I was walking down Michigan Avenue this weekend when I saw a man in a wheelchair with a cup on it. Well, I was feeling full of the Christmas spririt so I was about to throw a quarter in it. Then I realized that it was a Starbuck's cup full of coffee and the man was no beggar at all, but in fact Dr. Stephen Hawking. Well, how could I pass up an opportunity like this, so I asked Stephen if he was interested in going to grab a drink. He punched in the response "fuck yeah" into his computer, so away we went to Rush Street.
Now I figured a man of his caliber would be interested in an expensive liquor, but it was Stephen Hawking, so I called first round. To my surprise he called out for a PBR. I asked him how he could digest that piss water and he responded "my taste buds are deader than an American tourist in an Indian hotel".
Well the night went on and we were getting sloppy. The good doctor was so wasted even his computer was slurring its speech. We talked about space and time and how Zorich would have had a 15 year career if Ditka had just moved him to linebacker.
Then the doctor paused for a moment and said "I can show you something new about black holes up in my hotel room". Maybe it was the beer or simply the excitement of the day but I said "tell me everything you know".
The next morning I woke up in a strange bed with the limp body of a noble prize winner wrapped around me. Talk about an odd set of circumstances. Anyway, I told Stevie that no one at the Redacted message board would believe this story so I had to take a picture. So I put the camera on a timer and jumped back into bed. I had it immediately developed and he autographed it for me. I asked if I could upload the picture to the site and he said sure. Unfortunately, due to bigfan's recent restrictions, the picture will not post.
We said our goodbyes knowing it would be forever. I embraced him one last time as tears welled in both our eyes. As I walked out the door he said "Wait, one last thing". "Yes" I said as I eagerly awaited the final words of one of history's greatest minds..."tell that dickhead STU GOTZ to learn how to properly use the word fodder in a sentence and his picks suck."
True story.
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