This is one of the greatest Onion articles ever, because it was my life, just a little farther north of Gurnee:
Quote:
Oct 31, 2001
GURNEE, IL—Mark Campa, 16, who has listened to and talked about Led Zeppelin almost exclusively since discovering the '70s rock group over the summer, is "really starting to piss off" his friends, sources reported Monday.
"I've got nothing against Zep—they're awesome," said James Savich, 16, a longtime friend of Campa's. "But Mark acts like he's the first person ever to really get into them when he's, like, the 59 billionth."
Campa was first exposed to the band in June when older brother Bryan returned from college and started playing Led Zeppelin II while lifting weights in the garage. After one listen, Campa was reportedly hooked, buying his own copy and playing it incessantly for weeks.
Campa's Led Zeppelin fixation soon manifested itself in myriad ways, with the teen playing only Led Zeppelin in his car, drawing the Led Zeppelin IV runes on his arm, and spending $73 at the Kane County Fair ring toss in an effort to win a Swan Song mirror.
According to friends, Campa's newfound love of the band has caused him to behave in a "dicklick" fashion.
"Last Saturday night, a bunch of us were driving around cranking the new Slipknot when Mark popped the tape out and started messing with the radio," said Rick Eglund, 17. "I was like, 'Dude, what's your problem?' He said it was time for WLUP's 'Get The Led Out' and that he never missed it. I told him he was gonna miss it that night. Then, he tried to stop me from putting the tape back into my own stereo. I had to pull over and force him to switch seats with Dan [Alberman]."
"The stupid thing is, at the time, we were driving Mark home," Eglund continued. "He has all their CDs, so he could've listened to Zep all night if he'd just waited five minutes. I guess he had to prove what a big fan he is."
In addition to naming his '91 Prelude the "Honda Of The Holy" and renaming his cat of four years "Bonzo" as an homage to late Led Zeppelin drummer John "Bonzo" Bonham, Campa has irritated friends with his constant barrage of Led Zeppelin trivia.
"In the past week alone, I've learned that Keith Moon came up with the band's name, Jimmy Page is in the movie Blowup, and 'All Of My Love' is about Robert Plant's son Karac, who died from a viral infection," Savich said. "And if I hear Mark tell us about the 'mudshark incident' one more time, I'm gonna kill him. Everybody knows Hammer Of The Gods is bullshit, anyway."
Campa has also developed a habit of pointing out Led Zeppelin connections to seemingly non-Zeppelin-related items.
"I downloaded the Lord Of The Rings trailer and, next thing you know, Mark goes into this whole thing about how 'The Battle Of Evermore' references the book Lord Of The Rings," Alberman said. "I had to re-start the trailer after he was done because no one got to see it. It's getting to the point where you're almost afraid to go to a movie with Mark because John Paul Jones' second cousin might be an extra in it."
Added Eglund: "It could be worse, I guess. He could've gotten into the Grateful Dead. Or Floyd. Just imagine if he walked around all day quoting Dark Side Of The Moon. Christ."
The part in boldface was me in the summer of 2001, except sub out car for pool party, and Slipknot for that Christian rock station "The Fish." I still have my copy of
Hammer of the Gods, too! Complete with high school classmate vandalism!
_________________
Molly Lambert wrote:
The future holds the possibility to be great or terrible, and since it has not yet occurred it remains simultaneously both.
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