that was superb, and sublime.
no, i don't think i could have done a better job than that, okay?
| Chicago Fanatics Message Board https://mail.chicagofanatics.com/ |
|
| Juke Box ettiquette https://mail.chicagofanatics.com/viewtopic.php?f=84&t=43469 |
Page 1 of 3 |
| Author: | rogers park bryan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 9:26 am ] |
| Post subject: | Juke Box ettiquette |
Found this article funny 10 Songs You Should Never Play In A Bar March 1st, 2010 | 10:03 am There's nothing worse than having a perfectly good drinking session ruined by a song that either doesn't belong in a bar, has been crammed down your ears too many times, or just plain sucks. All I Wanna Do Sheryl Crow Who Plays It: The 45-year-old wannabe cougar who, despite being totally beaten down by her dead-end job as a real estate agent, thinks she can relate to the free spiritedness this song represents. She could totally drink beer at noon on a Tuesday…if she didn’t have to be at work. And she could totally drive down Santa Monica Boulevard with some guy named Billy or Mac or Buddy…if she didn’t have to pick her kids up from soccer practice. So, instead of going all Thelma and Louise, she ends up dancing with her other cougar friends before calling it a night in time to catch Grey’s Anatomy. Why It Sucks: When played at a bar, it does nothing but get a bunch of middle-aged women with fupas and gunts up on the dance floor who ask the DJ to play "Margaritaville" next. Mr. Brightside The Killers Who Plays It: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, The Killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie. Why It Sucks: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEVVVEERRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar paid for are going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe. It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) R.E.M. Who Plays It: The bespectacled, sweater-wearing grad-schooler who wants to play a song that shows off his knowledge of political and world affairs. He almost put on Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” but then he figured REM might make him look a little hipper. But his inability to talk to the opposite sex compels him to explain every cultural reference in the lyrics. “Did you know Leonid Brezhnev served as leader of the Communist party longer than anyone except Stalin? It’s true. And Lester Bangs was an influential music writer who wrote for Rolling Stone and Creem magazines. Hey, where are you going? ” Why It Sucks: Everyone who hears this song thinks they can sing along, but they always end up screwing up the words. So you get a bar full of people screaming, “That’s great it starts with an earthquake…birds…Lenny Bruce!...hurricane…LEONARD BERNSTEIN…oh wait, that comes later.” Sweet Home Alabama Lynard Skynard Who Plays It: There’s probably a gentleman standing at the bar who’s wearing a flannel shirt with black sleeves. Upon closer inspection, you’ll realize he’s wearing a sleeveless flannel shirt, and what you thought were sleeves are actually a dark, dense fur that’s made a home on in his shoulders and upper arms. He’ll meander up to the juke box and stare it for ten minutes looking through every album twice, because unlike the sex he has with his obese wife, he’s in no rush to finish. When he selects the song, watch closely, because as it begins to play, he’ll say the words “turn it up,” then hold his hand up and when Skynyrd says “turn it up,” he’ll drop his hand down, signifying that he correctly predicted Skynyrd would say this as well. Why It Sucks: If Lynyrd Skynyrd had a Juke Box at their house, I’m pretty sure this wouldn’t be on it. The general rule for determining a song's coolness should be one simple question: has the song been used in a KFC commercial? If the answer is "Yes", then that song is no longer cool. Don't Stop Believing Journey Who Plays It: The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did! But he knows it’s Friday now, time to order some chicken fingers and let loose! Right before he plays the song, he’ll talk to his buddies about how they should totally take a trip to Vegas together. “Fuck it, let’s just do it.” Then they’ll all check their blackberries to find that they either have a prostate exam, a kid’s play to go to, or “wife wants to go see her parents so I kind of gotta keep my weekends open for whenever that will be.” Then they’ll sit in silence until one of them leaves and heads to the juke box to make this ass-kicking selection that reminds them of their youth, back when they still had hope. Why It Sucks: This song is as played out as Steve Perry is ugly. Whenever it’s selected on a juke box, it’s like a time out is being called from having fun. If you still get pumped up for this song, you probably also get pumped up when your wife says stuff like “I rented the first season of that show “The Closer” that my sister recommended. Maybe if I’m not too tired afterwards we’ll have sex or something." Hotel California The Eagles Who Plays It: The college freshman who just “discovered music” and is "getting into" the “deep and heavy lyrics.” This gateway song will lead this young man into an ill-advised Steve Miller concert, Pink Floyd posters on his dorm walls and, tragically, the purchase of a Phish album. If you see these signs in anyone attempting to use the jukebox, call the authorities immediately. Why It Sucks: This song has been played so much even Glenn Frey and Don Henley stab their own ears with icepicks whenever they hear it. Killing someone for playing it is legal in 13 states. I Will Survive Gloria Gaynor Who Plays It: The 39 year old newly divorced woman whose friends have taken her to a bar where they’re all ten years older than the everyone in the bar, including the manager. After a 45 minute session where she and her friends repeatedly convince her that “any guy in this bar would fuck you. I’m telling you, Janice. You show me one other person who’s had three kids and is as hot as you!” she downs her last cosmo and makes a beeline for the juke box. She confidently plays this song, and as the beginning piano solo comes in, she turns around towards her friends as they all excitedly scream in unison, then begin singing. Behind them a group of 25 year old frat guys say “How many beers to take down the grandma?” Why It Sucks: Attempting to empower yourself by singing a '70's disco song tells the whole bar “I have low self esteem. Talk to me later when I’m drunk and there’s a good chance I’ll fuck you.” Anything by The Beatles The Beatles Who Plays It: He or she is around 55 and although they seriously considered a sweet track off of the Beach Boys “Pet Sounds” album, until they decided that "you just can't go wrong with the Beatles." They’re wearing Teva Sandles and a sweater from whatever college their son or daughter attended. They don’t go to the bar that often, but hey, who doesn’t love a good margarita every now and then? Maybe it’ll get them drunk enough to have sex with their significant other who has become disgusting with age! They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.” Why It Sucks: Before you freak the f*ck out, we’re not saying the Beatles suck. The Beatles are a legendary and influential band and because of that, everybody has heard every one of their songs so many times that it feels like you’re living in North Korea and its propaganda spewing from megaphones mounted in the street. Piano Man Billy Joel Who Plays It: The lonely guy wearing a suit who just took off his sportcoat, loosened his tie and undid the top button on his shirt. After ordering a scotch and soda he asks the bartender where he was when this song came out. Instead of listening to the guy's answer, he immediately starts telling him how he came this close to signing to the Mets farm team and how his wife left him because he worked too much and that he really wanted to be a astronaut when he was a kid. Hours later, when he's finally done with his pity party and gets up to leave, he doesn't even notice that the bartender hung himself with a bar towel. Why It Sucks: It makes everyone over 37 all weepy and sad as they sit there and reminisce about all their hopes and dreams that never came true, and it makes everyone under 37 furious with murderous rage because they have to listen to this shitty song one more time. American Pie Don McLean Who Plays It: The 55-year-old hippie who’s long, thinning hair and tie-dyed T-shirt scream desperation for a bye-gone era. He’ll spend the entire 8:32 of this epic ballad telling you how much better things were back in the 1960s because the youth actually fought for something. Then, because this song is so goddamn long, he’ll run out of boring stories and will start telling you his “secrets he learned in ‘Nam” that the government invented cancer and that LSD is the only true form of learning. Once it’s finally over, he’ll ask you to sign a petition to legalize hash. Why It Sucks: It’s an eight-minute long shitty folk ballad that has long outlived it's welcome. It needs to die in a plane crash during a blizzard. |
|
| Author: | W_Z [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:07 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
that was superb, and sublime. no, i don't think i could have done a better job than that, okay? |
|
| Author: | Douchebag [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:08 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
This is my usual jukebox playlist. What do I do now? |
|
| Author: | Spaulding [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:11 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Don't play more than one song per artist. |
|
| Author: | Chus [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:17 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
This is hilarious, because a buddy and I were just talking about songs that you never need to hear again for the rest of your life. Hotel California, American Pie, and Sweet Home Alabama made our list. |
|
| Author: | rogers park bryan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:19 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
The Killers Who Plays It: The wanna-be hipster. That’s right, he’s not a hipster, but he is choosing to become one. That’s like being potty trained and choosing to shit your pants. Unfortunately for him, The Killers lost hipster credibility when they became profitable to a record label. So, even though he’s wearing a t-shirt featuring the tour dates of a band he’s never heard of, and really really tight jeans, once he’s popped this song on, other hipsters react like a Klu Klux Klansman hearing his buddy quote a Martin Lawrence movie. Why It Sucks: The sound of the lead singer bellowing “I NEEVVVEERRR” towards the end of the song is reminiscent of the sound a man makes when he inadvertently sits on his testicles. The worst part about this song being picked in a juke box is that someone is definitely trying to say something about themselves, thus the next two selections his dollar paid for are going to be even more shitty emo. By the end, you’ll want to take the Pabst Blue Ribbon he’s forcing himself to drink and lodge it in your windpipe. Winner
|
|
| Author: | Spaulding [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Don't get the Sweet Home Alabama hate. Definitely Hotel California and American Pie. Throw in Free Bird and Stairway. |
|
| Author: | Krazy Ivan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
rogers park bryan wrote: Don't Stop Believing Journey 
|
|
| Author: | Urlacher's missing neck [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
This reminds me of this one time when I was at a pool hall in dekalb and some assclown went and played that "I would do anything for love" Meatloaf song. I returned the favor by putting in 5 dollars and playing the long version of it 12 times in a row just before ducking out for the night. |
|
| Author: | rogers park bryan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:23 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
I love Bob Marley Legend. But Ive had enough of it. Are those his only 12 songs? |
|
| Author: | Urlacher's missing neck [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:23 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
no one follows the rule of not playing that god damn journey song either. Guaranteed to play at least once everytime I have been at the bar here in town. |
|
| Author: | doug - evergreen park [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:24 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
funny. The Killers are emo? I'm not understanding all the Pabst hate...That stuff was everywhere when I was a kid. |
|
| Author: | Douchebag [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:27 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Any song by Toby Keith really grinds my gears. This bar I used to frequent in Lombard loved to play a ton of shitty country. What is with the suburbs and shittty country? I hear it all the time out here. Luckily the Big & Rich fad has seemed to have died down finally. |
|
| Author: | W_Z [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:50 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
i also hate it when 30-32 year old women who've had one too many sex on the beach's and decide that at this moment they NEED to hear "livin' on a prayer" or something by new kids on the block. i still drink pabst; just not around hipsters. |
|
| Author: | Krazy Ivan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 10:51 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
First time I had a pabst was at Doug's show. It was cheap and I needed beer... |
|
| Author: | A7X [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:14 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Hilarious article! I'll add a few more that make me wanna smash the beer bottle on the bar and slash someone's throat. 1. There's a Tear In My Beer- Hank Jr. When I was in my bar hopping heyday 20 years ago, some assclown would invariably play this song 3-5 times. 2. I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing- Aerosmith. I refuse to acknowledge this pussy ass ballad. That goes for any song Aerosmith song written by Linda Perry. If you're no longer capable of writing your own music, get the fuck out of the business! Speaking of Linda Perry... 3. What's Goin' On?- 4 Non Blondes. Should be called 4 no talent Caller Bobs. Only made worse when every drunk bitch wants to catterwall the "Hey, hey, hey" part. 4. Get The Party Started- Pink. Do you mean let's bring the "party" to a screeching halt? 5. Freebird- Lynrd Skynrd. In the same vein as Sweet Home Alabama. They are one of my favorite bands, but I was unaware they only released two songs. They have so many great ones. Diversity is your friend. Always played by some hillbilly that thinks Larry the Cable Guy's outfit is hip. 6. ANYTHING BY AC/DC- We've heard all the songs a million times!!! And a great song like Sin City or Kicked In The Teeth is never gonna be on a jukebox. 7. You Can't Always get What You Want- Rolling Stones. No, but I can get the hell out of the bar when this comes on. Are we all supposed to stare at our drinks pensively and get all retrospective? Fuck you! 8. Girls, Girls, Girls- Motley Crue. Unless I'm watching some 19 year old skank, that daddy "loved" a little too much fucking a stripper pole while this songs playing, I have no use for it. 9. All Of My Love- Led Zeppelin. I'm sorry, who decided the bar needed to hear the worst Zeppelin song ever committed to vinyl? Oh, now I see. It's the fat ass couple making out at the table. If my 7th Long Island ice tea comes back up, guess who's catching it? 10.ANY JIMMY BUFFET SONG. Margaritaville has been mentioned already. To me they're all interchangeable. I've never gotten this guys appeal, but it's made him a millionaire. See PT Barnum I sure there's 50 more if I thought about it, and wasn't high as a kite on Vicoden (fucking ice!). Would like to hear other people's picks. |
|
| Author: | Krazy Ivan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:18 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Alright, smart guys. What should be played? What are your top jukebox songs? |
|
| Author: | Free Ajent [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:18 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Krazy Ivan wrote: Alright, smart guys. What should be played? What are your top jukebox songs? start a new thread 
|
|
| Author: | Krazy Ivan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:19 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Frajent. Don't start with me. I'm drinking really bad coffee and I'm pissed at the world... |
|
| Author: | doug - evergreen park [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:20 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
just go to the Cobra lounge. a steady dose of Mastodon, Dillinger Escape Plan, and Corrosion of Conformity. you know...stuff that's good. 
|
|
| Author: | Douchebag [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:20 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Krazy Ivan wrote: Frajent. Don't start with me. I'm drinking really bad coffee and I'm pissed at the world... You took last night's loss pretty hard, eh? |
|
| Author: | beni hanna [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
PBR in a bottle is absolutely the best of all inferior American macro brews. Finish that sucker before lodging it in some orifice. Marley not on Legend that deserves a listen starts here...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCKf0i_moOg |
|
| Author: | Free Ajent [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Krazy Ivan wrote: Frajent. Don't start with me. I'm drinking really bad coffee and I'm pissed at the world... http://www.iampissedoff.com/ oh and join the fucking club. |
|
| Author: | sjboyd0137 [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:22 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Spaulding wrote: Don't get the Sweet Home Alabama hate. It's overplayed and godawful. And the KFC commercial comment was spot on. Douchebag wrote: Any song by Toby Keith really grinds my gears. This bar I used to frequent in Lombard loved to play a ton of shitty country. What is with the suburbs and shittty country? I hear it all the time out here. Luckily the Big & Rich fad has seemed to have died down finally. Having gone to high school in the 90's in the suburbs, everyone seemed to go in different directions music-wise. People in my school that were into grunge found their way backwards into bands like Zeppelin, the Who, and other assorted "heavy" classic rock. People that were into poop, I mean Pop worked their way backwards and found themselves into country. They are the same ones who listen to the Mix and watch the E! channel, often referring to it as the "news". They rely on people to tell them what they like, as opposed to forming their own opinions on what they like. Now, before this turns into "sjboyd hates country music", let me establish, I DO hate current POP COUNTRY, i.e. Carrie Underwood, Big & Rich, Rascal Flats, etc. I DO NOT hate classic country, because I feel that without people like Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and even Hank Williams, some of the music that I enjoy now would sound completely different. |
|
| Author: | Krazy Ivan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:23 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Douchebag wrote: Krazy Ivan wrote: Frajent. Don't start with me. I'm drinking really bad coffee and I'm pissed at the world... You took last night's loss pretty hard, eh? I thought #20 Joe Alexander was going to help mount a comeback... 
|
|
| Author: | rogers park bryan [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:23 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
Krazy Ivan wrote: Alright, smart guys. What should be played? What are your top jukebox songs? good point. Just as annoying when the hipster does the bar a favor by playing the most obscure track of the most obscure album in the box and acts like he's spreading culture. In reality he read that this band once opened for the Clash and figures, any relation to the Clash= cool. |
|
| Author: | A7X [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:29 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
doug - evergreen park wrote: just go to the Cobra lounge. a steady dose of Mastodon, Dillinger Escape Plan, and Corrosion of Conformity. you know...stuff that's good. +1 I like the way you think. I'd love to hang with you sometime. The musical discussions could be great. I think we would do our fair share of disagreeing, but I think we'd agree more than not. Mastodon should be HUGE! They are so fucking good. March Of The Fire Ants is incredible. I'm curious Doug, what did you think of Crack The Skye? I've heard mixed reviews from hardcore fans. |
|
| Author: | W_Z [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:38 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
i'd rather hear something obscure than something i've heard a million times. a lot of times people want to impress with the jukebox. i usually play weezer or dylan or something that i think is fun. one time i did play a nick cave & the bad seeds song. the energy in the bar went pretty south pretty quickly. |
|
| Author: | doug - evergreen park [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:42 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
i like crack the skye more than blood mountain, but leviathan will always be top dog. btw: where the hell are there jukeboxes aside from pool halls and bowling alleys? doesn't every place have a d.j. or let the bartenders choose nowadays... |
|
| Author: | spanky [ Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:43 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Juke Box ettiquette |
doug - evergreen park wrote: btw: where the hell are there jukeboxes aside from pool halls and bowling alleys? doesn't ever place have a d.j. or let the bartenders choose nowadays... I was thinking along these lines - I don't think I've put $ in a jukebox since college.... Most smaller bars have some sort of satellite feed for their music too. |
|
| Page 1 of 3 | All times are UTC - 6 hours [ DST ] |
| Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group https://www.phpbb.com/ |
|