BREAKING NEWS! NFL Scandal!
By Dan Bernstein
CBSChicago.com Senior Columnist

(CBS) Details at this point remain sketchy, but multiple reports on Twitter indicate that NFL star BrettRiley Vick-Hernandez is wanted for some combination of murder, naked texting, engaging in dog-fighting, and being caught on camera using a derogatory term for African-American Jews at a Wiggles concert in Cleveland.

Stay with us as more information emerges…

…TMZ says he may have been affiliated with the Gangzsta Boyzz of Newport News, Virginia, a street gang known for its brutal violence against rival drug dealers and its intense belief that the intentional misspelling of common words – specifically by substituting “z” for “s” or adding unneeded letters for emphasis – successfully subverts authority or conveys an image of danger or power.

…Patriots coach Bill Belichick has just left for what the team says is a previously-scheduled vacation to Albania, per the Boston Globe. He will be unavailable for comment until he returns.

…Deadspin now has the video from the concert, at which a seemingly inebriated Vick-Hernandez boasts that he will fight anybody of mixed Jewish/African descent also in the arena to see the Australian children’s quartet. The audio is muffled, but he clearly says something involving “Matzah” and “’baller.”

…a former gameday sideline hostess now tweets that she has voicemails from him asking her to come to his house, needing help “throwing a bunch of guns in the lake and stuff.” He also sent her naked cell-phone pictures that he took in a bathroom mirror, in which he his brandishing both a bazooka and a shoulder-mounted battery of surface-to-air missiles. And wearing Crocs.

…the Patriots have issued a statement: “We are aware of an incident involving BrettRiley Vick-Hernandez, and we are gathering information. Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim, the dead and maimed dogs, any harassed team employees, and the Wiggles, particularly Captain Feathersword. Also, our organization has always supported African-American Jews to the extent that we are aware of them.

…Skip Bayless says none of this would ever have happened if the Jets had allowed Tim Tebow to play quarterback, challenging anyone to prove that assertion factually incorrect.

…questions are beginning to be asked about what responsibility Urban Meyer bears for the incidents. While Meyer has no direct connection to Vick-Hernandez, a column in Slate argues that Meyer has singlehandedly created a “culture of football criminality” that has put blood on his hands and insulted a struggling minority.

…a sympathetic group of rabid Penn State fans has released an incoherent, fevered “report of the real facts,” claiming to prove that no crimes took place, and that the good name of Vick-Hernandez should be restored.

…according to CNN, Vick-Hernandez has been arrested. Police found him behind his house naked, covered in blood, holding angry dogs and ranting about Sammy Davis Jr. An arraignment has yet to be scheduled.

…PETA is holding a news conference. A spokeswoman for the group says they are “appalled” at the treatment of the many dogs, but “not all that concerned, really” about the murder victim, adding “unless we learn later that he was like, a hamster or something.”

…the Wiggles’ official website now says on the main page “Our shows and our message are all about acceptance and inclusion. We don’t want any unfortunate incident to distract our fans from buying as much Wiggles-related merchandise as possible, even if it’s mostly plastic crap that the kid will either break immediately or forget about within hours. And our music celebrates tolerance of all kinds of people, even as the seventh consecutive replay of “Move Like the Emu Moves” has you ready to veer into oncoming traffic.”

…a panel of recently-retired former players on the NFL Network agrees that “sometimes boys will be boys. Football is a rough game played by rough people, and anybody who can’t deal with it in this case is a hypocrite. Worry about what he does on the field, not what he needs to take care of on his own time.”

… Vick-Hernandez has broken his silence, tweeting “Sorry 2 anyone mad at me. H8ers gonna hate. #STRONGWITHGOD.” His lawyers do not return calls for comment.

…according to the Boston Herald, the Patriots have suspended Vick-Hernandez. Their active roster still includes 29 players arrested or convicted on felony charges.

…African-American/Jewish organization Heblack convened the media at its offices in New York a short time ago. “It is our hope that we can all learn from this, and that we can turn a negative into a positive,” said Executive Director JaDaveon Rothenberg.

…Vick-Hernandez will sit down with Oprah Winfrey for an interview by week’s end, according to Entertainment Weekly. He will then proceed directly to Katie Couric, who will ask pretty much the same questions.

…NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announces that the league will take no disciplinary action “until the legal system has run its course.” This means possible eligibility for the upcoming season, with appeals pending.

…Sports radio is currently besieged with call after call saying “I haven’t heard anybody say this yet, but our government should have better things to do than press charges against this guy. This is a waste of time!”

…Bill Belichick – from Albania – now says that they have not ruled out reinstating Vick-Hernandez if he apologizes really nicely for the sexting, volunteers at a local animal shelter, and undergoes sensitivity training. “We all deserve a second chance,” he says.

Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?

Someone/something is being parodied in a poor and unfunny manner. Aside from that I got nothin'.

Les Grobstein's huge hog is proof that God has a sense of humor, isn't it?

I'm declaring a victory without research.

article

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

Details at this point remain sketchy, but multiple reports on Twitter indicate that NFL star BrettRiley Vick-Hernandez is wanted for some combination of murder, naked texting, engaging in dog-fighting, and being caught on camera using a derogatory term for African-American Jews at a Wiggles concert in Cleveland.

Deadspin now has the video from the concert, at which a seemingly inebriated Vick-Hernandez boasts that he will fight anybody of mixed Jewish/African descent also in the arena to see the Australian children’s quartet. The audio is muffled, but he clearly says something involving “Matzah” and “’baller.”

Also, our organization has always supported African-American Jews to the extent that we are aware of them.

African-American/Jewish organization Heblack convened the media at its offices in New York a short time ago. “It is our hope that we can all learn from this, and that we can turn a negative into a positive,” said Executive Director JaDaveon Rothenberg.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

I'm a big dumb shitlib baby

You know, Dan has been really obsessed with Jews and blacks lately.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

I believe his interests lie in crossing the two bloodlines to get either a really smart wide receiver or a gastroenterologist with a huge wang.

The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.

Has anything been said here about how Dan's articles don't allow comments anymore?

The menstrual cycle changes among Hassidic Jewish women was something as well.

Has anything been said here about how Dan's articles don't allow comments anymore?

I believe his interests lie in crossing the two bloodlines to get either a really smart wide receiver or a gastroenterologist with a huge wang.

Has anything been said here about how Dan's articles don't allow comments anymore?

There is not a damned thing wrong with people who are bull shitters.

@QuadCityPat: The funniest thing @dan_bernstein has written, brilliant satire : http://t.co/6SwBKF0cYq" READ IT

Yes it is.

When this is all over, which is not going to be for a while, Trump will be re-elected President.

@QuadCityPat: The funniest thing @dan_bernstein has written, brilliant satire : http://t.co/6SwBKF0cYq" READ IT

The menstrual cycle changes among Hassidic Jewish women was something as well.

@QuadCityPat: The funniest thing @dan_bernstein has written,