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Whoa, bros...this was some sad shit. So it was all like...put together by Sarah Durlidge...we called her duurrrrrr...she wouldn't put out for anyone and she had a stupid looking mouth, like the kind that could not ever once give you a good blow jay. So Sarah and her fucking best friend, she says, Alicia Santori, blasted all our facebooks with an invitation and I'm like...whatever, brah. I'm not into this shit at all. I mean, I see the bros I want to see and most of the girls either have VD, are sluts, slores, slunts, bitches, they blew me, I fucked them, or they're total dumb bitches. So what the fuck am I gonna do at a reunion?
So here's why I went, because I know it's like...all, Wayne, what the fuck brah? You wouldn't waste your time with that shit. So because Chas fell off the planet, and the Blackhawks are out of it, and I don't give a fuck about the Heat...Brendan on top of all this shit needs a ride. I tell him, bro, my dad took my car to some whore and I don't know what the fuck is up. So alls I got is the Subaru. He says that's fine, he needs me to give him a ride. I'm all, what the fuck. My fridge is lined with B-Li's and I'm all about chillaxing. But this weaksauce shit is not what I'm all about. So he says he'll give me fifty bucks. I'm all, OK.
He doesn't tell me where we're going...and the next thing I know I'm at the fucking Katherine Legge Memorial Lodge. What in the fuck, I mean...what? I don't even know who the fuck Katherine Legge is...I don't even know a Katherine. There was a Kathleen Tennison I had in sixth grade and we called her Clean Kathleen cos someone said she shaved her vijay twice a day. Sometimes we called her Twice is Nice for that too. Shit was hilar. Anyways I'm all, I'm outta here...but so there's this dumb ass DJ playing "In Da Club" which was my shit, along with "Get Low" which I requested like five times before it got played.
But who the fuck is there? Kim fucking Barkdoll. Dude, Jessica Dreison, Tara Miles, Stephanie Barnhart, Cari Pugg, and fucking Crystal Jackson--all fucking MILF's now...but Kim? She brings her fiance, this total knob named Craig. He works for some insurance company or some shit. And they're all slow dancing to that gay ass "Remember When" song by some country dickwad. Kenny Chesney prolly. But then they're all dancing to "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" and that was our song, brah! That's like the first time Kim ever got fucked up with me at Bar Louie and I fucked her with no condom on. Shit was fucking unreal.
I was tryin' not to be sad, and Brendan tried to cheer me up by requesting "It Wasn't Me" because that was my shit when I was in middle school...and the Hotstepper song too. But every time, bro, I saw her dancing with that total jaglion. Fuck that guy. He's like two inches shorter than she is and has a fucking lame ass shaved bald head. I got a full head of hair and I clear that bitches hair line by three inches. And my fuckstick is like a pecan log, brah.
So we have to do the that stupid slide, Cha Cha whatever. And I'm all doing it totally right, because even though I have no fucking clue who does that song, it's like the most basic shit ever. And this asshole Craig is fucking it up all over the place! It's two fucking hops and he's fucking hopping up and down like a bunny rabbit. And he's ducking his neck like a retarded mallard while I'm tearing shit up! And Kim doesn't see this shit?! Brendan's all, "Let's do a shot!" when they played that "Shots" song by Lil John or whoever the fuck sings that stupid ass shit. I'm like, play some real shit like "Drop it Like it's Hot" or "Teach Me How to Dougie" because I know that shit too.
Fucking lame, bro. I had to stay the whole time, seeing that dumb ass nerd Lionel Wiggins, we called Professor Dumblefuck. And he's married too, the asshole. We're not even 30 yet and all these dumb motherfuckers are getting married. Like Tyler Fennerin and Shane Jones. And then the hottest slut on the planet back in the day, Haley Wurher, she's got 3 kids and is married to some guy who is like nine million feet tall.
I hate high school bullshit, brah! I avoided that shit like the plague, and I had to go through this shit? It was like prom all over again, except Kim was with this assbag doucher. Fuck all that. And Troy is a total bitch. He's on match.com and he brought his girl, who he's only seen three times. Jennie Kaplan, who I swear to God went to Wheaton North but I might be thinking of Jeannie Karran. Who knows, who blows, who cares, fuck it. For reals.
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Dude, you are my bro.
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