ok, since i obviously knew that nobody was gonna say "yeah sini, go ahead and hit us with your best [TLDR] shot!" i reckon i shoulda just saved everyone [from ignoring] a few paragraphs and just up and told the story when i first posted here; so in the immortal word/s from mario64: MEX-UH-COOO!!!!!! [Let's-a-go!]
DATELINE: GALESBURG, IL / DECEMBER 2009. some kid at one of the quad cities colleges [or something] convinced his school that it would be "culturally significant" or something to go and pony up ~$20-25k to import a whole bunch of [backpacker] underground rappers from all over the nation and have a 2-3 night / weekend "backpacker festival" right there on campus @ [University of Whatever A&M]. the lineup was stacked with quality "literally who?"s like sage francis, eyedea [with or without abilities], edan, murs, and seriously like ~20 other rappers/DJs/groups who made the weekend's lineup some kind of beyond-scintillating "HOLY SHIT!!!!" that compelled underground hiphop fans from across the nation to roadtrip-it-up and converge on galesburg IL for a cold+snowy weekend in december 2001.
on the way there i remember a large portion of I-80 west essentially being a giant sheet of ice, and then when you got off of the interstate the local streets were even worse cuz it was like nobody had bothered to plow [or especially salt] the roads so it was some kind of "legit treacherous" driving conditions wherever you went. IIRC there was only 1 or maybe 2 hotels in all of galesburg, so the hotel that me and my friends were staying it was literally chock full of not just underground hiphopheads, but also the rappers Themselves who basically had no other choice of where they were gonna stay for that weekend.... ergo, the whole weekend ended up being a giant "underground hiphop hotel party" where something like 75%+ of the hotel was occupied by rappers and rap fans, so pretty much at any given point during the day there was literally a cafeteria-style-selection of almost-universally-accessible hotel parties going on like i remember waking up circa 7-8am and getting a little continental breakfast in me before i ended up in a room playing [the card game] asshole with a proper screwdriver starting around 9am...
...oh yeah, and a couple'a guys from colorado who were on my friend's msgboard went by the handles "juana" and "tubes" -- they were legit from littleton colorado [IIRC] and claimed to be columbine HS graduates [who didn't get shot up because they were out driving around smoking weed on their lunch break when the "trenchcoat mafia" went on their OG school-shooting-spree] and uhhh yeah. true to their handles/names their room was perpetually the most intense pot-smoking-environment that i had ever encountered in my life. i remember that 100% of the time while i was in their room there was either a blunt/joint/bowl being smoked or a blunt/joint/bowl being rolled/packed-- usually both happening at the same time. and since everyone there wasn't just a pothead hiphophead, but were also at least properly-successful-enough potheads to be able to afford going halfway/+ across the country [on a whim] to attend a backpacker hiphop festival, yeah, that means that these were some quality people who could smoke some quality weed [a proper analogue to chus' legendary sigquote about how "good people drink good beer"]
so yeah, juana & tubes room' was so "HOLY SHIT!!!" in terms of being a nonstop barrage of copious amounts of quality weed that even i had to tap out after about 45-60mins in there because after a half-hour i was getting so OMFG!!! stoned that everything was becoming so grandiose and epic and downright bliznaizknowed that when you combined it with the fact that you were already about 3/4-in-the-bag b4 noon because of the "asshole with screwdrivers" type activities beginning right when you woke up.... yeah, even mister "emessiah is
emessiah@smoke.dope.org [lambe fenestra!]" had to tap out after awhile because that room was just way too intense in terms of it eventually leading you to some kind of existential crisis like "how much weed is truly enough?" [and remember that everyone was basically an underground-hiphophead so you know that weed smoking was a badge of honor too]
AHEM. so now that we've established this, i gotta point out that when i first got into the hotel i went over to the hotel bar/restaurant to get myself a nice caucasian [white russian] to celebrate the fact that i had [literally+figuratively] just survived a couple'a hours of treacherous driving on sheets of ice masquerading as streets/interstates/etc [and don't forget that being in a car chock full of hiphop heads = you know you're gonna be stoned as fuck for most of the drive out there, you know, stoned enough to where freestyle rapping for ~50%+ of the ride was the norm] ------ and when i entered the bar i was like HOLY SHIT!!! when i noticed that that most of the locals there were noticeably missing teeth!
i got to talking to some other "it-getter" type guy at the bar and was like "man wtf is up with these locals? why is everyone missing so many teeth?" and the guy chortled and retorted "well, you know that all the crack here comes from peoria, right? feel free to look it up sometime!" indeed, when i did go and google maps "peoria IL" i noticed that by default it sent me to an area with streets named Jackson, Washington, Madison, and etc.... and then i discovered that peoria had a street called "Martin Luther King Drive" so i was like "AHA! this totally makes sense to me now... hot damn there sure are a lot of crackheads [and likely early-adopter meth heads] here in galesburg!" -- so i finished off my rooskie and tipped my bartender and got the fuck out of dodge b4 any of the locals could possibly latch on to me like [i don't even want to know]
so on the saturday [i believe] i had that morning where i started off playing asshole with screwdrivers, and then once you got going that way you eventually hit up juana and tubes' room for a proper ~15-30min shift and then you were pretty much "bliznaizknowed" (nee blowed) and yeah, i remember about ~12-1pm i turn to my buddy [molotov] and go "man i'm hungry and i need to soak up this alcohol so let's go get something to eat." he was drunk enough to agree with me, so we got our shit together, made sure we stashed our weed in our room really well, and hobbled-n-wobbled our way down to my car.... where we got in the car, and upon sitting down we were both so overwhelmed with blackout-drunkenness + super-stonedness that we both immediately passed out there right in the car [which is some serious *skypoint* aka "thank you jesus" stuff, cuz i was seriously in no condition to drive and if i woulda got popped off with a DUI + impound out in galesburg? yeah... fuckin ell m8!"] -- and we both ended up being out cold for like ~3-4hrs.
i woke up first and saw a whole lotta lights going on around us.... i quickly woke up my friend and was like "HOLY SHIT DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!" cuz looking out of the car window we could see something like 7-10 police cars parked right in front of the entrance to the hotel, and all of them still had their lights going like they had to hop out quickly and leave the lights on to let everyone know that a potentially/dangerous situation was still going on. so after breath-minting it up and making sure that we weren't obviously [glinted], we go into the hotel [having to brandish our room key/s to show that we actually were staying there to be allowed in] and that's when we began to see the beginning of an aftermath that seriously had a vibe like we were walking onto the set of a horror movie or something.
as we walked up the stairs heading to our room on the 4th floor you started to see random spatterings of blood all over the stairs/stairwell/walls/etc... and also little off-white chunks of porcelain randomly scattered about. as we kept ascending the sheer amount of blood + porcelain bits kept increasing all the way up to the third floor [which was the floor where juana and tubes had their room].... curious, we stuck our heads out to take a gander into the third floor hallway where we noticed a giant mass of broken plates + mugs/glasses and other various bits and pieces of broken things that were pretty much universally intertwined with gobs of blood everywhere. we ended up going "HOLY SHIT" and just sodded off to our room on the relatively-idyllic 4th floor to make sure that we didnt draw any attention from the police.
later on when the cops eventually left and we got to juana & tubes room and got blunted up and said "hey guys, what the fuck happened?" to which they kind of looked at each other and proceeded to tell us the story: at some point circa ~1pm that day somebody from the "juana and tubes delegation" had went down to the hotel bar/restaurant to get a drink and saw one of those partially-toothed local chicks who "looked pretty hot" despite essentially being the archetype for what would later become "facesofmeth.com" and this dude figured he'd try to get some pussy by offering this chick to come up with him to juana & tubes room, get bliznaizknowed, and then yeah she'll be so gracious that she'll be willing to throw that pussy like the mob paid her 50 grand to "lay down" [if you will =] -- you know, a totally foolproof plan cuz clearly a crackhead-dimepiece like this would appreciate smoking copious amounts of generally-great weed, i mean look at her... she's obviously into drugs so maybe she'll enjoy a little nostalgic trip back to the gateway?
there was one problem with this, however: this chick was either too fucked up on [some harder drug/s] or simply not well-versed enough in the art/lifestyle of weed smoking to be able to hang in juana & tubes' room [remember, like i said b4 this room was
emessiah@smoke.dope.org's most intense pot smoking experience/endeavor/etc of his life. this wasn't just the major leagues of pot smoking, this was either the champions league of pot smoking or perhaps even the hall of fame of pot smoking here] so after this chick got super-high she started freaking/wigging-out HARDCORE within ~5-10mins. i dont know specifically how she acted the fool, but i heard that she was like vociferously loud and screeching and YEEEARRRGHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON I'M LOSING MY MIND HERE and thrashing around and shit. with the very real risk of someone loud and boisterous and banging their head on the walls and pounding desks and just randomly screaming AAARRRGHHHH bringing some kind of attention/heat/law-enforcing/types to the room, juana & tubes realized that they had to get rid of this galesburgian crackhead bitch STAT/PRONTO/ASAP...
...there was just one problem; this chick was a veritable cracked/methed-out superhero because she happened to have TWEAKER STRENGTH(TM) which means that even ~2-3 fully-grown-men[children] couldn't physically get this little "rail" skinny ~5'7" tweaker bitch out of their room, because oh yeah i forgot to mention that despite her mental breakdown and RAWWWWRRRRR and etc, this chick DID NOT want to leave the room at any and all costs. maybe she was afraid of being obviously fucked up [stoned+alcohol] and then that gets the cops on her and they find her coke/meth? maybe she was truly mental breakdown and was afraid of the outside world? either way this bitch str8up REFUSED TO LEAVE the room, and she couldnt stay there cuz she was blowing up a spot that prolly would have had a few people taken down HARD..... so they essentially got about ~5 people together to physically grab this bitch and start grabbing her [kicking and screaming and 100% resisting] and try to force her out of the room.
eventually tubes got the door open and the other guys physically shoved her out of the room as hard as they could, immediately going to slam the door behind her once she cleared the door-frame. however she used her tweaker reflexes to instantly turn around and lunge back at the door with her hand extended to try and grab the door and leverage it to stay open, except that there were ~4-5 people going to slam the door shut so when she got her hand in there the door ended up slamming on her hand! RAWWWWRRR!!!1 / AHHHHHHHHH!!!! and she starts kicking and pounding on the door like OPEN UP!!! and pushing her whole body weight on the door trying to wedge it back open, so the dudes on the other side are using all their weight to try and keep it closed... even tho her hand is technically wedged in the door [the chick wasn't as concerned about freeing her had as she was to get back in that room at all costs!] --- eventually she decided to get her hand out and instead of being like LET ME GET MY HAND OUT, she made another bum-rush at the door [so they still barricaded it] so when she went to pull her hand out the combined opposing forces were so much that yanking her hand out ended up tearing a good amount of the skin off of her knuckles/fingers/etc, to which she let out a literal "bloody roar" [massively underrated fighting game on the playstation 1] and was like YAARRRRRRRRRRRRR1!!!! -- and then she proceeded to go absolutely 100.0% batshit mental on the door in terms of kicking it, punching it, running into it at full speed, everything she could possibly muster for 5-10mins.
...but then after those ~10+ minutes, everything got quiet. a perfunctory look outside of the peephole showed she was gone, so tubes gave it another ~15-20mins to make it a proper half-hour of silence before they risked opening the door. when they finally did open the door and tubes meekly stuck his head out to have a look up and down the hallway to make sure the coast was clear.... BLAM!!!! outta nowhere [like a RKO]! a porcelain plate had been launched at tubes' head/face and narrowly missed him by ~6" or something, tho he did catch the business end of some exploding porcelain shrapnel. he was like HOLY SHIT!!! before hearing a non familiar "RAWWWWRRRRR!!!!" from ol girl and immediately retreating back into his room while another plate exploded right behind him as he closed the door!
you see, the whole "hip hop hotel party" thing had the hotel something like 75-90%+ occupied by rappers and rap fans who were predominantly drunk/stoned/etc.... that means that people ideally didn't want to drive out to get food [as me and my friend could attest to] so a metric assload of people were ordering room service from the hotel bar/restaurant. when they were done eating they were told to stack up the plates outside of their room's door in the hallway, so something like ~4-10 rooms on that third floor had ordered room service and thus there was a plenitude of dirty plates + dishes out there in the hallway just ripe for, say, a crazy tweaker bitch with vengeance on her mind, to go around and load up on a stack of plates that she could chuck around anywhere and everywhere!
indeed, when she started chucking the first few plates at juana & tubes, other people would start popping their head out of their rooms like "what the fuck is going on here?" and then ol girl would turn around and go RAWWWRRRR and chuck another plate at them! this happened so many times that it essentially ended up being a giant tweaked out game of "whack-a-mole" except that this chick was tossing plates at people opening up their hotel room doors as opposed to mallots and moles. and don't forget that since her hand got mangled it was seriously like "go to the hospital and get surgery" bad, so every time she grabbed and chuck a plate there was blood flying around her and splattering over the floor+walls+etc.... and then you know after a few minutes of whack-a-mole she got some kind of mindset like "it's me against the world" and started loading herself up with as many plates as possible to go and make her exit down the stairs and, presumably, out of the hotel.... cuz uhhh i guess that she had totally convinced herself [maybe via weed-induced-paranoia?] that it was everyone out to get her and she had to defend herself.... all possibly exacerbated by massive blood loss perhaps making her woozy and extra-delusional? idk.
so from there the cops arrived and i heard it took like 7+ of them to actually get this chick down and properly detain her (and keep in mind that her impromptu game of "whack-a-mole" also applied to the cops, who she was chucking plates at as they would try to exit the stairwell/stairway and thus that's how you got your blood + porcelain all over the stairwell.... and by the time she was trying to get down the stairs with the cops coming up and the impasse was met, the other people from floor 3 gathered to behold the spectacle of one crazy fucked up tweaker bitch successfully fending off ~7 cops for a few good minutes because this chick had managed to go around the entire third floor and collect all of the dirty plates+stuff outside of rooms to create a veritable stockpile/arsenal for her right by the stairway (and of course juana and tubes' room was like the first or 2nd closest room to the stairwell, of course) and uhhhh yeah.
it legit took 7/+ cops to take this bitch out, and even then she was kicking, screaming, biting, and of course wholesale splattering blood in every possible direction from where she was..... ...and THAT, my friends, is why you always gotta respect the police. yeah they do some dickhead shit sometimes, yeah some of them are downright evil, racist, whatever... but at he end of the day when you got a crazy plate-chucking bitch playing a giant bloody game of whack-a-mole with the whole third floor of a hotel simply because her crackhead-ass couldn't handle smoking weed.... yeha, holy shit, taht's when you gotta say "this is above my paygrade!" and call the police and let them deal with THAT... cuz you know, they dont call it tweaker strength for nothing.... and this chick was clearly hopped up enough to feel no pain (as i think she woulda seriously died if she didnt get that hand into a hospital within an hour or maybe two) and uhhhh.... yeah. fuck.
now all of this technically happened while me and my friend were passed out [blackout] drunk and uber-stoned in my trusty 97 civic EX in the parking lot.... but not only did god look out for me in terms of preventing me from getting a DUI taht could have been truly horrible [stuck in galesburg broke for days unless my dad coulda drove out there to get my car out of the impound + bail me out of jail for a DUI] --- but he also gave me the indelible aftermath of this scene to be like "holy shit... this feels like i'm walking through a haunted house around halloween... except this shit is real"
and of course, the moral of the story is that YOU SHOULD NEVER BRING UP CRACKHEAD BITCHES TO YOUR HOTEL ROOM TO SMOKE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF INCREDIBLY DANK MARIJUANA WITH THEM! seriously, you just never know when someone can't handle their weed and absolutely freak out and then [legend ensues]
TLDR = [much ado about nothing]... but hey friday is now over and this thread is bound for page 2+ and beyond ASAP, so i figured i might as well have tossed this story out there. c'est la me, no?[/b]
[edit = i removed the part of the story where i talk about murs asking my friend if he was a f4gg0t cuz of his kenneth cole shoes, and i had to bigtime him like OMFG UR MARS OF LIVING LEGENDS.... DUDE, YOU'RE IN A CREW WITH SCARUB! OMFG HE'S SOOOO DOPE, I MEAN,
HE'S THE FUCKING SAVVY TRAVELER FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT'S HE LIKE IRL!?!? IS HE A DEEP THINKER, OR IS HE A CHILL GUY WHO ONLY GETS DEEP ON TRACKS?!! DETAILS MY MAN DETAILS!!! --- suffice to say, a beyond-vain egotist like murs wasn't feeling my lack of fealty to him so he promptly left my [hetero] friend and his gay shoes alone =]
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