Long Live Rock!: McNEILL Previews WWE WrestleMania XXVII, plus this month's Wrestling History Lesson
Apr 3, 2011 - 5:25:32 PM
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By Pat McNeill, Torch Columnist
Wake the pets and call the neighbors, it's time for our exclusive WWE pay-per-view projections!
DISCLAIMER: Projections are based on what the columnist would do if he were booking this event, instead of the crazy old dude, the big-nosed son-in-law and Comic Book Guy. Projections are not predictions, because anything can happen in the WWE, except the use of the terms "wrestling," "wrestler," or "wrestle." Some of our departing contestants will receive a supply of Turtle Wax Liquid Paste. Turtle Wax Liquid Paste gives you the durability of a paste and the ease of use of a liquid wax. Remember, this is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, please, no wagering. This lineup is based on the best available information as of this writing. These predictions are based on what the columnist would do if he had creative control over WWE, except for the part where he rounds up all WWE employees who think that WWE is not a wrestling promotion and subjects them to public ridicule. Also, if you're a member of WWE creative, and you want to pitch any of the material presented herein during the Sunday afternoon meeting where Vince can't make up his mind, do yourself a favor and don't mention where you got your ideas.
Let's say that your job involved coming up with creative ways to make fun of the professional wrestling industry. If so, business would be pretty good about now. WWE has made it clear that they don't want to be known as a pro wrestling promotion. And hillbillies want to be called "sons of the soil", but that ain't happening.
A WWE representative also wanted it known that WWE doesn't put on wrestling shows. WWE puts on "entertainments." If anyone in our audience can think of another form of "entertainments" which involves men in tight engaging in simulated combat inside a 20' by 20' wrestling ring, please drop me a line at
patmcneill@live.com and smarten me up.
There's some question as to who will host this month's pay-per-view broadcast. My guess is, we'll have Josh Matthews and Booker T. Huffman. I'm guessing that Vince McMahon is still dead set against good ideas and that Ross will not be on the broadcast, which means our third man in the booth may be Sean Mooney We can always hope. On with the show!
Sheamus Farrelly vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE United States Title): Daniel Bryan is looking for revenge after his recent loss to the Translucent Titan. Sheamus is looking to, well, receive a WrestleMania payoff check. Projection? Sheamus retains the title by pinning Bryan with his feet on the ropes.
Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes: Mysterio and Rhodes have been feuding over Mysterio allegedly breaking Rhodes's nose, in the most famous shot to the schnoz since Peter Brady brained sister Marcia with a football in 1973. This feud has also been memorable for the heel turn of WWE Hall of Famer Dusty Rhodes. With any luck, we'll get introduced to Rey's legendary father, Super Porky. Projection? Rhodes uses his mask as an international object to knock out Rey and score a big WrestleMania victory.
Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella & Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett, Ezekiel Jackson, Heath Slater & Justin Gabriel (Eight Man Tag): At least WWE found a way to work Kofi Kingston into the WrestleMania mix. Projection? A wild brawl ends Vladimir Kozlov hobbling to ringside and breaking a crutch over Heath Slater's head. Big Show pins Heath for the win.
John Morrison & Snooki & Trish Stratus vs. Dolph Ziggler & Layla El & Michelle McCool (w/ Vickie Guerrero) (Mixed Six Person Tag): The biggest item of note from Monday's awful Jersey skit for this match? Trish Stratus, Layla El & Michelle McCool lare all way hotter than Snooki. Things have changed from when this columnist used to watch MTV. Back then, MTV had Daisy Fuentes & Jenny McCarthy on the payroll, while WWE could barely muster up an Alundra Blayze. Projection? Snooki knocks out Layla with a breakaway bottle of Absolut, enabling Trish to score the win for the good gals.
Randy Orton vs. C.M. Punk: Over the past month, Randy Orton has sent all the members of C.M. Punk's Nexus packing on the midnight train to Tampa. Punk got one shot in on Orton by threatening to key Orton's expensive tour bus. Things need to be evened out. Projection? Michael Tarver returns to Nexus and decks Orton with his killer punch, enabling Punk to score the victory.
Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole: Since WWE has spent the last six months ruining Monday Night Raw for the sake of this feud, can we at least get a WrestleMania moment out of this mess. Projection? Steve Austin knocks out Jack Swagger. Jerry Lawler piledrives and pins Michael Cole. That's the only acceptable finish. Then, get Cole off the Raw announcing team and make Cole a manager. There has to be a play-by-play man out there who can be the straight man on Monday nights. Bring back Craig DeGeorge if you have to.
Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio (Smackdown World Title): Over the past several weeks, Christian and Brodus Clay moved into the Smackdown main event scene, filling the spots previously held by, um, nobody. After this match, can WWE at least start pretending that Smackdown is an important show? Projection? Christian knocks out Brodus Clay with a loaded cast. Ricardo Rodriguez trips Edge and Alberto Del Rio wins the title with a flying armbar. But you, you already knew that.
Undertaker vs. Triple H: Based on the history of WWE and WrestleMania, it'd be easy to predict that Undertaker gets a cortisone shot, that Triple H tapes up his injured quads, and the last two outlaws put in a heroic effort to drag themselves through a twenty-two minute match that gets a two star rating from PWTorch editor Wade Keller and PWTorch assistant editor James Caldwell. But where's the fun in predicting that? Projection? The match begins. Triple H goes for a sledgehammer shot and misses. Undertaker kicks Triple H in the balls, grabs the sledgehammer, cracks The Game with one between the eyes, gives Hunter a chokeslam and pins The Game in about thirty seconds.
After the match, a stunned Shawn Michaels runs in and attacks Undertaker. 'Taker no sells a superkick, then bounces Shawn off the metal ring steps a couple of times. Sean Waltman runs down and gets a couple of kicks in before Undertaker launches Waltman over the barricades. Next up are the New Age Outlaws. Undertaker gives them a double noggin-knocker and starts stomping a mudhole in them. Triple H pulls himself to his feet and signals to the back. Kevin Nash wheels a giant coffin down the aisle, followed by Jimmy Snuka, Jake Roberts, King Kong Bundy, Mark Henry and other previous WrestleMania victims of the Dead Man. Jackson Andrews even comes down to ringside in Jorge Gonzalez's old bodysuit from WrestleMania IX. Nathan Jones tries to hit Undertaker with a spin kick, slips, and knocks himself unconscious. Undertaker falls victim to the massive attack, and is rolled into the coffin. Triple H, Michaels and Ric Flair nail the coffin shot. The group then wheels Undertaker's coffin to the loading dock. We see the UPS truck come by and pick up the coffin. This gives Undertaker another year to recuperate, in the hopes of getting his revenge at WrestleMania 28.
The Miz vs. John Cena (WWE Heavyweight Title): This year's ridiculous John Cena WrestleMania entrance should be Cena as Will.I.Am during the Super Bowl halftime show, with Eve Torres making an appearance as Fergie. But they never ask me. Projection? Cena knocks out Alex Riley early in the match, forces The Miz to tap out to the STF, and regains the WWE Heavyweight Title. No sooner has the match ended when The Rock arrives and nails Cena with the Rock Bottom, giving WWE fans the feel good ending they've been waiting for.
Aftermath: We go to the Extreme Rules pay-per-view next month, where we will probably see Edge vs. Alberto Del Rio in a street fight, Randy Orton vs. C.M. Punk in a Last Man Standing match, and (gulp!) John Cena vs. The Rock.
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Pat McNeill of Richmond, Va. has been a Torch columnist since February 2001. Seasons come and go, but he will never change, and he's on his way.
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