Build Your Own Conspiracy Theory
By Daniel Bier On 04.18.2012 · 18 Comments
As I recently learned, it is a bad idea to joke about conspiracies. They are serious business to some people. But if you are interested in inventing your own conspiracy theory for fun or profit, there is a time-tested formula:
1) Pick bad thing X that happened (it doesn’t matter what or when).
2) Postulate a conspiracy was behind it* (it doesn’t matter who or why). This is all you need to get going, but there are a few techniques you can use to fill in the blanks about what really happened during X.
3) Cherry pick factoids, take details out of context, mine quotes from public figures, elevate obscure minor incidents to center stage, juxtapose unrelated events, obsess over coincidence, point to suspicious lack of evidence that (if it existed) would support your theory, and always, always have pictures with big red arrows pointing to nothing in particular.
The general rule is: stitch together everything that vaguely supports your theory or calls into question the mainstream explanation, and ignore or deny everything that does not fit.
4) In later stages, once your campaign to uncover the truth is well-developed, create a really poorly-produced internet “documentary,” set it to scary music, and have your college roommate narrate it.
5) Denounce skeptics and scientists who debunk your claims as tools of the conspiracy, and make it clear that anyone who doubts your theory is a Moreaun human-sheep hybrid creature afflicted with narcolepsy. Tell them they need to, “Wake UP, SHEEPLE!”
6) Compile a list of a tiny number of “experts” that support some of your claims, and use it to lend a veneer of scientific credibility to your theory. Wherever possible, use misattributed, unsourced, and quotes taken out of context from experts who do not support your theory to imply they do.
7) Create lists of “unanswered questions” that, regardless of how well-answered, will always remain “unanswered.”
Rinse. Repeat.
Events ripe for potential conspiracy theories:
The Space Shuttle Challenger disaster
The Lusitania
World Trade Center Building 6
The Titanic
The Tangshan Earthquake or any natural disaster
The 1918 Spanish Flu Pandemic
AIDS
Death of Ronald Reagan
Potential conspirators:
Jews. Always the Jews.
President (any president)
United Nations
Pentagon/military-industrial complex
CIA
British royal family
HAARP
Federal Reserve (and bankers generally)
Robber barons
Council on Foreign Relations
Trilateral Commission
The Bilderberg Conference
Mythical groups potentially behind anything:
Ancient aliens. Always ancient aliens.
New World Order
Illuminati
Free Masons
Reptilians
Example: a conspiracy theory I invented about the RMS Titanic.
It’s the only explanation… that makes absolutely no sense.
* Or, if a conspiracy really was behind it, add some unnecessary elements or another layer of conspiracy on top of what is generally accepted to have happened, just to blunt Occam’s Razor. For example: the Black Hand really did assassinate Archduke Ferdinand… but there was a second shooter on the roof of the cafe! Or: yeah, Mohammad Atta did it… but the CIA helped him!
_________________
The Hawk wrote:
There is not a damned thing wrong with people who are bull shitters.
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