Joined: Thu May 28, 2009 11:10 am
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Location: Rock Ridge (splendid!)
pizza_Place: Charlie Fox's / Paisano's
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http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/huppke/ct-cubs-cardinals-huppke-20151008-story.htmlAs the Chicago Cubs get ready for their first-ever postseason matchup against the St. Louis Cardinals, it would be easy to roll out the classic newspaper columnist ploy of picking a fight with residents of the opposing team’s town.
It’s a cheesy, overplayed bit where a writer with no fresh ideas and too much time on his hands devotes an entire column to slamming the shortcomings of the rival city, needling good-hearted fans while totally overlooking his own city’s problems.
I admit to pulling this stunt earlier this year when the Chicago Blackhawks were facing the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Stanley Cup Final. I grew up in Tampa, so I eviscerated my hometown — which, by the way, is a truly terrible place — and was banned for life from entering the state of Florida. (That wasn't the only positive outcome. The Blackhawks also won the series. You’re welcome, Chicago.)
Now I did actually live in St. Louis for a summer — I was interning at one of the local dung factories — but I will not stoop to writing another slam piece just to inflame Cardinals fans and fire up my fellow Chicagoans.
Instead, I’ll help Cubs fans prepare for the National League Division Series, which starts this evening in Missouri, by providing some straightforward and in-no-way-totally-fabricated facts about St. Louis:
The city is on the banks of the Mississippi River, built on a land mass of accumulated waste that drifted downriver from the Chicago stockyards in the late 1800s. Founded by a French conman named Gerard Flatuleau, the city was first named “Horribles Ville des Ordures,” which translates to Horrible Garbage City.
Federal officials immediately saw the budding city’s potential and purchased the land from Flatuleau, turning Horribles Ville des Ordures into a penal colony for the criminally depraved. The first warden was named John Louis, and one of his first acts was to rename the city “St. Louis.” (Louis was known for holding himself in very high regard and for being a complete idiot.)
For another decade, criminals made up the majority of the population of St. Louis, earning it the still-popular nickname “the Australia of the Midwest.” Eventually the city’s criminal residents settled down and started families, largely out of boredom, and St. Louis became a booming town known for its pickpocketing and animal prostitution rings.
With the help of German immigrant Adolphus Busch, St. Louis soon became famous for ruining beer and the city started offering free tours of the Anheuser-Busch brewery to veterans whose taste buds had been shot off during World War I.
As St. Louis continued to grow and more westward-bound settlers passed through, a towering arch was built. Residents believed the arch was a symbol of the city’s status as a “Gateway to the West,” but the out-of-state architect who built the arch said it was intended to help visitors quickly find their way out of the city, or to warn passers-by to steer clear entirely.
One of the city’s biggest claims to fame is St. Louis-style pizza, which has been described as “slightly worse than putting ketchup on a Saltine” and “this isn’t pizza.” The inventor of St. Louis-style pizza — Gusto Contestabile — was born without depth perception, possibly explaining the absurdly thin crust of his creation.
To keep the crust from disintegrating and floating into the air, Contestabile created a gooey cheese called Provel, which is Italian for “goat barf.” The Provel-topped, crackerlike pizza is traditionally served with a Budweiser in the hopes that the beer will keep you from tasting the awful pizza while the pizza keeps you from tasting the awful beer.
Central to all life in St. Louis — along with scabies — is the city’s beloved baseball team. The Cardinals started out as a prison team called the Insidious Trouser Farts.
In 1900, team owner Chris von der Ahe decided to change the name of the team to something more inspiring. No one who lived there had ever actually seen a bird — they tended to stay away because of the unbearable stench — but someone in the organization had once read about a cardinal, a red-feathered creature renowned for its beauty, despite its limited mental capacity and lack of self-awareness.
The Cardinals were born and have remained a source of great pride for the people of St. Louis, winning 11 World Series championships and distracting fans from the fact that they descended from criminals and still live atop a pile of fetid hog waste.
That should be enough of a primer on St. Louis to carry Cubs fans through the coming series. I have to say, it feels good to take the high road and not cast aspersions on our Missouri-based opponents.
Good luck, Cubs players. Remember, if anyone down there offers you pizza, run for the arch. It’s the quickest way out of town.
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Power is always in the hands of the masses of men. What oppresses the masses is their own ignorance, their own short-sighted selfishness.
- Henry George
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With the financial state the city is in and just being named the MASS MURDER CAPITAL OF THE WORLD I think we should shut the fuck up!
