Soooo I'm riding on the Purple Line (express) circa 3:45pm today and while riding I get a phone call from a friend. Not wanting to be entirely rude (a la hitting ignore and snapping back a proper "DUDE I'M ON THE L SO FUCK OFF" text) I answer and embark on what i figure to be ~30-60 seconds of colloquial bullshit when I notice something coming my way from across the aisle...



THE GLARE! indeed this portly plump chick totally lowered her book and delivered the most nasty "uh no, you're not going to have a phone call right now" glare that I ever have gotten (and believe you me, I've earned a few glares in my day, and this one was a territorial pissing type stare/down cuz once I decided to return serve she doubled down on the stare intending to establish her social dominance over me. This compelled me to remark to my friend on the phone "hold on dude, some chick is giving me a menacing glare cuz I forgot that I'm a subhuman who has no right to conversate on the train, especially when an upper caste chick is trying to read her book in peace. it's so easy to forget my place and think that I have the same rights as a full-blown citizen, thus resulting in the boundless audacity of thinking it's ok to answer my phone on the train!"

At this point ol girl backed down from the staring contest and began to look over my shoulder at the rules/laws/whatever of the CTA; either looking for some rule that would allow her to buzz the conductor and report me or perhaps compelling me to follow her eyes to the list of rules so I can see what the law of the rail is cuz, indeed..




So now fully embracing my undoubtedly "shitlord" status I proceed to do a lil play by play to my friend telling him she's reading the rules so I better pray that there isn't a no cellphones/conversation rule, otherwise I very well might end up spending a night in CTA jail.... So I read the rules aloud, thank Jesus + skypoint when I see that I'm not 100% certainly going to jail for taking his call, and then I tell him I'd better let him go cuz I don't see a rule saying that being a bitch is prohibited on the CTA therefore I should quit while I'm ahead b4 she Googles the CTA rulebook and finds a rule where I'm subject to fine and/or arrest for sassing a bitch in her personal train car... -- "good luck dude!" -- *beep/click*

Now this is where most people would just let it go and and bury their face in their phone and try to keep your head down and maintain a low profile for the rest of the time me + #TheHomeOfTheWhopper™®© are sitting across from each other, however un/fortunately for you [and/or your reading delight/disdain =] #IAmNotMostPeople and therefore since this tubby bitch was trying to ostentatiously assert social dominance over me (read: #FemalePrivilege) I wasn't gonna let her get away all scot-free without suffering some consequences for being a right proper Caller Bob (totally transcending bitchitude IMO) so in the immortal words of the rapper casual: "[bitch] burn something / learn something!"

so a cpl mins later when a pair of ~late-teens/early-20s chicks get on and go to sit down in our train car section I can't help but notice they're in the middle of a conversation that was roughly about the same volume I was talking! Totally unacceptable! So I say "excuse me ladies, I hate to be a flat tire on the highway of fun but I just want to let you know that this lady here is reading a book and she shot me a rather mean glare when I answered a phone call a few minutes ago, followed by pointing me in the direction of the rules... So could you gals please keep it down and be mindful of the fact that she got here before us so therefore it's her train car? Thanks!"

The two chicks seemed to realize what I was doing and cracked the fuck up before popping over to the middle of the car!

A few minutes later another guy got on the train in our area and.... [DRUM ROLL] HE HAD THE BOUNDLESS AUDACITY TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PHONE CALL AS HE WENT TO SIT DOWN NEXT TO ME, AND HE WAS EVEN A LITTLE LOUDER THAN ME AND THOSE OTHER CHICKS!!!


So I said "hey excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother but I want to point out that this lady across from me is trying to read a book and shot me a nasty glare when I answered a phone call before, so can you please keep it down or call them back later to be considerate to our friend across the aisle here? Thank you very much!" -- he too chortled/cackled and walked down to the other end with a big grin on his face while I piped up and said "now I know you probably think I'm a real asshole here, but I literally just got three talking people to go to the other side, and as you prolly heard i've told the lady on the other end here to keep it down at least 3-4 times JUST so you can read your book with minimal interference from us great unwashed; I hope you can appreciate what I'm doing for you here to make up for my boundless audacity in answering that call earlier!

Oh yeah HOLY SHIT, at this point I totally forgot to mention that literally ~5-8 feet down from us right around that little corner by the doors in between train cars there was another chick who was on the phone THE WHOLE TIME I'VE BEEN ON THE TRAIN! and not o my that, but she was noticeably louder than me and way more demo attractive and emphatic with her diction and verbal-flow.... And she didn't even respond to my 3-4 attempts to get her ro either pipe down, end the call, or take her bullshit over to the other side of the car.... And in one of those 3-4 attempts I even got up and went over there to personally tell her that she was offending this nice lady who was just trying to read her book in peace without us vociferous assholes acting like we have some right to do whatever we want in the public commons that is the CTA train car; pfft...

Seriously this is the epitome of "white privilege" and "male privilege" and of course "shitlord" titles; this is why we can't have nice things. This is why Hillary needed to be president-- she could have started up the [FEMA?] "Fun Camps" where brazen CISgendered ableist shitlord like myself and the a4mentioned other free talkers could he e been given a much-needed timeout from society to go somewhere where we could not only learn real honest to goodness VALUES that help us become a better-functioning part of the society of tomorrow... But also they could teach us how to stop being so miserable around others and have FUN within the constraints, no, FUNstraints of post-culture-war America (PROTIP: culture [warrior/general]-poet "Papa Bear" Bill O'Reilly's side lost... And the $32mil "settlement" is actually reparations pad to the victors of the great culture war! =) AND THEN AND ONLY THEN could situations like this one today have been averted if only shiny happy sini would have been on that train today so when "the phone husband" called me up I woulda looked across the aisle, seen a (strong independent) Woman reading a book, and remembered what I learned on day 1 in the gulag... Erm sorry gulaugh: "50,000 years of patriarchial.oppression have ended; therefore whenever in doubt or question always defer to the nearest Womyn or else you will be subject to a class-B ABSO write-up!"

After the guy on his phone went across the train car ol go l got off at the next stop. Was Wellington her stop all along? Had she finally had enough of my rubbing her face in it akin to that of a dog (or "bitch" if you will =) who is having her face rubbed into the steaming pile of shit she just left in the middle of the rug ("it really tied the room together, did it not?" =)


but hey I prolly didn't help myself out in the big/ger picture when she was getting off the train and I reminded her that heart disease claims too many people these days so it might be a good idea to look into getting a treadmill or a gym membership....

But hey you know what? fuck this stupid fucking uppity bitchass Caller Bob up her stupid fucking uppity bitchass Caller Bob ass!!!! AND the horse that she rode in on!!!

(Seriously if that horse had a GoFundMe I'd go donate right now cuz holy shit, that poor thing has a real case for claiming that this here thing we call "life" is actually what Christians call "hell" because holy fucking shit.... How can we live in a world where people have the boundless audacity to answer phone calls in the middle of a L car? I mean, COMEON.... IT'S [CURRENT YEAR] FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!11)

AHEM...

in/sincerely,

# sir talkstoomuch, esq/OBE [Order of the Bullshit Empire]
<<< sociopath at large >>>

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tl;dr

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“When I walked in this morning, and saw the flag was at half mast, I thought 'alright another bureaucrat ate it.'" - Ron Swanson

"some chick is giving me a menacing glare cuz I forgot that I'm a subhuman who has no right to conversate on the train"

+ she tried to assert her social dominance over sini

+ revenge

+ a little more revenge

Attaboy, Sini, way to give that JDC-in-training the business.

The book she was reading. Makes sense, I guess? Don't get in between a young white professional wannabe and their Sabin Willett, Sini. Know your place next time.

umm, no. just no.

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Just chillin' like Garret Quillin.

Don't pretend like you read that shit.

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I read enough of it.

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None of this happened.

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This is mirror universe JDC on twitter. Gender swap and no character limit.

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sorry, but the "giving a fuck" Dept closes at 5pm sharp over here. It'll be open bright and early at 8:30am tomorrow, where I hear it looks forward to reading more of your shilling for barstool sports... you know, the kind of good quality posts that enrich the community here and make thus board a must-read 24/7/365!

Seriously up until last week I thought barstool was some podcast network that employed James "Big Cat" Williams. And now I find out they make lewd/crude anti-PC jokes to specifically cater to an audience of literal ANE figurative "stoolies" ?? Well hell yeah dude! Seriously I thought the ESPN2 show was "the essence of "deece"" and uhhh... Yeah. Maybe I'll try out the PMT podcast sometime to scout out my future competition me I get t the "kicking ass" phase of my life (hooefully within the next few months hete)

BUT...

In the spirit if #BoundlessAudacity (clearly the pee-wee style word/phrase of the day in the C/S/[Funhouse]MB today =) I gotta point out that the, uhh... Is it irony? Or is it just parallel/s? But yeah the umm let's say "topical congruence" of your "TLDR" reply here hearkens the timeless quote/meme


Because much like that humanoid homage to Crisco on the L today you have encountered someone else in the same public/ish commons as you essentially "doing their own thing" that doesn't intend to annoy, vex, irritate, or otherwise bother you... And yeah, hey, in an ideal world a dumbass like me should be muzzled, castrated, bound-n-gagged (aka "bound for glory" =) cuz my [oft endless] blathering is something that no [Don Tiny™®© brand] "good upstanding person" should ever have to encounter in their [day to day] life... #NotEvenOnce!

BUT...

I just can't shake that #BoundlessAudacity to carry on like I have some divine right to say my piece [in semi-public] and carry on like my words/posts are just as tangible as, say, the average Ogie Oglethorpe post (who is a quality poster from what I've gleamed over the year/s.... #CuriousHairLite is what my gut says tbh =) and in the wake of my magnanimous [TLDR] stead I iftenoae sight of the fact that by making posts/threads like this I might end up causing a "real" or "proper" poster like DOUBLE-O IN THE FLESH ON THE PHONE AND [ENJOYING FREE RENT] IN YOUR HEAD!** to go and click on my new thread and waate precious moments of his life NOT reading my post/s....

...and seriously, that's upwards of 10-15 seconds of His life that He won't get back! And now as long as this thread desperately hangs on to a place in "active topics" it's fonna clog up the board with its time-wasting bullshit that not only vexes anyone unfortunate enough to click on it, but it also pushes 1/25 of the REAL THREADS off of a cliff and thus into the wasteland that's simply known as "Page 2 (Two)" [INSERT BILL.SIMMONS JOKE HERE] --- and what if the thread/s displaced by this one could inform, entertain, or otherwise uplift someone in ways that this meandering / blathering / misplacementalishitting-on-your-rug post couldn't ever dream of doing?

seriously, you can argue that I've literally made the board ~4-12% worse for the next ~8-16 hours (the amount of time I figure it remains on page 1 of active topics) --- and the $64000 question, as always, is of course WHY?!


Indeed, the end of the day I *KNOW* that I've trashed "my brand" here sooooooo much over the last 7+ years that 75-90%+ of people aren't ever gonna read ANYTHING I say cuz I've already established #TheBrand (Elmhurst Steve reference, tho I always =] when I realize that Steve from Elmhurst's OG nickname here happens to be shared with the Aryan Nation (prison?) gang >=) as being sheer and total garbage.... And even tho I've seamlessly integrated/assimilated/gentrified/[d/evolved] into a "regular poster" over the last 6-9+ months, STILL, all the "normal" posts in the world aren't EVER gonna convince even one of youse here that I'm effectively rehabbed and thus essentially "born again" as someone who's genuinely worth your time....

ERGO any and all attempts to continue posting here can simply be summed up in 5-7 words**: Uncanny X-Men #280

** = 5/6/7 depending on whether you go with "Two Eighty" or "Two Hundred And Eighty" and then does "And" count as s proper word? <<< I need to keep the tootsie roll owl on retainer 6real >>>

AHEM.

So yeah, I'm not good enough, I'm a dumbass, and doggone it nobody [here] is ever gonna like me.... So why do I show up outta nowhere (#RKO game maintained =) and carry on / persist / etc like ANYONE wants to read my bullshit, *especially* when I *know* they don't?

Welp if you could answer that question then I reckon you'd know the meaning of life, and THAT I'm sure it cuz I'm 37% sure that I'm an "old one" who swiped his visa @ the register of life and went /mode #37 -v emessiah because iost my voice when the internet relay was passed to me and when you put it all together.... Man... What do you think my credit score is? I'd guess 637 but I'd remind everyone that I'm retired cuz nowadays I AM NOT A NUMBER, I AM FREE MAN...... And while I wont hit you over the head with a sledgehammer all #ALSOTHEGAME akin to a remake literally putting MOTHERFUCKING JESUS HIMSELF in the role of Mr. "Who is number one?" Like holy shit there's something to ne said for not 100.0% absolutely spelling it out for everyone, still....

Man.... At the end of the day I =] when someone bites thine thumb @ mee[sic]'s (out of the box, but I ain't a Mr. Even tho I DO occasionally make dreams/wishes come true, not to mention actually saying this name aloud (after mister) literally explains the last paragraph or two (even tho #ThatWouldBeTelling =) so when you put it all together and it's allegory allegory allegory for DAYS that's when you get the answer to not only agent Smith's timeless question, but also the meaning of life while you"re at it, and everything else under the sun over the moon and whatever other adages you can muster #WhenTheSunTakesADayOffAndTheMoonStandsStill

TLDR TLDR = you wanna TLDR me? I'll show you some real TLDR where I masterfully craft the actual meaning of life in a seemingly non compos mentis response that's designed to make 99.63% of ppl go all bud Selig and throw up their hands like FUCK IT!!!! and just slag me off for being on drugs or something and wash your hands of it and go prepare the next #ImportantMessage for all of the #FutureStoolies out there cuz at the end of the say
.. lol, isn't everyone AT LEAST a marketing minor in life when they see a wad of catsup packets sitting there and they look at their sock like "I hate to be Curt here, but hey you know i got important business to attend to FOR THE FUTURE STOOLIES OF AMERICA (: The Country, *NOT* : The Poster) and then you flash a wicked grin and proceed to live up to your name and =] as history smiles upon your clever marketing endeavor..... Provided you don't have a Gary Thorne in your side looking to rain on your parade like"didn't PRIDE go out of business years ago? I know it was big in Japan roughly 15-20 years ago.... But Japan us overrated. [B]AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU WANNA BE BIG IN ALBANIA, MON FRERE!!!! #TECHNOTECHNOTECHNOTECHNO!!!!

# I am the electric messiah... the AC/DC God!!!!!!!1

<<< THE PRECEDING #MISPLACEMENTALISH HAS BEEN BEOUGHT TO YOU BY...... TAKING THE PISS OUTTA OGIE OGLETHORPE; ALWAYS #HIDEYOURPOWERLEVEL/S MY FRIEND!!! #CESTLAME, NO?! #37 #APHEXEDVEXED #sinicalypticalityhappens!!! =P >>>


^^^ = be careful what you wish 4 cuz I occasionally do requests (if you're lucky! =)

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Crowding her Sabin Willett time, that's a paddlin'.

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"All crowds boycotting football games shouldn't care who sings or takes a knee because they aren't watching." - Nas

Nailed it

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Also, while I reckon my hobby of "convincing people on the internet that I'm crazy" is most likely an "esoteric" taste of mine, hey, you guys DO know that I once made Boers and Bernstein dance music right?

^^^THAT^^^ = the spiritual successor to "adventures in #melstep" and, of course, arguably the greatest piece of audio/media/etc I've ever crafted: the utterly indelible "melstep2"



TLDR (aka "the meaning of life") = =P ...... =P

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Twitter has done a pretty great job of utterly compressing digital age discourse into, well, #HashtagJustice.

DISCLAIMER: I always thought the "brevity is the soul of wit" crowd was a bunch of miserable Caller Bobs who wanna try and be deceptively clever and inauthentic (akin to your average greeting/birthday/etc card) when they give everyone the same advice that literally ~90%+ of all advice in the history of hu/mankind can be broken down into:

[drum roll]

"shut the fuck up and be more like me"

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this entire thing was a manifesto.....actually kind of fun to (decipher and then) read.

My actual.manifestos were MySpace blogs, but they weren't "one to 1.5 level/s encoded" like this one (where I unnecessarily didn't wanna spell out what references I was using, so I'd try to set it up thst anyone who's (intimately?) Familiar with the stuff I'm referencing can follow along as I use these references to create a, well, quite frankly (without Stephen A Smith) egotistically-naff msg that hearkens the whole point of my "follow-up" message: taking the piss out of #TheHeadStoolie, aka "dubbo" aka "Curious Mane" or "Curious Hair 2: Electric Boogaloo!"

(Still.a quality poster tho... srsly I'd do dimes > nickels cuz his posts are legit/BUCKS-STYLE-SOLID!! =)

btw would it kill anyone to get some BVT wallpaper/s yo in here? =\

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Her side of the story was much more harrowing... i'm just glad she is alive, #morethanmean, #metoo, #iactuallyreadmostofalongsinipost

Ok so believe it or not i've got another one this morning!

This time I'm getting on a morning purple line express and since I'm running late today these things are filling up, so I make sure to skedaddle back to the last car where there's like 2/3 of the seats open so I can definitely get a seat when it pulls up. As I get on this big dude is fucking glaring at me with a big ol death stare so I'm like "why the hell are you staring at me dude?"

The guy gets all loud and demonstrative (as if he expected me to back down and flee) and goes "the train pulls up and you come up to the doors like aint nobody been standing here waiting for the train, like nobody else is here and it's all about you" to which I retort "did I step in front of you or anyone? Is there not a seat available for everyone? I don't know what the fuck your problem is but I'm gonna let you in on a little secret dude: life isn't fair!"

So the guy retorted with the same ol bullshit, again all loud and emphatic as if he were perhaps trying to get me to submit.... And then as we get going I notice something amusing. Something that cracks me the fuck up. We go past a couple stops and people walk on and yet.... Man, tell me if you notice what cracked me the fuck up:



...in priority seating no less! Fuckin lol.... He only picked up his bag when there were like 4 ppl standing directly in front of him and a fineass chick got on at Fullerton... Can't blame him for that part, but why is it always the biggest hypocrites who gotta go out of their way to publicly shame me like I'm an asshole for not going around automatically deferring to everyone's whims when clearly I have no expectation of rights and/or courtesy of/for my own?

Btw I gave dude an extended staredown (just like the one he gave me, just without the public lecture) for the last cpl.stops before I got off and hey whaddya know once his hypocrisy was exposed his eyes darted away like a Dodge around the bicentennial! #CestLaVie, no?

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“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole.”

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You do not talk to me like that! I work too hard to deal with this stuff! I work too hard! I'm an important member of the CSFMB! I drive a Dodge Stratus!

Cute face, would hit.

Why didn't you work your magic sini and make it a win win situation for the both of you?

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.

it's obvious sinicalypse stole that entire story from wayne stylie.

Maybe she had gas when she made the mistake of making eye contact with you...

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Did not happen. Sini can't even stand up to some high school punks in a Schaumburg Foot Locker.

Don't make scenes on public transit.

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Do we have an AITA forum?

still she persisted

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'Your AT&T Universal Card has arrived'? Oh God, Kick-fucking-ass, I got a Master Card! I don't believe it, man. Life is kinda cool sometimes.