I enjoyed my first three articles.

I enjoyed my first three articles.

Any good pasta salad recipes yet?

Our hotel smelled like dead hooker vagina (before you ask I had gotten a detailed description from beardown)

God damn that website sucks.

Terrible opinions from people who are just looking to suck at the teet of whatever crap is currently popular.

God damn that website sucks.

Terrible opinions from people who are just looking to suck at the teet of whatever crap is currently popular.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

I've gotten so exhausted with all the talking points of the Smart Sportswriting Consensus that I'd almost rather read Telander now.

Our hotel smelled like dead hooker vagina (before you ask I had gotten a detailed description from beardown)

The Winners and Losers of Kirsten Dunst Dating Jesse Plemons

Congrats on being better than me, Psycory.

Jennifer Garner for Capital One is my favorite TV series currently on-air.

No shots at Broad City, or Veep, or Black-ish, or Game of Thrones. No shots at BoJack Horseman, or The Americans, or Transparent, or Better Call Saul. (NO SHOTS EVER AT NARCOS — NARCOS KEEP DOING YOUR THING. PROMISE ME. NARCOS, DO YOU PROMISE.) But what’s happening on Jennifer Garner for Capital One right now is something special.

And we should talk about it.

The first thing we should talk about is the Venture Card itself. I’m kidding — we 100 percent should not talk about that. I know nothing about the Venture Card. I mean, I literally know nothing about it. Maybe it’s awful? I really hope not! But we don’t ever need to talk about it, because it doesn’t matter.

To be clear: I would write this if the Venture Card were a “you might die”–era Chipotle coupon. I would write this if the Venture Card were one of those brands of niche mid-’90s cigarettes designed to entrap healthy teens (I mean, of course I would — hot people just want to smoke and date and play pool by the ocean all day, and who’s to stop us). I would write this if the Venture Card were a trial membership for one of those cults that seems really charming at first (vegan menu? Dope) but then suddenly the next thing you know you’re in the bathroom of the internet cafe from The Beach and looking over your shoulder and swallowing a mailbox key in a locked stall as you tattoo a set of coordinates to your hip bone and Google “Jennifer Garner + get my life back” (11,000 results). I would write this … no matter what.

And that’s the point, really: Jennifer Garner for Capital One … is not about Capital One. It’s important to understand this at all times. No one knows what Jennifer Garner is selling. No one knows, and no one cares, and it’s fine.

The second thing we should talk about is

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

"No one knows, and no one cares, and it’s fine" is among the Grantlandiest sentences around. Any variation of "but x is not really about x" might be the Grantlandiest sentence around.

Does Dave know about the new URL? Might for the best if he doesn't because this Jennifer Garner crap may kill him.

In “Out of Reach,” she is challenging: “What’s in your wallet? (Prove it.)” In “Grand Illusion,” reassuring: “What’s in your wallet? (Whatever it is, it’s fine.)” In “Websites Galore,” casual: “What’s in your wallet? (I mean, it’s just a wallet.)” And in “Seats Roll Out,” yes, flirtatious: “What’s in your wallet? (I mean — you don’t have to tell me. If you want to tell me, you can tell me. If you told me, then I would know, and it would be our secret. I do think we’d love having a secret. I like to imagine that we’d talk about it sometimes. Just us, of course. A whisper, a little laugh, when no one else was around. Maybe over some wine. Only a glass, I think — you know, that kind of night. Sometimes we would text about it. Short texts, quick ones, not too late. I bet that we would text each other back really promptly. ‘What’s in your wallet?’ I’d ask you, and then you would tell me. You would know I already know but it wouldn’t matter.)” In Jennifer Garner’s hands, “What’s in your wallet?” isn’t selling — it’s asking. And it becomes something else entirely.

It becomes language.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

People join bandwagons because they convey the subjective feeling of winning. The Warriors are the perfect bandwagon team for the post-internet era. Their bandwagon is light-years ahead of everyone else’s bandwagon. It’s a self-steering electric intelliWagen that gets 1,000 miles to a charge, has built-in Wi-Fi, and speaks with a decisive, yet nonthreatening, voice. Elon Musk is furious that he didn’t think of it.

When you sink into the soft, ergonomically perfect, handcrafted leather seats of the Dubs’ bandwagon, and watch the razor-crisp LCD nav-screens snap to life like you’re on the deck of a spaceship, the vicarious thrill of dominating an opponent is amplified by the seductive, scalp-tingling high that comes from knowing you’re smarter than him, too.

Rooting for the Warriors is buying Microsoft shares in 1990; it’s being in the room at Bletchley Park when Turing broke Enigma; it’s getting to name-drop Steph Curry (the most relatable superstar who grew up the rich son of an NBA player ever) and be on a first-name basis with the most famous sports toddler in the game. To roll in the Dubs’ wagon is to feel that you’re not just rooting for a great team, you’re making the game of basketball better.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

The Startup Chemistry of the Milwaukee Bucks
How Giannis and Co. will disrupt NBA stardom

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

I don't like white rappers.