So I stop at the CVS on the way to the train station to grab a beer for my long train ride out to Oak Park. They are out of a bunch of stuff including my go-to 312. So I grab a Sam Adams 22 ouncer, check myself out and immediately realize that it's not a screw-cap. I should have known that, but anyway, now what do I do? I can't go to the bar and ask if they'll open my beer for me. So I grab a seat in the upper level of the train, racking my brain as to how to open this thing. I need it bad! I can't just forget about it now. I tried wedging the cap in various crevices, all to no avail. Last resort I pull out my keys and start working at the cap. After a few minutes of mano-a-capo battle, I got the damn thing off! My face was all red and I was sweating but I got that cap off! Sweet success! I haven't felt such accomplishment in months, maybe years!

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Reality is your friend, not your enemy. -- Seacrest

Nicely done.

Unfortunately, hatchetman bent his house key and had to sleep on the porch.

Just find a metal edge, hold the edge of the cap on the metal edge and hit down hard. Way faster than keys. That had to have taken forever.

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That's my purse! I don't know you!

I could just see me busting the top off the bottle, beer goes spraying all over the people below, maybe I slice my hand open on broken glass and have to call 911.

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Reality is your friend, not your enemy. -- Seacrest

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use a lighter.... establish the fulcrum. i used to consider it black magic, but once i figured it out it's a rather invaluable trick.

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definitely would

I used to open beer bottles with my teeth in a pinch. Looking back on it that could have gone pretty
badly for me but never had an issue arise. The caps are pretty soft.

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Flew too close to the sun on wings of pastrami

I'm pretty sure your "pal" that paid your way on the train that one day would have been more than happy than to open your top.

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I mowed my lawn. But I didn't trim the weeds. That is beneath me.

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In something totally different......

Please tell me you aren't a juggalo with the name hatchetman.

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That's my purse! I don't know you!

jack has a screw top

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

i met a group of juggalos once. it was outside the congress theatre, where i had gotten free tickets to a tech n9ne ill bill (la coka nostra era) / paul wall show. i went strictly for the human interest of it, and a minor of ill bill cuz you know fond memories of non-phixion and all that (and aside from his set i just hung out in the smoking era and freestyled all night)

AHEM. but on the way in i see a few people with face painted, including one ~20 year old chick who seemed to be pretty attractive outside of the whole face paint thing.... i had to go up and ask why her face was painted and she proceeded to respond via dance (something that's only happened one other time in my life, a cool balck mcdonalds employee chick who responded to "how ya doing" with a 360 spin/shuffle; propers bestowed), altho dance is a bit of a rough term, as she kind of did an ooga booga monkey / tyreke evans/balinelli testicles dance/gesture thing that culminated in her belting out "I'M A JUGGALO BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"*

* = don't worry, she was a white girl. no racial connotations here. jimmy the cosell i am not.

i matter of factly responded "yes you are"

it was then that i was asked a question that oft times has far more intensity than it should: "are you down with the clown?" -- you see, since i've first heard of the ICP in the mid-late 90s when a friend of mine worked at tower records schaumburg and got the free promo tape of whatever, i've found the question "are you down with the clown?" to be this gateway to a weird world of acceptance, one that's led the FBI or whoever to consider juggalos a loosely organized gang. over time i learned to just say yes and reference the great milenko and i used to know 2-3 songs by them strictly so i could namedrop them and say "it aint my thing but i've learned to respect it" at which point the hatchetpeople would accept me into their world and try to indoctrinate me with clown raps and low-mid grade marijuana as if recruiting people a la jehovah's witnesses. if life were a RPG this "down with teh clown" move would be referred to as a "parry"

but back then outside the congress, i was yet to be this "enlightened" / "tolerant" of the bullshit so i gave them the honest truth to that weighted question "no, i like redman you homos" and then i walked away. i would later find out that tech n9ne made a calculated career move to embrace the clown and paint his face up and go "horrorcore" with his lyrics so he could sell records to them and be a lock to play the gathering of the juggalos every year. get it how you live, i suppose.

but yeah, shit, while i have to do a gathering some year purely as a human interest thing.... still, it's just weird and goofy. ICP are some fucking marketing geniuses i tell you what; that much is undeniable.

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A couple weeks ago, I opened my beer with a lighter, and somebody was in awe of what I just did. I thought this was a common way to open a beer.

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Good people drink good beer - Hunter S. Thompson

<º)))><

Waiting for the time when I can finally say
That this has all been wonderful, but now I'm on my way

I've seen it done many times but have never attempted it myself.

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Look I got more shooters in Queensbridge than you
Don't let me have tie you up on the Coliseum roof
And open beer bottles on the boy's chipped tooth....


-Jay-Z to Nas, back when they were beefing...

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He's got a lotta balls talking about anyone else's mouth

We went to DC for Redskins/Cowboys back in 2008. There was a beer vendor in our section opening Bud Light aluminum bottles with his teeth. Crack it open with his back buckers, then had it over to the customer.

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-- source

http://youtu.be/PX5PW4wIwQQ

You get points for the MLB threads, but this was not a very manly story.

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1926-1931-1934-1942-1944-1946-1964-1967-1982-2006-2011

I've run into this scenario a few times as well. I'm always surprised that they are surprised. Who doesn't know the lighter trick by the time they're like 18?

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Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

Amateurs. Picture the goobs out on New Year's Eve.

I'm surprised there hasn't been a "Hanley Meats" thread started yet.

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-"God is great. Beer is good. And People are crazy!"

Jeffro....thats what got me into trouble yesterday.

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I know....not associating the comment with anyone....just a little play on words.

This too shall pass.

That thread was a little funny at first...then it made me sad.

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-"God is great. Beer is good. And People are crazy!"