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TRANSFORMERS 3: THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE/REVIEW BY SINI K. LYPSE
I went into this movie with little-to-no expectations outside of seeing a bad movie; despite that fact, I still walked away wondering what I had just seen.
Transformers 3 is essentially CGI robot pornography homogenized with some of the most god-awful hamming-for-laughs known to mankind. In fact, just about every time that this movie attempts to "humanize" itself by developing a character or providing "comic relif" I ended up wanting to throw something at the screen. Many love to lambast these movies as nothing more than CGI robot pornography and special effects a-gogo doing their thing for upwards of 2+ hours, and I would like to report that if such were the case I would probably actually like this movie for what it is.
Instead, we've got a human-side to the story given to us through the trials and tribulations of Sam Witwicky. Sam needs a job, and he's a bit butthurt that saving the world twice doesn't exactly fill up a proper resume and now he's a lowly civilian without a job who has outkicked his coverage with a hot chick. Gone is the perpetually-blank-faced Megan Fox, replaced by Lipzilla in the flesh: Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.
Good God, what the fuck is up with her lips? They're fucking huge! If she wished to compete with Rosie in terms of giant lips, Angelina Jolie would need to double her efforts like the Emperor was coming to inspect the Death Star. I often found myself in sheer and utter amazement at just how fucking huge those things were... they're unnatural, they're excessive, and they're just plain ol wrong. Surely part of the $6 billion budget had to be used on applying CGI to Rosie's face in order to create those lips, because I find it damn near impossible that any human being, short of some sort of a preview of some unwanted evolution of humanity, would possess lips like that. She has the tight model's body thing going, she's played up to be the sex kitten / damsel and distress and even manages clothing changes whilst being hostage (which is quite a feat if you ask me), but still, odds are you're going to be distracted from her tits, ass, and legs by her monstrosity of a face. It's unnatural, creepy, and just bad bad bad bad bad bad bad </Jimmy Piersall>.
Incidentally, you could replace her with a wooden plank with some crude attempt at tits and an ass tacked on to it and you'd get roughly the same performance. Incidentally, I do have to give her credit for fighting to save the world in high heels. 100+ years of women's rights movements and I'm proud to say that Transformers 3 has achieved a milestone in establishing that women are so far beyond men it's not even funny.
Oh yeah, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has passed the Megan Fox test in Transformers 3: it is established early on in the movie that dickless robots from across the galaxy do want to have sex with her, aka the mark of a TRUE WOMAN.
Otherwise, a whole lot of the movie is wasted on "humanizing" it by detailing Sam Witwicky's (Shia "Walgreens" Lebeouf) quest to get a job. Nearly all of his exploits are played for laughs, and by the time your face has carved out a nice resting place in your palm that's when Ken Jeong shows up. Hijinks ensue. Fortunately, this movie presents the best solution to the Ken Jeong problem presented to date.
Otherwise, just about any time you have to deal with human beings in this movie they're cut out caricatures of tried-n-true movie stereotypes that either try to "set up the action" or usually play directly for laughs. None of these people have a soul, it's as if every single one of them came out of "Creating Action Movie Characters for Dummies", available at your local bookstore if it hasn't been boarded up yet. It's fucking miserable, as the "ensemble" cast has been expanded to include Frances McDormand, who was clearly told to play a neurotic yet quirky government agent who, SHOCK OF ALL SHOCKS, doesn't believe the kid who was centrifugal to the plots of the first two movies whenever he shows up to pass on some pertinent information. I guess they'll never learn, eh?
So basically you're left with ~2.5 hours of sitting there hoping and PRAYING every non-CGI scene ends quickly so you can get back to CGI robot pornography. There's not too much to be said about that, as if you're paying $$$$ to see this movie you want to see god-awful-giant-robot-designs fight each other and destroy as much of their surroundings as possible. As all of us know, Chicago gets destroyed in this movie... although a faint sign of hope is seen later on in the movie when you see an L train going by. FUCK YEAH CTA!!!!
Naturally, there's a plot that involves THE END OF THE WORLD ("of course!" says Raul Julia's M. Bison from the Street Fighter movie) and of course there's all kind of gaping plotholes like "hey, why didn't these guys do this in the first or second movies if this was such a big deal?" but that's a question that is clearly above my paygrade. Basically, just sit back shutup and watch the beautiful CGI do it's thing. I've read some people claim that you get numb to the whole CGI thing within ~30-45 mins of the movie, but I didn't find that to be the case. Even tho I fucking loathe and detest the design of the actual transformers, they are executed well and the action scenes are top-notch and inspired, and overall provide reprieve for all of the other non-CGI aspects of the movie, which are downright pitiful pathetic horrible and horrendous.
So basically this movie is Jekyll-n-Hyde. On one hand, it's a beautiful testament to the powers of CGI and a sterling example of how you can even go back in time and retcon the moon landing and seamlessly create a fantastic world of monstrous robots on such a scale that you really believe Chicago is a post-apocalyptic warzone. On the other hand, the movie is perhaps the most damning example of the decadence of the BIG BUDGET HOLLYWOOD SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE, by showing you how they can toss good looking people on the screen and have them do stupid awful dumb shit and basically show you that Hollywood really has no desire deep down to properly combine beautiful CGI and a rich engaging story chock full of people who you care about. Nope. If they're human, they're there to get you thinking about Sex, Love, and Comedy in that particular order.
So hey, I reckon you can waste $5-12 or whatever you pay to see movies on worse things... and I reckon that the long-term-effects of seeing the horrible non-CGI parts of this movie are slightly less detrimental to your long term health than buying a pack of cigarettes, so I give this movie a definitive "meh" and say that if you're bored, have 2.5 hours to kill, and want to snuggle up next to a conquest chick and tell her that her face is much better than Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's face, then this movie is for you. If the sheer spectacle of CGI bores you and you want anything of substance out of this movie, avoid it like the plague, cuz seriously, I cannot stress enough that THE HUMAN SCENES ARE SOOOO FUCKING AWFUL THAT THEY MAKE ME WONDER JUST HOW STUPID AND PATHETIC OUR MEDIA MASTERS TRULY KNOW WE ARE.
You know when you're sitting around rooting for the racist stereotype black robots to show up and scream MAMMMMYYYYY on the screen that you're dealing with a pile of crap. Granted, it's a technically beautiful pile of crap that can turn you into a low-level-fecalpheliac, but like, if when it's all said and done you actually have any sort of thoughts or emotions relating to the main characters, then I suspect that you are a CGI transformer yourself and you should go find Megan Fox or Rosie Huntington-Whitely because evidently their sex-appeal transcends the concept of having a penis.
_________________ Curious Hair wrote: Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?
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