Some I liked...some real...some not


2. Jewish people throughout the world will once again remind everyone that Ryan Braun is, in fact, NOT Jewish.
7. The Cubs will finish in last place, causing me to call for a boycott of the Ricketts family, who have NO idea what they are doing.
9. DARWIN BARNEY will hit 10 HRs, solve the Russia/Ukraine crisis and have sex with your mother without you caring because hey, HE'S DARWIN BARNEY!
10. I will say the words "Who the hell is this?" at least 10 times while watching the Cubs before the All-Star break.
11. The Cubs new mascot, Clark, will show up drunk at a game in early June, providing the most embarrassing moment since the Ricketts announced they knew baseball.
17. The St. Louis Cardinals will win the NL Central by at least seven games.
21. I will receive at least 30 angry comments from guys named Sully saying "YOUUU DAN'T UNDERSTANDDDD HOW HAAHHHDDD PEDROIAAAA PLAYS!"
26. A.J. Pierzynski will become the first Caucasian Red Sox to ever be hated by their fan base.
27. My man-crush Don Orsillo, play by play guy for NESN, will continue to ignore me on Twitter.
35. A Florida legislator will propose a bill deeming the home run fountain at Marlins Park "too gay" and ask that it be removed immediately for a stick that pops out of a hole when the Marlins hit a HR.
38. Ryne Sandberg will be criticized early by the Philadelphia media, leading to me writing a 4,000 word column on why Philadelphia doesn't deserve Sandberg.
41. Justin Verlander will NOT win 15 games. MARK IT!
44. On the 25th anniversary of the release of Major League, people will finally realize it is a horrible movie and, hopefully, stop quoting it.
45. Adam Dunn (he's still in the league?) will somehow top his record for strikeouts in a season.
46. I will regret this statement if Adam Dunn's wife, who went to high school with me, reads the previous sentence. Hi Rachel!
55. The Tigers will win the AL Central by 8 games.
61. Astros fans will continue to be confused when they can't find their team in the NL Central standings.
63. Mitch Moreland will continue the family tradition of completely misplaying fly balls.
64. Only Cubs fans will understand the previous statement.
72. Jewish people worldwide will try to claim Paul Goldschmidt as one of their own.
75. The 4-5-6 order of Tulowitzi, Michael Cuddyer and Justin Morneau will give the Rockies the whitest power hitting trio since segregation.
76. Peyton Manning will be asked to throw out the first pitch at the Rockies' home opener. He will shake off the catcher four times before calling timeout.
77. No Padres player will reach 20 HRs or 85 RBIs.
80. Clayton Kershaw will win 20 games and lead the league in ERA.
81. Our editor, Ray Guilfoyle, will form his own "The Fan" type relationship with Kershaw.
87. Jim Harbaugh will show up for a Giants practice but will then be banned from the facility after punching "that hippie son-of-a-bitch" Tim Lincecum.
89. The Giants will win the NL West while the Dodgers win a wild card spot.
97. The Giants will beat the Dodgers in 6 games as Puig is called back to Cuba to fight for his motherland in the ongoing war against Ecuador.
98. The Tigers will win the World Series, bringing economic development back to Detroit and making it a major force once again just like the Saints winning the Super Bowl "built all those new homes in New Orleans" and made "all of the damage from Hurricane Katrina disappear".

_________________
"That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously." Banky
“Been that way since one monkey looked at the sun and told the other monkey ‘He said for you to give me your fuckin’ share.’”