Have you ever masturbated with hair conditioner in the shower hoping there would be a payoff but you're left with nothing more than a faint burning sensation, shame, and the awful knowing that you wasted time trying to find pleasure but you just wasted more of your tepid, pointless life?

Welcome to the feeling you'll get from The Strangers.

This movie made me wish I had been born like Hellen Keller. Then I'd never have to have listened to 90 minutes of Liv Tyler whimpering through a feature film or watched two grown adults making terrible tactical decisions and felt the cold fingers of boredom creeping menacingly across my spine making me wish I had spent the evening watching Socialists on Ice instead.

I suppose that the premise of the movie had potential. There were menacing, murderous freaks in scary masks. There was pointless homicide (always a plus), there were shotguns. But there was also no dialogue. There was not a single hint of character development. All we knew of the main characters was he said "will you" and she said "yeah boo I dunno I'm still kinda wanting to party".

At one point the main Male character calls his pal to pick him up and I said "well I know how this is gonna turn out" and I was right.

I spent the vast majority of this movie waiting for a twist. Praying for a twist.

Spoiler alert.


No twist.

And the final jump scare was... let's just say you should have long since left the theater and were close to home and reading your mail. I'd recommend the ValPak coupon booklet we get weekly.

Certainly much more entertaining.

_________________
"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

Liv Tyler is one of the truly awful actresses of our time. Her work oozes stupidity. I imagine she has gotten work by taking a mile of dick and using her father's name.

Still, I thought The Strangers was ok.

There are two schools of thought when counterattacking a homicidal group. You can go after the biggest one hoping to either scatter the followers if you win or die valiantly. The other way is to take out the weakest and work up the ladder. My approach in this case would have been to grab one the girls who overestimates her power, put her head on the front porch and see if the next person up had the guts to still attack.

There is a The Strangers II. I didn't see it but I would.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Some of the best opening sentences in an OP of all time.

This is going on your CFMB plaque.

_________________

So you've masturbated with conditioner.


Cool.

_________________
"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014