Bully Hendry would have signed Harper for 2.5 Billion over 30 years

Hi! I’m Kent Tekulve! I’m being reborn! Right now! Out of the very fabric of NotGraphs!

I’ve been to the other side, and I have a lot of neat things to tell you. Like, baseball, over there, on the other side? Way different! You wouldn’t believe it! Like for instance, over there, on the other side? The bases are filled with things. They’re actually bags full of stuff! But that’s not the differentest thing about the bases even. What’s even differenter about the bases over there is that the stuff that they’re filled with, well, one never knows what they might be filled with! Like, you can be running and step on a base and POW! Landmine! There goes your leg! But sometimes they’re just filled with jelly and stuff, so they pop and you slip and then you and the infielder nearest to you just roll around laughing getting covered in jelly. For minutes! They stop the game just so you can laugh and roll around in jelly! Boy howdy, that’s something, over there, on the other side.

Look how happy I am! Look how happy I am to have never stepped on a landmine! I’ve had my share of jelly though. It actually even tastes okay. It’s also funny when the bases are filled with whoopee cushions. Let me tell you, as a pitcher, that sure takes the sting off giving up a homerun: here you just gave up a homerun but then the batter has to round the bases and cause four big old farts before he even gets to homeplate! I tell you, if I knew when the bases were going to be filled with whoopee cushions, I’d throw meatballs all day and pray they’d hit ’em out. I’d die of laughter! I’m Kent Tekulve! Look at me!

Wanna know another thing that takes the sting off a homerun when you give one up over there, on the other side? When they hit home runs? The balls vanish not into the bleachers full of fans, but into a interdimensional cesspool, where they (the balls!) end up in new universes where they lead new lives! One of them ended up back here and became the President of the United States! What a country!

The coolest thing about the interdimensional cesspool, though, is that all the balls have cameras built into them, so when they arrive in a new universe and begin their new lives, a reality television show automatically begins about them! You can follow the new lives of all your favorite homerun balls! MLB FanCave has nothing on the promotional tactics over there, on the other side, let me tell you. No, sirree!

Well, time is a little different over there, on the other side. It’s actually been four days since I started talking to you. I wish I had more time to tell you all the cool ways that baseball is different over there, but now it’s my turn in the rotation again. I hope the bases are filled with whoopee cushions today, or quicksand, or mayo. That’s always funny. Mayo! Gee whiz! Okay, gotta run.

Oh geez, I seem to be stuck here, in the very fabric of NotGraphs. Oh dear, haha…

Did u imitate Kent Tekulve pitching when u were a kid??

Even as an adult, it's still fun to do.

It's more fun to be a victim

There will never be an effective vaccine. I'll never get one anyway.

You should imitate Josh Hancock. Tonight.