Imagine you're 7 years old again. It's very early on Christmas morning. You awaken long before the rest of the house. Excitement is fluttering in your belly like the first tendrils of a wicked acid trip with some primo tabs your pal Russo got from that German kid who makes this stuff in his basement in a Mr. Wizard chemistry set but you know, surprisingly it's about the best acid you've ever gotten and it's clean, you know? Like without the next day acid dirties that ruin most acid highs and none of that holy shit am I really watching the Exorcist right now especially this scene with Regan MacNeil in the hospital getting that seemingly unnecessary neck artery catheter spurting blood and shit all over the place? So anyway it's Christmas morning and you just know there's a brand new Castle Grayskull there and it's just waiting for you. You rush downstairs to start tearing your presents open only to find out that you're the new proud owner of some Haines socks and a new GoBot which everybody knows is what your grandmother buys you at Venture because she's a fucking clueless old broad who is considerably more interested in getting her case of Skol vodka for her action packed weekend of pinochle and giving latex gloved handjobs to her neighbor Lefty who got his name by sticking his right hand into a snowblower on purpose to get a few weeks off his job as a cosmetics tester.
The disappointment is palpable. It stings. It's like killing skolas only to find out that your teammate ran down and opened the chest while you were checking your postmaster for space and the goddamn thing despawns before you got to it.
There is serious A list talent in this movie. A list of people who you might remember if you managed to understand the Venture reference earlier. And children of people you don't particularly care for. And that chick who bones Judd Apatow.
David Duchovny resembles a used wad of fruit stripe chewing gum with a grey beard.
So this was supposed to be some kind of a satire of Hollywood productions during the covid 19 pandemic. Yeah. A major motion picture using a time in our lives that everyone wants to forget about and is immoderately tired of as a canvas for a piece that, at 2 hours and 6 minutes, outrun its best joke by about 1 hour and 58 minutes.
Apatow is quite skilled at fart jokes. He's moderately skilled at gay jokes. Satire seems to be something he read about in Newsweek Magazine and thought he'd dedicate tens of millions of dollars and more than 120 minutes of your time into. Which was the worst investment will remain in debate long after you tried to swallow your own tongue in an attempt to end your life which for me happened somewhere in the first 20 minutes.
Do yourself a favor. Instead of watching this movie, practice trepanning your own skull with a Skil saw. Chances are good that will bring you considerably much more happiness than this movie will.

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

I’m happy for you, or I’m sorry this happened to you

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We can get past this together.

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

that's how i know riley freeman was right and santa is a punk ass bitch. i wanted metroplex for christmas.

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Whad’ya drinking tonight?

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7up Zero. It's quite tasty!

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

It sounds good.

Does a gaping hole in your skull sound good too?

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

When I read about satire in Newsweek, it sounded interesting.

More interesting than the article on the Asian Dawn?

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"Play until it hurts, then play until it hurts to not play."
http://soundcloud.com/darkside124 HOF 2013, MM Champion 2014

No. The disappointment was palpable. It stung.

If you don't care enough about me to create paragraphs, I don't care enough about you to read.

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O judgment! Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason.