sinicalypse wrote:
Greetings Cubs Universe!
It's about that time of the decade where you guys have made some cromulent moves combined with the imminent arrival of CAN'T MISS / 5-TOOL / BIGTIME prospects, which means that talk of a Cubs dynasty, let alone a single piddly little world series, are in full bloom! And who can blame you guys? With the imminent arrival of Corey Patterson and Hee-Seop Choi, erm, Jorge Soler and Kris "Babe" Bryant, and the acquisition/s of Jon Lieber and Jason Bere, whoops.... I mean Jon Lester and Edwin Jackson (look up Bere's stats, he's somewhat comprable to EJ at the time they both came to the Cubs) your team is poised to not only mutilate any billy goat that shows up to curse you guys (and remember guys, the severed goat heads are to be hung on the HARRY CARAY statue, as billy williams' statue now stands where Harry's was and you don't wanna get all mixed up and hang severed goats heads on Billy Williams' statue because that'd just be kind of stupid and wrong, as opposed to the hilarious and awesome that it is when you hang em on harry) but poised to render the goat extinct with an unprecedented run of success of the likes the world of sports has never seen!
AHEM PART DEUX. Please be respectful of the other baseball "fans" around you during this epoch of divine providence and IT'S GONNA HAPPENness because with great power comes great responsibility, which means that you're gonna have to act classy about the fact that ~28-29 other franchises in baseball would gladly change organizations with you in a heartbeat because the Chicago Cubs are now the ALPHA FRANCHISE in MLB. So i've got a couple of suggestions for how to best "speak softly and carry a big stick"
with the "big stick" here being the inevitable guarantee of a MLB dynasty of the likes not seen since the Ruth/Gehrig Yankees of the 1920s/30s:
1) Take pity on the other baseball "fans" and go out of your way to point out the positives about their team. Yeah it's laughable at best because everyone sucks compared to the Mighty Mighty Coo, but this will get them thinking about THEIR team and not your World Champion Chicago Cubs, which will alleviate the butthurt on their end and perhaps lower the murder figures in Chicago because I foresee no less than ~1000 murders over the next ~5 years related to people getting so pissed off at the Cubs that they murder the nearest Cubs fans around them in order to alleviate some pressure borne of jealousy that their team is NOT the Cubs.
2) Remind everyone that the Cubs haven't won a world series for ~106 years and that "they're due." This action of faux-humility
will remind everyone that hey, Cubs fans have waited a long time for this and since everyone and their mom (save the Mariners, the Expos/Nats, the Rays, the Padres, the Rockies, and of course any team from Texas) has won a world series at some point, "even the Indians", and therefore you can say that even a broken clock is right twice in every ~108 years.
3) Don't be a dick. Again, much like #1 here spoke about, these so-called "fans" support their teams and want the best for them, which means that they want their team to be the Cubs since the Cubs are clearly the best organ-I-zation in baseball. You're going to have to deal with this fundamentally-inherent jealousy head on, as the Cubs have been used as the #1 benchmark for futility in pro sports for something like ~30-50 years. Remember that it's incumbent upon you to show the world that they are gladly going to welcome righteous Cubs fans into their hearts minds and souls because with your dynasty will come endless hordes of a new type of fan you're not used to: glory-hunters! that's right, all over the world kids who grow up loving the most successful team/s out there will grow up being cubs fans because like tim tebow before them, all [they] do is WIN! this is the equivalent of kids who grew up in the 90s/00s being yankees fans because see the yankees are the jay-z of baseball and as such people wanna associate themselves with the image/brand of a team that's renown for winning, and nobody's going to eschew their local rappers to say I'M A FAN OF CANIBUS! no, it has to be a world-renown winner like jay-z; it has to be a team that's known for winning like the yankees.
welp, it's 2014 and the yankees days of accidentally stumbling into world championships is long over. people who are gonna be fans of the #1 winner in sports (not just MLB) are going to be cubs fans, and these newfound legions of dirt-free-shouldered fans need an example of how to be the best Cubs fans they can be, which means they need YOU to lead like example. Together you can set the standards for top-shelf MLB fandom and endear yourselves to the word of baseball by being so damn classy and awesome that everyone can't help but like you a little bit, even though they formally hate you with every ounce of your being.
Just know that the hate is there to hide the love they have for you.... and know that the good ol "when it's time" moniker applies to NOW. IT'S TIME. and while we've all been trained to be cautious and thoughtful to the extent where we say it's going to take 2, maybe even 3 years to start 100.0% contending in earnest.... dude, you know that "IT'S GONNA HAPPEN" at any possible moment from now on.... and because you've been a good boy/girl who has eaten your vegetables, said your prayers, brushed your teeth, and done your homework.... just sit back relax and strap it down because it's time for WORLD CHAMPION CHICAGO CUBS BASEBALL!
and if you play your cards right the rest of the world might not hate you because you're insufferable jagoffs like Cardinals fans!
that said take care, be excellent, and most of all: BE HUMBLE. what you're about to experience is the kind of sports magic that most people will live their whole lives without experiencing. people would give up kidneys and various semi-vital organs, if not their own firstborn child, to achieve this kind of unprecedented success that the cubs are about to embark on over the next ~15-30 years. The foundation is here for the greatest franchise in the history of professional sports! Don't ruin it for the rest of us by having everyone think that Cubs fans are pencil-dicked jorts-n-fanny-pack-rocking sub/urban white trash who go to team conventions every year because they have no lives! You need to step up to the plate and swing for the fences in showing the rest of the world that the Cubs are merely a reflection of their fans, and now you have the best organization in baseball because your current owner is a bonafide Cubs fan (his first date with his wife was a trip to wrigley FFS!) and Cubs fans = wildly successful people who are naturally fans of a wildly successful franchise/organization; you're going to have to get used to this association, so don't be the tacky equivalent of the nouveau-riche. act like you've been in the endzone before.... even if your punter has been your MVP for the last 108 years.
it's time to show the world how it's done; it's time to show the world Chicago Cubs baseball!
Has anybody actually made it all the way through one of these 2014 Expos fan based manifestos?
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