Absurdity of it All
ABSURDITY OF IT ALL SPECIAL: Your Absurd WrestleMania 28 Questions Absurdly Answered

Mar 26, 2012 - 12:37:04 PM
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By Shane McKinley, PWTorch Absurdity specialist

“There’s only so much of this
That I’m gonna take
You’re wasting all my time
Goodbye, you suck”
- “Goodbye, You Suck” by Shiloh

‘Sup, y’all. Welcome to “Your Absurd WrestleMania Questions Absurdly Answered,” to be read on your iPhone while speeding and listening to loud dubstep. Off we go…

How sick of the Rock-Cena feud are you?

I’m coughing and puking up a lung here. I feel fans should get some award for making it to Monday’s night PPV lead-in show, considering that these big bozos were rapping and rocking to fill up time. Yes, there were some highlights, but most of the stuff fans got were half-baked leftovers and catchphrases that will never get over in any universe, WWE’s or otherwise.

Considering the success of his pre-taped segments over to his stinky live performances, should Rock pre-tape his WrestleMania match?

(Rock throws a punch on-screen)

Cole: Cena is rocked with that one!

Better than seeing the Rock stop the match and ask for a re-take.

Which WrestleMania match can you already play inside your mind?

Cena-Rock. Admit it, you already know what’s going to go down. Pro-Rock crowd. Some Cena supporters. Lots of man posing and taunting. And at the end, these legends put aside their Twitter feud and shake hands. Cena turning heel is out of the equation for me, because …





Oh yeah. A-Train’s coming back, and he needs a big, dumb, boring babyface to fight. He’s evil, because he’s got magic markers on his head. You see, magic marker = interesting character.

Seriously, whatever hope there was of Cena turning heel (like before)…that ol’ familiar cold “Cash Cow Cena” reality comes back in force, time after time.

Holy crap, I had no idea that Extra’s Maria Menonous was in this year’s WrestleMania.

You’re not alone.

What is the weak point of this show?

The mid-card, or more specifically, Orton vs. Kane and Rhodes vs. Big Show. I don’t know anybody who’s really jonesing for these two tan metrosexuals to fight these big gigantic freaks. I’m giving more love to Orton vs. Kane, as that has more potential to be an upside. I’m going into the thing thinking it’s Kane’s last match, because thinking about the current feud storyline isn’t working.

Which Punk family member will Jericho expose next?

“Dicky” Punk, the cute little jack terrier dog of Punk, will be exposed for soliciting underage girls for sex. How could you, Dicky?

I’m in the minority of this Jericho-Punk storyline. Of course, it’s not the best thing in the world. Of course, in a perfect world the world championships would mean more and gas would cost a buck a gallon. Too bad in reality that before Jericho was talking about Punk’s family, their feud was getting way overshadowed by Rock-Cena and Taker-Trips.

I don’t know how you write four weeks of shows with each guy going, “No, I’m the best in the world."

I mean, guys, it's not like Jericho called Punk's sister a slut. That's Rush Limbaugh territory.

This feud needed a spark, and it also needed a clear, broad stroke of heelish villainy so that there’s no doubt that Jericho is heel. I tell myself that when this feud teeters on being exploitive. Like exploiting sweet little 10-year-old Samatha Punk, who is the worst of the bunch: She watches wrestling PPVs online illegally.





You’re not seriously supporting this 12-man tag starring a bunch of goofs, are you?

Yes. Yes I am. The storyline stinks. The match will star chickens with their heads cut off. The announcers will work themselves up in a fervor as Laurinaitis and Long awkwardly try to pretend fight. It’s the type of match that the guys treat nothing more than a WrestleMania payday. After the match, those guys get paid while we’re stuck with a guy with a underwhelming face/heel character to run things.

But, it will give Miz something to do at the show. The fricking guy who fricking retained the fricking WWE championship last year will, in some form or another, be at the show. I don’t care if Miz has to put on a white mask and do a Shane Douglas move. I will be flabbergasted if Miz doesn’t show his face.

What will be the better Indy Schmuck match?

C.M. Punk wants to be Daniel Bryan oh so badly, but truth be told Punk’s in a much better position in facing Jericho. I’m thinking that the Jericho-Punk match will be a slower burn, but better overall. Bryan & Sheamus have an uphill battle to get the fans into it. The Bryan-Sheamus match is weird because, to me, it’s the Bryan show with the addition of A.J. Whatever allure there was about Sheamus in this match is dashed when you remember, “Oh yeah, he already became World Champion."

How can WWE get more WrestleMania buys?

“If you RT a special phrase on Twitter that we flash on-screen during WrestleMania, you’ll be entered to win a John Cena garden gnome! Warning: If unholy John Cena garden gnome consumes your mind, we will not be held responsibl."

Why did Sting give Hulk Hogan back the reigns of TNA?

Because the Stinger is a fan of the sex tape.

Ok, not really a Wrestlemania question, but it should be discussed. Another TNA psychotic storyline decision. Who else were they going to give it to? Dixie Carter? Her on-screen character sucks. Her main talent is being screamed at and spat upon by Bobby Roode, who's angry all the time that a sex tape hasn't been released about him. Seriously, good things happen when your sex tapes are released to the world.

As a TNA fan you have to constantly press the “reset” button on your brain to forget all of the “oh my gosh this is so important” storyline, characters, and feuds and instead focus on Direct Auto Insurance, NFL stars, and Calfzilla. So, just press reset and don’t think that it’s not at all lame to watch ancient Hogan and ancient Sting do their shtick again. It's so not lame. It's kewl.

_________________
“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.” ~ Dr. Suess


Nice Guys Finish Last

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