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I have learned what happened to one Dan Mcneil. Through my contacts in the Nascar Rules Cabal, I can confirm the condition and location of one Danny Mac. What I have been allowed to say is that he is fine and will be back on the air when he is ready to return. Mitch Rosen is also aware of the situation and has agreed to let Mac back on his shift when he comes back. This is a story so fantastic, it has to be true. I really didn’t believe it either, but when presented with the facts, there is no other conclusion for his absence. You really need to be sitting down to read the following, if you a driving a car, pull over and stop, if you are performing surgery, put the scalpel down. This much I know is true, Dan Mcneil is a time traveler.
“Get the fuck outta here ‘Spiracy”, I know that’s what you’re saying. Mac doesn’t even think that stuff is plausible, or even a worthy topic of discussion on his midday radio show. He doesn’t allow the idea to be expressed when speaking of the film genre, and Mackeyfish loves talking movies on his talk show! That’s perfect cover for someone from the future AND the past. Repeat after me, “The hell you say!” Yes America, Dan Mcneil was not born or from the 20th or 21st Century. This will explain why he is gone and when he will come back. You see Chicago Sports Fan Message Board faithful, Dan Mcneil is a lot more Barney Rubble than you or I could ever imagine. That’s right, he’s a caveman, FROM THE FUTURE. It’s tale so tall, it can only be factual.
Yes, I know, it’s something out of a Terry Pratchett or Phillip K. Dick novel. DaMaNaaa is from 13,000 years ago. Stolen to 13,000 years in the future to be part of experiments and repopulation program of future citizens of earth. You see, the original Dan Mcneil passed away from the fallout of a massive volcanic explosion that caused the last ice age. Him and all his progeny also were killed by the fallout and residual global cooling that blocked the sun and wiped out their food sources. Meanwhile, in the future, the remains of the human race were scouring the Earth. Looking for proper males to help keep the race of people intact. Men of the future had become sterile after generations of exposure to microwaves and deadly radiation from video game consoles.
The future inhabitants of Earth knew there were many people that were wiped out and preserved in the ice of the far northern and southern latitudes. Also conquering the mystery and physics of time travel, they knew they could retrieve proper specimens. They also knew that there would be paradoxes if they were to bring to the future somebody whose descendants had made it past the last ice age. So, the people of the future had to get men potent enough to breed and his children never made it past the last ice age. After finding their remnants frozen in ice somewhere in present-day northern Europe, the future people knew they had their man. Our loveable Barney Rubble looking fella was just the man for the job, he was chosen to be Mac the XL Stud.
Our guy was picked up right as the tons of ash was about to fall on his native area. The prevailing winds from the west were filled with pyroclastic elements and a mountain of noxious ash. Think of it as a Mount Everest sized smoking section from the Louisville airport preparing to literally rain fire on CaveMac and his pride. Taken back to the future, CaveMac was serving his purpose and was quite successful in his breeding operations. Sounds like fun right? Your only mission in life was making it with a bunch of hot and horny future chicks looking to make babies. As he settled in to his role in The Stable, life became somewhat… predictable. We are talking about a man filled to the gills with Neanderthal genes. The clinical copulation ‘came contemptible causing curious conclusions.
Yep, it’s true. Mac escaped his boring existence as a Stud and escaped to the past (our present). What an ungrateful bastage! Gets pulled out of certain death and a lifetime pass of boinking and it’s not good enough for him. Tsk tsk indeed. Think about it. Proclivity for addictive narcotics, you know how hard it was to get uncut cocaine in a seven gram plastic bag 13,000 years ago? Cigarettes, you know how long it would take to dry out enough tobaccy leaves to make a pack of Marlboro Lights? Disdain for women, he was a freaking CaveMac piece of meat from the past to those future mothers. Why do you think he loves the boat show/outdoors stuff so much? Mac is a hunter by nature. Do you think he goes to Canada every summer by mere coincidence? It reminds him of home.
You’ll have to wait until Mac returns for the rest of the story of why he had to go into hiding. The women of the future are looking for him. They have a small window of time for when they could come back from, and go back to the future. I had to make a lot of phone calls and pull in a lot of favors to be divulged this story and acquire this information. I hope everyone out there will take this story at face value. Please respect Mac if he doesn’t want to relive the horrors of his past and future in our present.
The End.
_________________ CSFMB: Home of the small minded Beardown wrote: I'm declaring a victory without research.
Last edited by donspiracy on Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:42 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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