HHSOTD:
here's your theme song / preferred background music for this postALSO, WARNING: THIS IS TLDR. I AM BITCHING ABOUT THE 4TH OF JULY. YOU DON'T LIKE ME. BOTH YOU, ME, AND EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS I BABBLE/TALK-TOO-MUCH SO IF YOU'RE GOING TO SLAG ME OFF FOR BEING LONGWINDED CAN YOU PLEASE DO SO WITH A MODICUM OF WIT AT LEAST? THX. OTHERWISE, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO GET OUT NOW AND ENJOY SOMETHING TRULY PATRIOTIC. DON'T SAY YOU HAVENT BEEN WARNED!ok guys, i hate to be a tease on the holidays and all that.... but you lot ere roughly 6 inches to one foot away from never having to ever read a sinicalyptical post in your life. no this isn't a crude thing to reference the size of my dad's hogl it has to do with the most annoying holiday on the yearly calendar: the fourth of july!
the fourth of july is essentially the quintessential summer classic of a holiday; unlike memorial day where it's like *wanking motion* ok the weather SHOULD be pretty good (73, 87, 62, 95, 88 over the last 5 years) and yeah you can barbeque and shit, it's all about some dead veterans (thats a bummer, dude) and the START of the "summer season" so yeah you take the day off and maybe thank some soldier for their service and if you're looking for an excuse to see <5-times-per-year friends-n-family well hey you got one get your grill on and etc.
the 4th of july is a bigger deal cuz everybody is looking for a reason to celebrate themselves. that's right, even tho it's "america's birthday" hey we are here and we WERE america (as now it's a corporate paradise and we're just kind of allowed to live here and we make the best of it. seeing as it's ~2weks past the summer solstice or equinox or whatever (june 21st = longest day of the year) the weather will be decidedly summer, the mosquitos will start to come out (cuz who doesn't wanna suck the life out of white people nowadays?) the grilling/drinking is in full effect and of course the most quintessential part of the 4th of july: EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!
yeah there's nothing quite like celebrating the default greatness of a country that doesnt have wars on its own soil (inb4 "war on terrorism" and now since NBC News reports white middle class americans are the #1 terrorist threat, welp, they've wanted to roll out the DHS army for quite some time so if white ppl are your #1 target well then in the immortal words of tran from that clip that they used to play on The Soup-- "here go hell come!") you're going to take this opportunity today on YEEHAW AMERICA DAY!!!! aka WE ARE THE FUCKING SHIT!!!!! day to blow up as many things as you can and make the place sound like a fucking warzone. the irony of that was never lost on me once i hit the age of reason/recall, however getting back to the 6-12" tease (again..... why is your mind in the gutter? =) i had already had a personal experience that soured me to the whole timeless institution of blowing shit up in the name of AMERICA!!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!!!!
when i was younger like aged 8-13 we used to go over to my 2nd-3rd cousons' house in elk grove. they lived a 5min drive from us, and it was our tradition to see thm every year (they were the "gross" cousins like you let them play your sega genesis once and the controllers were sticky for the next 4-5 days. i have no idea how the fuck they got so dirty to leave that kind of a fresidue on controllers, but they did. when we were a little bit older (like 13/9 for me-n-lilbro specifically) i can remember my mom having to stop over there to exchange coupons wiht bernie or something and me and my bro would stay in the car to avoid nicole and brittney, who would come running outside when my mom entered the door and we'd lock ourselves in the car while they desperately tried to do everything they could have short of breaking the glass to get in. what would they do if they got in? i have no idea. prolly just be like HEY WERE IN THE CAR WITH YOU... HAHAHAHHAHA!!! HAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHA OH MY GOD YEAH EVERYONE LET'S ALL BOUNCE TOGETHER AND SHAKE THE CAR..... i mean nicole was like ~2-3 years younger than me so she was in between me and my brother (4-5 years back) and brittney had to be 5-7 years back. nicole was always nuts like she was the token girl in the family who was like I'LL SHOW YOU MINE IF YOU SHOW ME YOURS and she'd drag me into the bathroom and show me how she peed and stuff. hell one traumatizing thing when i was a kid was when she found a birds nest in her front yard and grabbed the nest completre with ~4-5 little eggs in it and proceeded to smash them step on them and throw them up against the wall whil i was aghast; all those reasons and especially the sticky controllers = we always locked the doors and hid for dear life cuz neither of us wanted to be dragged down to their level.
hell, one of the later 4th of julys when i was like 16-17 i was hanging out with a few of my friends and nicole came up to us like "HEY LET ME HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS..... I'VE GOT WEED!!!" (she was on record saying my friend ray was "hella cute" and if you knew ray.... lol. just fucking lol. i always found it totally 100% pitch fucking perfect that the most foul smells in the universe came fdrom this dude's asshole because his farts were legit deadly (if we were in his car and he had a heroic fart lined up he'd often roll up/lock the windows and make us breathe it in, which led to gagging and could seriously lead to a heart attack / stroke / something ---- even if you had to go to the bathroom something bad you didnt go in the bathroom after ray for a good "thirty to fourty-five mintues... better yet, make it an hour!" - john witherspoon from friday.
so yeah the symbolism of him being a wholesale generator of the worst smells in the universe is awesome, and my lil cousin was such a whore i think she wanted him cuz she figured he'd be attainable cuz we had a legit pretty boy and a wannabe pretty boy in the group and then a guy we simply called "white trey" in the group (his family LITERALLY had a cable spool coffee tabll @ their trailer park home) and yeah..... she basically tried using the weed to roll with us cuz she wanted to fuck ray something fierce (she would outright admit it later. would you believe she had a kid by 17-19? lol that kid's proly 15-18 right now. goddamn how time flies) and we tried blackmailing her for the weed that we'd get her in trouble for having weed if she didnt break us off some,p so she learned her lesson and thankfully ray never managed to end up entring the outskirts of my family's gene pool so he can go fuck off and be too good to talk to me in his palacial estate in elgin with his heifer wife and his twin daughtrs. lol dude he grew up with a mother and 2 sisters
welp 4th of july circa ages 8-13 for me = we'd go over there and hang oout and run around like wild borneos outside (i remember playing tag witth my bro nicole brittney and some neighbor kid and her dad, already half in the bag and working on his next one, sees me chasing her to tag her and grabs me as i run and choke-holds me against the side of the house and says "IF YOU WANNA GET TO MY DAUGHTER YOU GO THROUGH ME, YOU GOT THAT MOHTERFUCKER?!?!?!"
i guess he really wanted his daughter to win at tag, eh?
welp at one point during one of these 4th of july hoedowns (before me and my brother tapped out on having ANYTHING to do with them) me and nicole and maybe britt and/or jeff decided to run down charing cross rd around the corner to the park at the end of the street. for whatever reason everyone was way ahead of me cuz i had to pee or hit the snack table again or something stupid, so i was like a minute or two behind so not wanting to be left out of the good times i took to running down the sidewalk as fast as i could to get to the park ASAP. while i'm running all of a sudden out of nowhere it's just like BOOM!!!!!!!!!AD;JFGAPSDJFG and a giant flash of hot hot light accompaniexd by a fireball that was roughly the size of my body blows up tight in my face only close enough to singe off like 1/4 of my bushy eyebrows/eyelashes. honestly i have no idea what the fuck i did right away, i think i must have stopped somehiow or the explosion/fireball was simply in front of me for a split second then went away..... but suffice to say it scared the living fuck out of me because i was likely 6-12" away from having the fireball hti me, and if it didnt blow up and melt at least half of my body like 2-face from batman maybe it kills me outright? i have no idea what happens when you get hit by an explosion like that and god willing i'll never find out even to that's the kind of intrepid reporting you guys have come to expect from your humble reporter and protagonist "telling it like it is" david kaplan style out in the field of excellence.
so after the near-getting-blowed-up, i look up at the house where this happened (cuz the M80/quarter-stick/half-stick/whatever was placed at the base of the tree between the sidewalk and the streeet in the villages' strip of land) and i see two teenagers/20somethings/etc quickly GTFO and run inside their house and close the drapes. young/er sini wasn't a vindictive sort and was happy-go-lucky and all kinds of pure and innocent, so the thought to tattle on them never crossed my mind as i regrouped myself and continued running to the park.... albeit this time along the curb on the street. after linking up with everyone and telling them an amazing story that they didn't have any interest in hearing in any way/shape/form (it truly is the story of my life)
i think it hit me later that night just what happened and how close i was to getting severely fucked up (cuz at the time you got adrenaline and little 10 year old hyperactive boy energy and RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH so you just kind of slide and roick on with the singed eyebrows cuz dammit you werent gonna be left behind and miss out on all the fun at the park, and that you certainly didn't. and from that experience onwards i always managed to be extra faclempt come july 4th and make sure i stay as far away as possible from explosions on the 4th, especially when there's alcohol involved as you traverse into/through the teenage years/20s.
and you know at every 4th of july party/gathering there's always one guy who drove to wisconsin/indiana/michigan/ohio/whatever to get the GOOD SHIT thats not legal in illinois.... and they get all hosed and bust out the fireworks cuz they gotta show everyone that they are that kind of explosive dude.... and they're usually an annoying asshole / total mug (the irony of me saying this RIGHT NOW is NOT lost on me btw =/ ) and they're all about BOOM BOOM BOOM cuz >MUH DANGER and >MUH BADASSEDNESS and >MUH LIVING ON THE EDGE and of course >MUH AMERICA..... FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but rally they've just gone out of their way to get some festive props which they can brandish in public to show off that they're mr. 4th of july woohoo IF YOU'RE NOT THE LIFE OF THE PARTY YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF EVERYONE -- JAWBREAKER
but hey speaking of death, i stared it in the face when i was a kid thanks to the 4th of july and some people who had no good festive reason to blow up something so they just placed it at the base of a tree right next to the sidewalk and watched from ~30-50ft away and i'll be damned if i didnt nearly run into the explosion. i hope they got what thy wanted out of the experience cuz i have no idea how a country sounding like a warzone with explosions every few seconds = celebrating the fact that we used to be really free and now we've been bought and sold to corporate people (meaning corporations who are people) who will get down on some fascism at the very very top while we've all god communismn..... and hey white people are now the #1 terrorist threat in the usa (insert picture of confederate flag belt buckle cuz you know society as a whole [read: the media/TPTB] just up and decided no more confederate flag just because >MUH FEELINGS and likely >MUH PSYOP to start fucking with people who fit the generic mold of the "white american terrorist" (southerner. militia. there to "fight" for freedom and constitution. oldschool sensibilities re: patriotism/etc. ---- take away their flag and their symbol of a group of people coming together to stand up for somethiing they believe in, no matter how horribly wrong it might be, and take said symbol and arbitrarily get rid of it cuz "resistance is futile. obama's brownshirts army is a-coming. DHS has the equipment. jade helm has the ethos/logos/whatever-OS... and uhhhhh yeah.
ok fuck this tangent and fuck this message cuz all y'all already know i'm sufficiently tinfoil where it counts.... and hey just think if i wasn't a fat pudgy genus name homo-putzoafus and a step or two kicker i might have had the explosion hit me dead on and i woulda been TOASTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY like scorpion from mortal kombat and you never woulda had to read any of my posts here. c'est la fucking vie, no?
instead you lot are stuck with my bullshit so forgive the somber drunken solitude-in-public tongiht.... i always try to avoid going out on the 4th of july because the chances of randomly getting blown up are much much greater, and if you go to the city affectionatly known as "chi-raq", especially on the south and/or west sides.... man police must be going mental out there tongiht cuz i wonder how many guns are being shot in the name of "who can tell" ???
when random gunfire blends into the ambient background noise even when you're out in the suburbs.... man. wake me up when it's july 7th and everyone has shot their wad cuz there is nothing dumber than celebrating a country that's been sold down the river by blowing shit up en masse because OOOOH LOUD NOISE AND PRETTY SHINY FLASHY THINGS.... you know eho else is impressed by that kind of shit? BABIES! MOTHERFUCKING BABIES DUDE!
ok im really really odne now. fuck you 4th of july cuz even when you get rid of all my hackneyed "boo-hoo america used to be a wonderful country now it's a beautiful antiquated concept" shit you're still left with "i nearly died because some simpletons wanted to "celebrate america" by using its birthday as an excuse to blow things up for no reason at all. if i'm going to die at least let thre be a compelling reason.... not "OOOOH I WONDER WHAT THIS LIL DYNAMITE QUARTR STICK BLOWING UP WILL BE LIKE?!"
# sir talkstoomuch, esq.
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Curious Hair wrote:
Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?
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