When did darkside learn to write?
Nicely done.
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| Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder https://mail.chicagofanatics.com/viewtopic.php?f=75&t=101464 |
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| Author: | Darkside [ Sun Jul 17, 2016 7:08 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the weekend, and it's time to vote for some douchebags. Before we get into this week's nominees, let us take a moment and congratulate the Week 3 winner, "People who kill others". That's right, we actually elected murderers to the Douchebag of the week, an honor usually reserved for politicians, board members, slimy athletes and leash... so in retrospect, I guess murderers fit right in. Interesting. Anyway, congratulations murderers, you now have a shot at winning the quarterfinal, and possibly the Douchebag of the year award. I mean, unless there's something worse than murderers out there. Like Karl Malone for example. Or leash. Anyway, this week, we've got: D. Wade's Ex Wife: Siohvaughn Funches and Wade finalized their divorce in something like 2010, and in light of Wade's newest Bulls payday, his wife wants a piece. Of the contract. Not like a piece of Wade. Conns7901 nominated Funches because this bloody divorce has been final for six damn years, and she somehow thinks she's entitled to some of his new earnings. In other hilarious news, her attorney's name is Gooch. Gooch is slang for the spot between your balls and your asshole, which is a fitting place for a lawyer to be named for. Anyway, if you find this douchebaggy, go ahead and vote for her and the goocher. Kids shagging in HR Derby: Beardown apparently witnessed sexually active youngsters at the All Star Home Run Derby. We here at the Douchebag of the Week Home Office do not condone babies doing it, yet we find ourselves perplexed that this nomination came from the only member of the board who is not allowed to be at 31 Flavors or a McDonalds with a play place. I didn't see these kids having... extra curricular activities but I guess it's douchebaggy to do this in public, so if you agree with that, I guess vote for them. All star games and the stupid shit that precedes them: All Star games are the epitome of pointlessness according to Darkside, who notes that the skills games also blow. Although getting to hear Chris Berman ejaculate "back back back" all over the microphone for three and a half hours was entertaining 20 years ago, it has certainly lost it's charm by now. Some people, particularly the ancient and somewhat incontinent Walt Williams like it, most rational human beings understand that it is a worse idea than new math and needs to be stopped immediately for the betterment of mankind. If you agree, vote for All Star Games. This dumb motherfucker: Although it could be opined that the scent of baby shit might improve the atmosphere at Turtles, JORR allowed it to ruin his meal. JORR has ruined many meals, and nice evenings, and wonderful discussions with his own shit display of the love of win/loss records, but this time, it is actual shit rather than metaphorical shit that has caused this uncomfortable situation as a man was changing a dirty diaper right there at the table instead of going into the mens room to do the deed. Who does that? The answer, apparently, is the aforementioned dumb motherfucker. If this kind of behavior is douchey to you, vote for "This Dumb Motherfucker". Taste of Chicago: Speaking of shitty, stinky dining atmospheres, good dolphin brings on the Taste of Chicago. Once upon a time, when every town in America didn't do a Taste/Summer festival, this was one neat event. But now, cities like Milwaukee are blowing away Chicago's efforts, and that is kind of sad. Now, some people might like being packed in small places with thousands of stinking, sweaty, fat people gnawing on turkey legs like it's the last meal they'll ever eat. Once when there with some friends, I saw a guy suddenly get out of a giant mud puddle, screaming at the top of his lungs and lurching at some kids like Swamp Thing. Dude lost his shit. Scared some white people. It was wonderful. Reply to All: Ever see an email to a company wide distribution list that some wise ass motherfucker replies to all? Then, of course, everyone has to reply to all to say stop replying to all. Noted board shitposter, possible murderer, satan worshipper and snappy dresser leashyourkids got sick of it. He was in the center of a reply to all storm of shit. People were threatened with termination by leashes boss and leash, ever the obedient twatwaffle, extended that threat to his charges. These can be very entertaining moments at a corporation, or they can make you want to give yourself 9mm lead poisoning. Leash believes that the reply to all button should die by fire, and if you agree, you can vote here for it. Ryan Dempster: Awful Harry Caray impersonator and real life piece of garbage former pitcher Ryan Dempster was given the honor of singing the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley on Friday and he managed to completely douche it up by doing the entire goddamn inning in a Harry voice (which sounds like Will Farrel doing Harry rather than Harry himself) and disgraced himself considerably in the process. Now, we knew for years that Dempster was a royal jackass, from screwing over the Cubs when they needed to trade him to injuring himself jumping over the dugout railing. Ass Clown. Now because of this nitwittery he has earned himself a douchebag nomination from Darkside. Maybe old Darko missed the boat a bit, as walkerman points out, the Cubs PR team had to have signed off on this nonsense, and are equally to blame. If walkerman and Darko are on to something here, please vote. Well folks, there are your nominations for this week. Please select the biggest douchebag and we'll do this again next week. Thanks for your attention, and as always, screw leash. |
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| Author: | leashyourkids [ Sun Jul 17, 2016 7:48 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
| When did darkside learn to write? Nicely done. |
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| Author: | Peoria Matt [ Sun Jul 17, 2016 8:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
"Noted board shitposter, possible murderer, satan worshipper and snappy dresser" That is a hell of a business card. |
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| Author: | Darkside [ Sun Jul 17, 2016 8:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
Peoria Matt wrote: "Noted board shitposter, possible murderer, satan worshipper and snappy dresser" That is a hell of a business card. The man has goals. |
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| Author: | Darkside [ Thu Jul 21, 2016 8:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
This one tightened up a bit. |
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| Author: | formerlyknownas [ Thu Jul 21, 2016 9:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
leashyourkids wrote: :lol: When did darkside learn to write? Nicely done. His last one was really, really good, too. |
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| Author: | W_Z [ Thu Jul 21, 2016 9:15 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Douchebag of the Week, Week 4, now with less murder |
Darkside wrote: This dumb motherfucker needs to be a rolling thread, or just a rename of the whole section. |
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