 |
| Site Admin |
 |
Joined: Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:00 am
Posts: 79461
Location: Ravenswood Manor
pizza_Place: Pete's
|
Brilliant! http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-t ... 4298.storyIt's exciting to see that after decades of struggling, the Chicago Cubs have finally charted a course that guarantees their devoted fans a World Series championship.
I'm referring, of course, to the team's introduction of a new mascot: Clark the Cub. Sure, the franchise could waste its time drafting talented young players, building a tradition based on winning and fielding a team that can catch and hit baseballs in a non-cringe-inducing fashion.
But why do that when history tells us that mascot introduction is the easiest path to success?
The storied New York Yankees won a World Series in 1978, then hit a dry spell that was stretching close to two decades. So in 1995, the team introduced a new mascot — Joey the Rat, an adorable sewer rat named after a snitch from one of the city's five organized crime families. Joey would prance around the stadium, playfully "whacking" kids and inspiring the players so much (by threatening their families) that the Yankees won a World Series the following year — and three more in 1998, 1999 and 2000!
Of course mascot-induced success doesn't just happen in baseball. Who can forget the aftermath of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, when BP appeared doomed. It took the playful — albeit slightly gurgly — chirps of Oily the Lubricated Dolphin to get people to fall back in love with the company and embrace the importance of aquatic viscosity.
Nobody liked Obamacare before the administration introduced Matty the MRI, and the Republican Party was bottoming out in popularity until America's kids met — and fell in love with — Pokey the Patriotic Transvaginal Ultrasound Wand.
You just can't go wrong with a new mascot. That said, the Cubs have gone wrong in a few ways.
First, Clark the Cub looks like a bear who ate one of the team's drunken 20-something-year-old fans and is now wearing that fan's clothes in an effort to mock not just the Cubs organization but all of humanity.
Second, Clark is not wearing pants. Because Clark is not wearing pants, every single person with a computer has already taken Clark's image and added a comically large penis to his bear genitalia region.
This made Cubs officials so unhappy that they released a statement saying: "Unfortunately, there are those who decided to respond and engage in a way that had absolutely nothing to do with the mascot."
The team's reaction overlooks the fact that — and you can find this in the history books — the Internet was invented for the sole purpose of drawing penises on pantsless cartoon characters.
Lastly, Clark is problematic because a small but devoted section of the Cubs fandom — and a larger section of the White Sox fandom — was pulling for a prim and proper British mascot named Sir Futile of Losington, who would enthrall children with tales of the hopeless drudgery of day-to-day life.
Learning from the Cubs' mistakes, I have figured out a way to help my own industry. As you may have heard on TV or read on a completely free Internet site, newspapers are going through a rough patch, economically speaking.
Several quick fixes have been tried and failed, the most notable of which was The New York Times' bold but ultimately disastrous campaign to gently tuck an adorable kitten inside each newspaper.
But nobody has tried a mascot. Which is why today, I am proud to introduce America to the newspaper industry's new savior: Nathan the Newspaper Narwhal!
Narwhals are majestic creatures known, thanks to their long, helical tusks, as the unicorns of the sea. They represent the noble status newspapers hold in our society and, like journalists, consume pretty much whatever happens to float into their mouths.
Nathan, unlike Clark the Cub, has the good sense to wear a full set of clothes. And while loving to all children, he's never afraid to use his tusk to violently skewer any Drudge Reports, Huffington Posts or Anderson Coopers who might undermine the newspaper industry's media dominance.
I tried a "soft launch" of Nathan in the newsroom recently and experienced only a few glitches. The inadvertent shish kebabing of half the editorial board led me to replace Nathan's titanium tusk with a foam version. And there were some mobility problems caused by his lack of legs. That's still being ironed out.
But rest assured, the newspaper industry will soon be booming, and it will all be thanks to Nathan.
Much like Clark will be credited for the Cubs' upcoming championship season. Assuming he gets his act together and puts on some pants.
rhuppke@tribune.com
_________________
Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I thought I saw him walkin' up to The Hill
With Matthew, Tulsi, and Don
|
|
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
