix at the Moterey Pops Festival in 1967. 38 minute of awkward silence)

Good night! See you all at Lakemoor! Try the pasta salad!

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I don't remember half the time if I'm hiding or I'm lost

So who is paying for the rest of the meal?

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Thank you to Telegram Sam. He is as gracious in defeat as he was when I advanced leash instead of him to the next round.

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

Despite the fact that I received PM's asking me to vote for a certain member, I didn't vote either. Darko is a worthy champion.

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CSFMB 2014 Nascar Pick 'em Champion

We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much. — Ronald Reagan

don't bring any if you aren't going to share with the class...

Nope. It's water under the bridge at this point. I don't roll like that.

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CSFMB 2014 Nascar Pick 'em Champion

We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much. — Ronald Reagan

How do you roll?

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You brought it up...

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This is my signature...

Exactly....

Scorehead is like a chick that "doesn't want to talk about it" on Facebook...

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This is my signature...

Dr. Kenning

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Be well

GO BEARS!!!

Everyone knows what happened.

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CSFMB 2014 Nascar Pick 'em Champion

We don’t have a trillion-dollar debt because we haven’t taxed enough; we have a trillion-dollar debt because we spend too much. — Ronald Reagan