Mac FM wrote:
You seem a bit obsessed by my recovery, MHSPBGLHLG. Okay, I'll be your Huckleberry.
In September, I asked my golf buddy to grab a "couple helpers" from his wife's script. She had a knee. I had a back (and a shoulder) in addition to a biceps tendon I ruptured in August of '14. He gave me two 5 mg hydrocodone tabs (Vicodin).
I don't keep a script because I don't trust myself. "As needed" stopped applying to me around December of '07, two months after spinal fusion surgery. After that surgery, I took Norco 10 ("yellow birds" as I said). Had never had them before. Yeah, I had many Vicodin scripts of lower dosage over the years from a bunch of surgeries/injuries and I admit to occasionally added a couple to potentiate the effects of alcohol.
Never, however, had a met a pill that had such a dramatic effect as the Norco 10. The way they smelled. The sound of their shake in the bottle. It was Pavlovian. More than any substance I ever ingested. When I went into residential treatment in late '13, I realized I never, ever could have it again.
Had left knee replacement in Feb. of '16, and a laminectomy (back clean up near fusion) in Feb. of '17. Both times, I told the doc, no Norco.... low dosage Vic only. Both times, I set the vile next to my sink on the vanity and told Sheri to babysit me because I need it. Neither time did I exceed recommended dosage nor did I continue to refill after pain subsided. With the knee, I needed 'em up to about the six weeks mark in PT. With the back last winter, I didn't even finish the 30 5s that came with the initial script.
Some would say I shouldn't have done ANY of the above. I stopped worrying about what SOME say a long time ago.
Meetings? Not for me anymore. Haven't gone since shortly after I started the morning thing at the Drive, so what's that, Feb. or March of '15 I suppose. Got tired of a lot of it. They tell you "look for the similarities, not the differences." That's helpful but I grew tired of the 'YOU DID WHAT!!!!!????" reaction.
Bottoms are difference. I was lucky. My bottom was extreme withdrawal from things and most people. Didn't care to golf with buds anymore ('11, '12, '13). Lost my desire to go to games or travel. I REALLY didn't want to work (it included people and talking). Didn't really care much about intimacy with anybody but my wife and sons. I was content to become a complete recluse. Worth noting that in '11 and '12, I went off my psych meds without discussing with doctor.
Those meetings were valuable early, but some of the things I heard people talk about doing to their spouses, children, parents, friends, co-workers... I couldn't listen to it anymore. It became depressing. And meetings welcome newcomers... they have to because it's the right thing. Nothing more annoying than a 24-year-old addict with two weeks of sobriety who wants to hold forth on important issues because he now is an expert. Keep it.
I also believe in the stark honesty that is expected. I'm not a liar. I can proclaim retirement from LSD (9/84), mushrooms (6/86) cocaine (7/03) and acceptable "as needed" use of pain med since '13, but if I'm going to smoke ganj and have a couple bourbons or beers once in awhile, I'd feel like a hypocrite at meetings.
Still have a lot of contact with some "brothers & sisters" in the program... but I'm out on meetings.
Not obsessed about your recovery, but genuinely curious.
Considering you portray yourself as someone who is willingly transparent about your challenges in life and how open you've been about your drug use and recovery in the past, I was interested in an update.
Then your clearly dodging of the topic got me even more intrigued.
Thanks for finally replying
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