Ozzie is just jealous that Oney's Twitter feed gets more hits than Ozzie ever did.

Did you hear the one about Santo and Hawk on their way to the Hall of Fame? Neither did the voters.

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

I'm not saying Ginger Zee is easy but she gets wet when she hears the Barometer is going down.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Ranger: A lot has been said about an certain person making dumb ass comments. Some people say he is not fit to be on the radio or even have a twitter account that people read. Some say he's just a dumb ass, angry drunk that only has a voice because of an association with a more prominent person. I would just like to say that I agree. Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to publicly apologize to all of you for Matt Abbatacola.

Roast crowd: (Loudest laughter of the night)

Drinky: Fuck you Ranger!!!! Fuck you roast crowd!!!! Fuck you Dan Bernstein!!!! I hate you!!!! I hate all of you!!!!!

This thread was a great idea until Beardown showed up.

_________________

That's usually the case.

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This is my signature...

Ranger: "Remember that time Bob Collins crashed his plane into a building? Yeah, that sure was something."

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-"God is great. Beer is good. And People are crazy!"

Ranger: Now, I shall get to Laurence Holmes. On second thought, no, despite this being a roast he'll call me a racist for whatever I say.

Crowd: :lol:

Larry: That's racist!!!! That's racist!!!!

Ranger: See, it didn't even take me saying anything. Just the fact that I was about to say something did it.

Crowd:

Larry: Sometimes I dream about stabbing white people!!!!

White people in the crowd:

Larry:

Ranger: (Sensing things have gone horribly wrong, he quickly segways into "Drinky and Goff jokes" and moves past this awkward moment like the smooth pro that he is. The white people at Larry's table quickly get up and move.)

I'm not saying Larry's short, but at one of his remotes in the northern suburbs somone tried to dress him in jockey silks with a lantern and display him on their driveway.

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Beardown shall always have a seat at the table in my threads

_________________
O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

_________________
-"God is great. Beer is good. And People are crazy!"

Ranger: Remember Jen Patterson everybody? She got fired for banging a Blackhawk? Some say she has no ethics. I disagree. I'm here to say that she never banged Goff, Drinky or Larry while working at the Score. Wouldn't even talk to them. Goes to show you, everybody has standards.

Roast Crowd:

Ranger: Christ, even Oney and Ozzie Jr have a shot with her. But not Larry, Goff and Drinky.

Roast Crowd:

Ranger: For the love of God, Jen once said to me "If I just douce Ronnie Woo Woo with a bottle of cologne, I'd do him. He is a celebrity after all." But, once again, she wouldn't even look at Drinky, Goff and Larry.

Roast Crowd:

Ranger: Alright, that's enough. I'll leave those three alone.

Roast Crowd: We want more!!!! We want more!!!! We want more!!!!

bad.

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"He is a loathsome, offensive brute
--yet I can't look away."

Ranger: Oney Guillen...

Roast Crowd:

Ranger: That's it. That's the punch line ladies and gentlemen. I'll say it once again...Oney Guillen.

Roast Crowd:

Please stop.

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-"God is great. Beer is good. And People are crazy!"

Ranger: Look at this ladies and Gentlemen. Terry Boers, Laurence Homes and Dan Bernstein are sitting at the same table. What do you know, they're in the exact same formation as when they do their daily transition. Dan has his hand up Terry's back and Laurence has his hand down Dan's pants.

Roast Crowd:

Ranger: Hey Ozzie, there is not much difference between dating a weather girl and putting Bobby Jenks in the 9th. It's great and satisfying when you close the deal, but it's holy hell every step of the way to that point. And when it's over they're both crying in your office over some bullshit that you have to pretend to care about.

Roast Crowd:

Ranger: Ozzie, what's the difference between Ozzie Jr. and Bobby Jenks? Ozzie Jr. is the alcoholic you can't trade.

CROWD:

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Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Matthew, Tulsi, and Don

You're a goddamn moron but that was pretty fucking funny.

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Ranger: As you all know, we're about a week away from black history month. Laurence Holmes reminds me of this every day of February for as long as I've known him. He yells it at me in a threatening way. It's kind of weird. Anyway, many fine, talented, upstanding, high integrity, dignified, distinguished African-American athletes and media members are in this room tonight. It's an honor to be in your presence. Goff and Holmes are here too.

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Proud member of the white guy grievance committee

It aint the six minutes. Its what happens in those six minutes.

Ok, so Larry knows Mike Martz, whats the point?

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Proud member of the white guy grievance committee

It aint the six minutes. Its what happens in those six minutes.

I am not trying to say that Ozzie Guillen speaks English poorly, but he is virtually unintelligible.

Ozzie Guillen and another guy walk into a bar. Ozzie Guillen orders a drink. The bartender says: "What did you say? I could not understand a word of what you said."

I do not want to imply that Ozzie Guillen was a weak hitter, but he did not really hit too many home runs in his career.

I do not want anyone to think that Ozzie Guillen uses a lot of foul language, but they have to "bleep" him a lot during interviews.

Ozzie Guillen enters his home wearing a tuxedo. His wife says: "Why are you wearing a tuxedo?" Ozzie Guillen says: "The doctor says I am impotent. And if I am impotent, I wish to look impotent."

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1923-1927-1928-1932-1936-1937-1938-1939
1941-1943-1947-1949-1950-1951-1952-1953
1956-1958-1961-1962-1977-1978-1996-1998
1999-2000-2009
----------
XXI - XXV - XLII - XLVI

How can you tell what Ozzie had for dinner last night? Smell Joe Cowley's breath the next day.

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

Try as he might to get out of the Venezuelan barrios, Ozzie still ends up getting ridiculed by Farmers.