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So tonight whilst I was outside smoking a cigarette or two I had the trusty ol notebook outside (the craptop's power cord died.... sigh) and I was jotting down ideas for a double-intendre thread called "Biggest Dick @ The Score" where I would list everyone and their dickhead tendencies in such a way that the running joke would have been that I was mulling over who actually had the biggest dick @ the score, and thus how it affects their on-air personas.
* B&B ralph wiggum "WEEEEEEEIIIRD" drop
But when I got to Jason Goff and started breaking down his persona, man, there was a whole lot to go through... that's when I realized that DAS GOFF seems to have a little bit of everyone's overall persona @ the score, all homogenized (no homo) into one streamlined SUPERHOST that they've been quietly developing for years.
Bear(down) with me on this one, but I'm going to try and explain what I mean.
Laurence Holmes: First off, Jay is black, therefore he has the blackness of Laurence Holmes down... however, whereas Larry's blackness is often thrown out there in dramatic fashion in order to establish cred cuz really, he's just a nerdy little guy who just happens to be black, but don't tell him that cuz HE'LL HIT YOU!!! (more on that later)
On a scale of one to James Brown, Laurence is something like a 3 on the scale, because really if you didn't know otherwise, you might assume that he was some sort of racially-androgynous nerd character who was too busy drooling over Vanessa Marcil and Sarah Shahi to really cement any sort of personality based on purely race.
On the other hand, Jason is blacker than John Wayne's lungs. He often speaks for "the community" and takes it upon himself to clue-in the decidedly white B&B show (yeah they're white, but they're racially cool. Danny used to play basketball rockin goggles that made him look like a funny little videogame create-a-player. or 2011 Kurt Hinrich (RIP VINNY) and, of course, Dan is on record with having an unadulterated love of early 90s hiphop. he namedrops eric b & rakim repeatedly like a backpacker searching for respect from some oldschool black hiphop heads. If you've listened to him long enough, you've surely heard him drop the first few bars of NWA's express yourself on the 50k watt torch of illumination)
Ahem. As I was saying, Goff often turns up on B&B to provide the thoughts views and opinions of "the community" relating to certain issues, and he does it with such a confidence and a bravado that nobody would ever dare question his street cred. Why I reckon he'd be just as comfortable hanging out with a bunch of white-undershirt-clad entrepreneurs on west chicago avenue in the city as he would be hanging out at a starbucks on the campus of northwestern university... and that's power man, that's going to come into play later on when we talk about Danny B... so if you skim my paragraphs, just leave this one knowing that Jason us undoubtedly the blackest man in the history of the score, as only he possesses the dynamic abilities to reach a bold new demographic of listeners who would see through Laurence like the wet t-shirts on Vanessa Marcil and Sarah Shahi during their shower scene in Laurence's mental theatre.
Jason also possesses the toughness of Larry. Once again, much like with the blackness, Laurence has gone out of his way to prove what a tough guy he is. Raise your hand if you've heard multiple references to the ~3-4 guys at the score who he came "close" to coming to blows with during various points of his employment there. Much like George Bush was quoted as saying in the Big Lebowski, Laurence will draw a line in the sand and say that this aggression will not stand, man, ironically backed up by his own legendarily world-class aggression that no doubt had people like Tommy Williams so scared they had to GTFO of the score before they ended up wheelchair bound for life.
Goff's toughness is certainly more understated than Larry's, as you only catch fleeting references to it when you hear other producer2nd-3rd-shift-hosts speak in deference to Goff's legendary ferocity when driving the lane in those rec league basketball lanes. I've heard Larry speak of just how badass Goff is when he's driving the lane and puts his head down and SEEKS OUT CONTACT because he knows he's both faster and stronger than his opponent, and if he goes to initiate contact time and time again he's going to get in their head and open up a proper highway onramp to the basket, thus allowing him countless easy baskets thanks to his hard work in establishing his hardened "mean-streets-of-westside-evanston" upbringing that have been known to scare pussies from wilmette from exploring lucrative new drug territory right off of dodge avenue! =D
So long story short (the antithesis of me), Goff's toughness and blackness combine to form that aura of "unfuckwithability" that permeates his on-air-persona at the score. To reiterate a point said before, Goff brings to the table a dynamic that would be HUGE in attempting to attract more listeners in the coveted African-American Males age 25-34 demographic. I can see it now, while just about every political talk radio show has frequent ads/reads featuring the hosts schilling to go and invest in gold, Goff's #1 sports-talk-radio show of 2021 could have frequent ads/reads featuring the goff schilling to go and invest in gold to wear around your neck as if one were to have pity for the fools of the world.
With Terry, Sir Goff has usurped some of Terry's natural ability to provide the comic relief. Oft times when he chimes in on B&B he does so in an incredulous manner to call out the absurdity of something B&B said (and you can combine this with his POV representing "the community" to juxtapose how outrageous something Bernstein said would be perceived in "the community" or at least amongst the 35-and-younger demographic who Jason also speaks for if you listen closely)... I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the times Jason jumped on memes during solo shows, because sometimes you just gotta say "THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH!" amn provide a bunch of natural laughs and giggles (foreshadowing is a favorite device of mine) because oft times these "young" producers shows on nights/weekends are designed to give you the feeling that like, you reached a secret level in a video game... that you've got a special occasion to hang out with the funny and hip guys who haven't paid enough dues to get teh big shows, but hey, on this rare occasion let's all laugh and have fun and party because IT'S THE PEOPLE'S HOUR, AND WE DO WHAT WE WANT!!! or well, you know, crazy ol goff just got a show so let's crank up christmas in hollis and crack some jokes that the other shows are too mature for and let's have fun, cuz a young-hip-n-irreverent producer show is a rare treat that is to be enjoyed as the veritable egg-nog of sports talk radio.
In terms of Bernstein, Jason has a twinge of Dan's rampant intellectualism and perspective in his overall makeup. While Goff is obviously not going to come out of the closet as a posterchild for the SABRmetric generation, at the same time there is yet another subtly understated message that the Goff knows his stuff. He's not as purely anal and banal about openly relying on complex algorithms that, ironically, take the whole worth of, say, a baseball player and turn it into one unfuckwithable stat (WAR), however, Goff is certainly no meatball... he, like his buddy Dan, was put on this earth to tower above meatballism via providing well-thought-out rational arguments based on the juxtaposition of diligent observations amd critical thought.
Keep in mind that like Danny B before him, the Goff was assigned a beat to work while he was producing/doing weekend shows/filling in for regulars during the drive time shows. Bernstein got football (altho didn't he also do some Bulls beat work back in the day?) while Goff predictably got the Bulls. By doing this, the score has their up and coming talk-show-host-projects get out there and interact with the players on a more personal level, getting them that much closer to the sports which they're going to talk about for hours on end as time rolls on. Actually, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that there's a little bit of Laurence in here too, however once again, whereas Laurence goes out of his way to namedrop the various Bears who he's cool with (HELLO LANCE! Did you read the new green hornet book?!) Goff ONCE AGAIN has that subtly underhanded way of going about it.
From what you've heard about THE GOFF's adventures of doing pre/post-game lockerroom interviews, tell me you can't mentally picture a scenario where DAS GOFF is in the lockerroom tending to his business and D-Rose walks in and the two make eye contact, exchanging a subtle nod of affirmation that communicates the ozzie guillen quote "WHAT'S UP BRO?!?!" through the pimp-hand-smooth means of just body language. From personal experrience, I can tell you that the Goff is not above giving you an outright tap on the shoulder to turn you around and give you the nod, as he did with me for some odd reason a couple'a times during Bears training camp in 2009.
Long story short (help, I'm meeeellllttting!!!) the Goff is a student of the Dan Bernstein school of intellectually-driven sports-talk-radio, and he also has been placed on a proper team-beat in order to get him more up close and personal exposure to the inner workings of a sport that he's eventually going to be named the score's #1 in-house expert for. Whereas Laurence was basically a failed experiment to create someone with all of these qualities before, DER GOFF has been quietly picking up all kinds of steam as he ingratiates himself to more and more people who wish he would have proven Krazy Ivan to be prescient when he spoke of the talks to replace Spiegal with Goff.
Speak of the devil and end up with the mephistopheles of any animal who is routinely slaughtered to provide meat to the hungry masses, we're on Matt Spiegel. The aspect of Spiegel's persona brings to the table is the oft-times unrepentant ass-kissing that is epitomized in the non-stop giggling and outright laughing during the Danny Mac show. There's no doubt in my mind that Spiegel knows his place to kiss the ring of Danny Mac for rescuing him from radio purgatory (i.e. late-night/early-morning if not overnight weekend shows on sporting news radio) and plopping his big husky ass in the new score studios with a cushy job talking about sports in one of the top 2 or 3 markets for sportstalk in the USA. It's not uncommon to hear Spiegel giggling chortling and hee-hawing his way through an episode of the Danny Mac show, as he's a proper Ed Sullivan "YOU ARE CORRECT SIR!" impersonation away from totally transcending Andy Richter as the #1 talk-show sidekick of our epoch.
Lately, when I've heard Goff on the Danny Mac show, I've noticed that he laughs a lot... a whole lot. It's almost to the point where it has to be at least somewhat unnatural, as if Jason knows that he's in less-familiar uncharted waters when he leaves the relative safety of the Boers and Bernstein universe to pack up and head down the schedule to the Danny Mac Show, where amazingly enough he fills in for the show's usual hosts way more than he does for his own show, where he's often the third guy in the conversation anyways. I would like to think that the Score is doing this in order to get Goff "out of his element" and into a show with a different type of vibe than B&B... whereas B&B are intellectual sarcastic warriors waging a perpetual war with "idiotic meatball callers", Danny Mac, on the other hand, is not too far removed from doing a show further up the dial that billed itself as "the afternoon saloon: pull up a chair and join us!"
Whereas Danny-B often comes off like some majestic figure transcending the whole of sports discourse atop mount olympus hurling down thunderbolts at idiot callers who don't step correct in the "no meatball zone", the Dan McNeil "brand" has been built on being the friendly accessible everyman who you could imagine running into at a bar and casually sitting down and having a beer with, all the while talking sports like there wasn't a 50k watt buffer zone in between you. Danny Mac uses music and everyday activities to relate to his listeners, and the Goff also does this by being the Score's resident hip-hop evangilist (hey hey I KNOW THAT COSMROCKS TANNEHILL IS ON STAFF, BUT HE DOESN'T GET NEARLY ENOUGH MIC-TIME TO QUALIFY) and whereas Danny Mac will talk about the classic rock that his key demo grew up / ascended-to-manhood with, Goff will talk about the songs like Christmas in Hollis that everyone in "the community" grew up with. He can also provide some insight into the world of popular/modern music that the other hosts are not young-n-hip enough to deal with... for example, I remember last year that Jason had a subtle little quest to get the name Jay Electronica out there as he mentioned him a bunch of times during his own solo shows and prolly on B&B a few times. He knows how to use the arts to relate to "his people."
Then there's the whole everyday sporty activities as a means to relate to his listeners... Danny Mac can reference playing 18 holes the second he gets done with his shift, or going out on the lake this weekend to catch some walleye or whatever he shoots for... meanwhile, Goff can relate to his young-n-hip ~20something demographic by telling battle stories from pickup basketball games, like WHO COULD FORGET THE LEGENDARY TALE OF THAT BUM REF IN THE REC LEAGUE THE OTHER DAY?!!? While many of the other late-shift producers have regaled us with legendary tales of the Goff's dominance on the hardwood floor, he humanized himself by being THAT DUDE who fouled out of a damn rec-league game because just like all of us, he has been victimized by horrible refereeing that effectively knocked him out of a game.
Furthermore, Goff is a station-reknown master of the fine fine art of Madden. I'm pretty sure the next Cowley vs Goff Madden throwdown is going to be a PPV event that gets a higher buyrate than the last 3 TNA PPVs combined. Getting all hyped up about Madden and talking about the trash talking, the strategy, and the lifestyle of being so damn good at Madden that you can kick everyone's ass @ it is yet another deftly-communicated way that the Goff connects with his audience... why so many of us play madden casually, and some of us get pretty good and have had to institute the "NO MICHAEL VICK RULE!" (which i'm pretty damn sure he's mentioned b4) and when you stop and consider that for the younger generation/s playing Madden is an activity as universal and hallowed as playing golf or going fishing is to the older generation, you tend to get the vibe that Jason Goff is "one of us" who just happens to have lucked out alongside putting in some hard work to be "the one of us who made it" on the Score, and hence everyone pulls for him.
Hell, the whole Joan Osborne "WHAT IF GOFF IS ONE OF USSSSSSS???" thing that parallels Danny Mac also applies to the fact that he posts here regularly. While he isn't quite as prolific of a poster as Mac is, still, out of everyone in the station the two guys who take some time out of their busy lives to get waist-deep-in-the-muck and brave a dying board to get up close and personal with the diehard fan contingent that comprises this board, well, I'll be damned if it can't be said that Jason Goff has more than a little of that Danny Mac sensibility and style fundamentally inherent to his makeup as a Score sports personality.
So when you stop and piece all of these aspects of his personality together, you're looking at a veritable Frankenstein monster comprised of bits and pieces of all of the other "bigtime" successful score hosts all homogenized (no homo!) together into one slick young and vivrant (whaddap tip?!) package: Jason "The" Goff. I suppose the idea to sit down and spend ~20 minutes writing out a de-facto doctoral thesis on the make up of Goff's on-air persona had never really occurred to me before this, and I'm sure that I'm going to catch a whole shit-ton of "tl;dr" or "damn sini you're creepy" or "why the fuck did i waste my time reading this?" alongside the usual circlejerk of IS0P-branded in jokes and running board memes, gags, and rivalries... it's just like, when you stop and think about it I really think Danny Mac was onto something when he boldly declared Jason Goff as the #1 sports-talk-show host of 2021. When you look at all of the elements of his on-air personality and realize that he's got a little bit of everything from every one of the score's big drive-time hosts, that's when you realize that they've been doing a good job of grooming him going forward...
Sure, he's likely gotta wait out this Spiegel contract and possibly another one before he could get a shot there, or he has to wait for Terry to say "fuck this i'm out, it's time to finish off that book and ride off into the sunset" in order to have a crack at B&B, but like, there's no doubt in my mind that the Score will do whatever it takes to retain Goff for the longhaul as he's their prized prospect from the minor league system who has recently been called up to play a utility role for the score team, cuz with all of the subbing in on the Danny Mac show and the third-man-in-the-booth role with B&B and of course the sporadic 10pm-12am show or the increasingly rare weekend show, it's obvious that Goff needs to get his at-bats in order to develop into a bonafide 5-tool-player as opposed to staying just another prospect. I think he's long since vaulted past drinky in the Sportstalk America prospect rankings for the Score farm system, and now he's gotta be that guy who they're gonna pencil in for the future of a key position, whether it be during htat 9-1 shift or duriing hte ~2-6 shift, you know that at some point they're going to unleash their monster on the world and he's very likely going to be some sort of a hit that makes you say "damn, why didn't they just let spiegel go in 2011?"
For another metaphor, if you stop and think about it, Laurence Holmes is to General Grieveous as Jason Goff is to Darth Vader. In Star Wars Episode 3, Grevious was presented as the "beta version" technology that was a direct predecessor to the darth vader cybersuit. Grevious hacked and wheezed and wasn't quite as smooth and streamlined as was the second and way more successful attempt: Darth Vader.
I think the Score initially wanted to have Laurence be "the guy" who was primed and poised to be one of the FOTS guys going forward... they did the same thing with him like they've done with goff here... he came up producing j.hood and others, then got minor league at bats on the weekends with "the me and z show" and later just "the me show" and then he got assigned his beat reporting duties in order to get him more up close and personal with the statio's biggest sport in order to give him more seasoning as a talk show host going forward, however they likely had no idea that laurence was going to break those 4 top-secret stories right out of the gate and then end up becominf BFFs with so many Bears players... while that naturally gave lawrence his own dynamic, it certainly hurt his overall "everyman" appeal because he leaves so many people reeling that they're not cool enough to have Bears players' phone #s in their phones... and they don't swap comic books with Lance Briggs... that and Laurence's toughness is a bit out of control cuz we all know that at one point or another he has prolly nearly come to blows with at least 1/4 to 1/3 of the score staff at any given point, and you know that when anyone has to ride in the elevatore with him, especially paula faris, there's a level of tension that's so palatable that you can cut it with a knife.
Given that Laurence's appeal only shined with the HARDCORE sports talk listener fanbase, aka The LoHeads, he was given his niche little night spot here he was put in charge of the pulse of the audience, which directly evolved into THE PEOPLE'S HOUR COLON WE DO WHAT WE WANT! and naturally WE WANT TO TALK TO JEFF "HARD BAKE" BAKER BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS AWESOME LIKE HEARING A PREVIEW THE WATERED DOWN CHANNEL 2 NEWSCAST SPORTS SEGMENT THAT FEATURES TOPICS THAT HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED AD NAUSEUM ALL DAY LONG!
Arrrghhhh, I'm getting off topic here so I should wrap this up. Basically, this doctoral thesis endeavors to show you, the humbly=transcendental non-reader/skimmer/shit-giver, that I believe that Jason Goff has been equipped with $30mil of bionic parts and cybernetic upgrades to allow him the capacity to upgrade his capacities to usurp the most desirable aspects of all of the bitime score hosts and combine them into one superhost who will rule our airwaves by the year 2021.
I thank the heavens above that THE GOFF uses his powers for the good of us, the listeners, because if he didn't, man, hater wednesdays would look like proper silvy waddle slap and tickle tuesdays (or is it thursdays?) of the Goff were to lose sight of his benevolent mission to be the best damn sports talk show host on the radio today, tomorrow, and until the end of time.
Any thoughts and comments? There shouldn't be, cuz if you do alls you're going to do is encourage me to continue to clog up your board with wordy mic-stalking crap like this, and that's a dangerous precedent to set cuz like, what if Dr/. Ken and RPB team up to write a 7500 word dissertation on the indelible greatness of SHAKE THAT???! The whole world might collectively orgasm and thus a wave of ~300 million unplanned pregnancies will happen and suddenly SOMEONE will have control of a bastard army with the werewithol to take over the world.... the only question would be who'd lead that army, general grevious or darth vader?
$ sinicunt OUT like a fat kid in dodgeball
_________________ Curious Hair wrote: Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?
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