Good morning guys! It’s (almost) Friday, and it’s time to vote for some douchebags. Last week, we gave the honors to the High School District 133 Administrators, who were involved in the whole girls basketball slash Arizona scuttlebutt. Crazy shit. But that’s how we like it here.
Anyway, this week we’ve got two douchebags to choose because I totally stroked out last week and forgot it was Friday, and then Saturday, and then it was too late. So we’ve selected
Chicago Baseball: RFDC does what he always does. Bitch bitch bitch. But he’s bitching about Chicago Baseball, which has been quite craptastic to date. Well, at least the date of the nomination. Since then the Cubs have picked it up a bit, and Ozzie… is still pretty crazy. So, it’s at least mildly interesting. Everyone knows that Chicago Baseball comes along with pain, misery, suffering, and agony, just like an RFDC post. Are the teams any less douche since we should have come to expect it, or are they just fucking douchebags anyway? Vote.
Google: They drive around in little trucks, connecting to your wireless network while collecting data about you to sell to others. Seacrest nominated Google in the aftermath of their revelation that they have “mistakenly” collected all your porn habits and credit card numbers. Oops. Who would have thought that a connection to the entire world wide web wasn’t completely and totally secure and safe? Like remember that movie with Angelina Jolie and that fruity guy from the Scooby movie? Anyone can do crazy shit with a computer.
Ron Gochez: Just another America Hating Nazi Baby Throwing Uber Commie Cop Killing Law Hating Possibly Non English Speaking Socialist Che Guerra Loving LaRaza Asshole, per cubbiesgirlshamus, who never, ever mixes up her adjectives. I really have no idea what this nomination was for, but I had included it for the misdirected energy that she put into the nomination. Listen, if you love America, and the first amendment, and the little sweet baby Jesus, and hate fascists and baby shield users, vote for RON GOCHEZ, COMMIE SCUM.
Toyota Truck Driver: NSJ knows a thing or two about out of control lunatics driving with total disregard for people, property and low end eateries. While this driver narrowly missed a local Panera, they were unable to stop themselves from rolling over, spilling people all over the highway. DBOTW crews were able to get the following photograph of the offender:
Chicago Tribune: Nominated repeatedly and deservedly, most recently by Killer V for a ridiculously insensitive headline following the tragic story of the boy who fell into the Chicago River and died. While that sucks, I’d also like to include in the nomination the fact that the Tribune’s sports section completely blows and is filled with horseshit. Personally, they get my vote. Do they get yours?
McDonalds CEO Jim Skinner: This guy was nominated by Joe Orr Road Rod for refusing to retire what is arguably the world’s most recognized mascot in Ronald McDonald. Apparently, Rod things that it’s Ronald’s fault that babies are too fat to throw at gang members and that children are forcing their weak willed parents into mindlessly buying burgers from the clown. Is this CEO protecting a valuable company asset, or is he a douchebag for trying to keep his business in business? Vote!
New York: New York was nominated by Ugueth Will Shiv You because a stadium in New Jersey was recently awarded a Super Bowl. If you can figure that out… well, that’s really something.
Anyone who buys one of these: These being a Western Conference Champions hat. While he might be right, shakes has to muddle the message with his usual assholic nincompoopery. So, although shakes is a total moondick, we can’t hold that against what should actually be a good douchebag candidate. So, is someone who buys a Western Conference Champs hat a douchebag?
Well, folks, these were your top nominees of the last couple weeks. Please remember to vote for two candidates to send to the 2nd quarter semifinals. Folks, be careful out there this weekend, Speed Safely, Persevere.